da.thehitchhikersguidetothegalaxy-第8部分

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ard；　partly　because　they　like　the　pany；　but　mostly　because　it　annoys　the　Vogons。　Which　is　exactly　the　sort　of　thing　you　need　to　know　if　you're　an　impoverished　hitch　hiker　trying　to　see　the　marvels　of　the　Universe　for　less　than　thirty　Altairan　Dollars　a　day。　And　that's　my　job。　Fun；　isn't　it？〃
　　Arthur　looked　lost。
　　〃It's　amazing；〃　he　said　and　frowned　at　one　of　the　other　mattresses。
　　〃Unfortunately　I　got　stuck　on　the　Earth　for　rather　longer　than　I　intended；〃　said　Ford。　〃I　came　for　a　week　and　got　stuck　for　fifteen　years。〃
　　〃But　how　did　you　get　there　in　the　first　place　then？〃
　　〃Easy；　I　got　a　lift　with　a　teaser。〃
　　〃A　teaser？〃
　　〃Yeah。〃
　　〃Er；　what　is。。。〃
　　〃A　teaser？　Teasers　are　usually　rich　kids　with　nothing　to　do。　They　cruise　around　looking　for　planets　which　haven't　made　interstellar　contact　yet　and　buzz　them。〃
　　〃Buzz　them？〃　Arthur　began　to　feel　that　Ford　was　enjoying　making　life　difficult　for　him。
　　〃Yeah〃；　said　Ford；　〃they　buzz　them。　They　find　some　isolated　spot　with　very　few　people　around；　then　land　right　by　some　poor　soul　whom　no　one's　ever　going　to　believe　and　then　strut　up　and　down　in　front　of　him　wearing　silly　antennae　on　their　heads　and　making　beep　beep　noises。　Rather　childish　really。〃　Ford　leant　back　on　the　mattress　with　his　hands　behind　his　head　and　looked　infuriatingly　pleased　with　himself。
　　〃Ford；〃　insisted　Arthur；　〃I　don't　know　if　this　sounds　like　a　silly　question；　but　what　am　I　doing　here？〃
　　〃Well　you　know　that；〃　said　Ford。　〃I　rescued　you　from　the　Earth。〃
　　〃And　what's　happened　to　the　Earth？〃
　　〃Ah。　It's　been　demolished。〃
　　〃Has　it；〃　said　Arthur　levelly。
　　〃Yes。　It　just　boiled　away　into　space。〃
　　〃Look；〃　said　Arthur；　〃I'm　a　bit　upset　about　that。〃
　　Ford　frowned　to　himself　and　seemed　to　roll　the　thought　around　his　mind。
　　〃Yes；　I　can　understand　that；〃　he　said　at　last。
　　〃Understand　that！〃　shouted　Arthur。　〃Understand　that！〃
　　Ford　sprang　up。
　　〃Keep　looking　at　the　book！〃　he　hissed　urgently。
　　〃What？〃
　　〃Don't　Panic。〃
　　〃I'm　not　panicking！〃
　　〃Yes　you　are。〃
　　〃Alright　so　I'm　panicking；　what　else　is　there　to　do？〃
　　〃You　just　e　along　with　me　and　have　a　good　time。　The　Galaxy's　a　fun　place。　You'll　need　to　have　this　fish　in　your　ear。〃
　　〃I　beg　your　pardon？〃　asked　Arthur；　rather　politely　he　thought。
　　Ford　was　holding　up　a　small　glass　jar　which　quite　clearly　had　a　small　yellow　fish　wriggling　around　in　it。　Arthur　blinked　at　him。　He　wished　there　was　something　simple　and　recognizable　he　could　grasp　hold　of。　He　would　have　felt　safe　if　alongside　the　Dentrassi　underwear；　the　piles　of　Squornshellous　mattresses　and　the　man　from　Betelgeuse　holding　up　a　small　yellow　fish　and　offering　to　put　it　in　his　ear　he　had　been　able　to　see　just　a　small　packet　of　corn　flakes。　He　couldn't；　and　he　didn't　feel　safe。
　　Suddenly　a　violent　noise　leapt　at　them　from　no　source　that　he　could　identify。　He　gasped　in　terror　at　what　sounded　like　a　man　trying　to　gargle　whilst　fighting　off　a　pack　of　wolves。
　　〃Shush！〃　said　Ford。　〃Listen；　it　might　be　important。〃
　　〃Im。。。　important？〃
　　〃It's　the　Vogon　captain　making　an　announcement　on　the　T'annoy。〃
　　〃You　mean　that's　how　the　Vogons　talk？〃
　　〃Listen！〃
　　〃But　I　can't　speak　Vogon！〃
　　〃You　don't　need　to。　Just　put　that　fish　in　your　ear。〃
　　Ford；　with　a　lightning　movement；　clapped　his　hand　to　Arthur's　ear；　and　he　had　the　sudden　sickening　sensation　of　the　fish　slithering　deep　into　his　aural　tract。　Gasping　with　horror　he　scrabbled　at　his　ear　for　a　second　or　so；　but　then　slowly　turned　goggle…eyed　with　wonder。　He　was　experiencing　the　aural　equivalent　of　looking　at　a　picture　of　two　black　silhouetted　faces　and　suddenly　seeing　it　as　a　picture　of　a　white　candlestick。　Or　of　looking　at　a　lot　of　coloured　dots　on　a　piece　of　paper　which　suddenly　resolve　themselves　into　the　figure　six　and　mean　that　your　optician　is　going　to　charge　you　a　lot　of　money　for　a　new　pair　of　glasses。
　　He　was　still　listening　to　the　howling　gargles；　he　knew　that；　only　now　it　had　taken　on　the　semblance　of　perfectly　straightforward　English。
　　This　is　what　he　heard。。。
　　
　　
　　　Chapter　6
　　
　　〃Howl　howl　gargle　howl　gargle　howl　howl　howl　gargle　howl　gargle　howl　howl　gargle　gargle　howl　gargle　gargle　gargle　howl　slurp　uuuurgh　should　have　a　good　time。　Message　repeats。　This　is　your　captain　speaking；　so　stop　whatever　you're　doing　and　pay　attention。　First　of　all　I　see　from　our　instruments　that　we　have　a　couple　of　hitchhikers　aboard。　Hello　wherever　you　are。　I　just　want　to　make　it　totally　clear　that　you　are　not　at　all　wele。　I　worked　hard　to　get　where　I　am　today；　and　I　didn't　bee　captain　of　a　Vogon　constructor　ship　simply　so　I　could　turn　it　into　a　taxi　service　for　a　load　of　degenerate　freeloaders。　I　have　sent　out　a　search　party；　and　as　soon　that　they　find　you　I　will　put　you　off　the　ship。　If　you're　very　lucky　I　might　read　you　some　of　my　poetry　first。
　　〃Secondly；　we　are　about　to　jump　into　hyperspace　for　the　journey　to　Barnard's　Star。　On　arrival　we　will　stay　in　dock　for　a　seventy…two　hour　refit；　and　no　one's　to　leave　the　ship　during　that　time。　I　repeat；　all　planet　leave　is　cancelled。　I've　just　had　an　unhappy　love　affair；　so　I　don't　see　why　anybody　else　should　have　a　good　time。　Message　ends。〃
　　The　noise　stopped。
　　Arthur　discovered　to　his　embarrassment　that　he　was　lying　curled　up　in　a　small　ball　on　the　floor　with　his　arms　wrapped　round　his　head。　He　smiled　weakly。
　　〃Charming　man；〃　he　said。　〃I　wish　I　had　a　daughter　so　I　could　forbid　her　to　marry　one。。。〃
　　〃You　wouldn't　need　to；〃　said　Ford。　〃They've　got　as　much　sex　appeal　as　a　road　accident。　No；　don't　move；〃　he　added　as　Arthur　began　to　uncurl　himself；　〃you'd　better　be　prepared　for　the　jump　into　hyperspace。　It's　unpleasantly　like　being　drunk。〃
　　〃What's　so　unpleasant　about　being　drunk？〃
　　〃You　ask　a　glass　of　water。〃
　　Arthur　thought　about　this。
　　〃Ford；〃　he　said。
　　〃Yeah？〃
　　〃What's　this　fish　doing　in　my　ear？〃
　　〃It's　translating　for　you。　It's　a　Babel　fish。　Look　it　up　in　the　book　if　you　like。〃
　　He　tossed　over　The　Hitch　Hiker's　Guide　to　the　Galaxy　and　then　curled　himself　up　into　a　foetal　ball　to　prepare　himself　for　the　jump。
　　At　that　moment　the　bottom　fell　out　of　Arthur's　mind。
　　His　eyes　turned　inside　out。　His　feet　began　to　leak　out　of　the　top　of　his　head。
　　The　room　folded　flat　about　him；　spun　around；　shifted　out　of　existence　and　left　him　sliding　into　his　own　navel。
　　They　were　passing　through　hyperspace。
　　〃The　Babel　fish；〃　said　The　Hitch　Hiker's　Guide　to　the　Galaxy。　quietly；　〃is　small；　yellow　and　leech…like；　and　probably　the　oddest　thing　in　the　Universe。　It　feeds　on　brainwave　energy　not　from　its　carrier　but　from　those　around　it。　It　absorbs　all　unconscious　mental　frequencies　from　this　brainwave　energy　to　nourish　itself　with。　It　then　excretes　into　the　mind　of　its　carrier　a　telepathic　matrix　formed　by　bining　the　conscious　thought　frequencies　with　nerve　signals　picked　up　from　the　speech　centres　of　the　brain　which　has　supplied　them。　The　practical　upshot　of　all　this　is　that　if　you　stick　a　Babel　fish　in　your　ear　you　can　instantly　understand　anything　said　to　you　in　any　form　of　language。　The　speech　patterns　you　actually　hear　decode　the　brainwave　matrix　which　has　been　fed　into　your　mind　by　your　Babel　fish。
　　〃Now　it　is　such　a　bizarrely　improbable　coincidence　that　anything　so　mindboggingly　useful　could　have　evolved　purely　by　chance　that　some　thinkers　have　chosen　to　see　it　as　the　final　and　clinching　proof　of　the　non…existence　of　God。
　　〃The　argument　goes　something　like　this：　'I　refuse　to　prove　that　I　exist；'　says　God；　'for　proof　denies　faith；　and　without　faith　I　am　nothing。'
　　〃'But；'　says　Man；　'The　Babel　fish　is　a　dead　giveaway；　isn't　it？　It　could　not　have　evolved　by　chance。　It　proves　you　exist；　and　so　therefore；　by　your　own　arguments；　you　don't。　QED。'
　　〃'Oh　dear；'　says　God；　'I　hadn't　thought　of　that；'　and　promptly　vanished　in　a　puff　of　logic。
　　〃'Oh；　that　was　easy；'　says　Man；　and　for　an　encore　goes　on　to　prove　that　black　is　white　and　gets　himself　killed　on　the　next　zebra　crossing。
　　〃Most　leading　theologians　claim　that　this　argument　is　a　load　of　dingo's　kidneys；　but　that　didn't　stop　Oolon　Colluphid　making　a　small　fortune　when　he　used　it　as　the　central　theme　of　his　best…selling　book　Well　That　About　Wraps　It　Up　For　God。
　　〃Meanwhile；　the　poor　Babel　fish；　by　effectively　removing　all　barriers　to　munication　between　different　races　and　cultures；　has　caused　more　and　bloodier　wars　than　anything　else　in　the　history　of　creation。〃
　　Arthur　let　out　a　low　groan。　He　was　horrified　to　discover　that　the　kick　through　hyperspace　hadn't　killed　him。　He　was　now　six　light　years　from　the　place　that　the　Earth　would　have　been　if　it　still　existed。
　　The　Earth。
　　Visions　of　it　swam　sickeningly　through　his　nauseated　mind。　There　was　no　way　his　imagination　could　feel　the　impact　of　the　whole　Earth　having　gone；　it　was　too　big。　He　prodded　his　feelings　by　thinking　that　his　parents　and　his　sister　had　gone。　No　reaction。　He　thought　of　all　the　people　he　had　been　close　to。　No　reaction。　Then　he　thought　of　a　plete　stranger　he　had　been　standing　behind　in　the　queue　at　the　supermarket　before　and　felt　a　sudden　stab　…　the　supermarket　was　gone；　everything　in　it　was　gone。　Nelson's　Column　had　gone！　Nelson's　Column　had　gone　and　there　would　be　no　outcry；　because　there　was　no　one　left　to　make　an　outcry。　From　now　on　Nelson's　Column　only　existed　in　his　mind。　England　only　existed　in　his　mind　…　his　mind；　stuck　here　in　this　dank　smelly　steel…lined　spaceship。　A　wave　of　claustrophobia　closed　in　on　him。
　　England　no　longer　existed。　He'd　got　that　…　somehow　he'd　got　it。　He　tried　again。　America；　he　thought；　has　gone。　He　couldn't　grasp　it。　He　decided　to　start　smaller　again。　New　York　has　gone。　No　reaction。　He'd　never　seriously　believed　it　existed　anyway。　The　dollar；　he　thought；　had　sunk　for　ever。　Slight　tremor　there。　Every　Bogart　movie　has　been　wiped；　he　said　to　himself；　and　that　gave　him　a　nasty　knock。　McDonalds；　he　thought。　There　is　no　longer　any　such　thing　as　a　McDonald's　hamburger。
　　He　passed　out。　When　he　came　round　a　second　later　he　found　he　was　sobbing　for　his　mother。
　　He　jerked　himself　violently　to　his　feet。
　　〃Ford！〃
　　Ford　looked　up　from　where　he　was　sitting　in