lhamilton.thekillingdance-第14部分

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　it。〃
　〃If　you　want　to　martyr　yourself　for　high　ideals；　fine。　I　don't　like　it；　but　fine。　But　don't　martyr　the　people　who　trust　you。　They're　worth　more　than　any　set　of　ideals。　You　nearly　got　yourself　killed　tonight。〃
　〃You　don't　just　believe　in　something　when　it's　easy；　Anita。　Killing　is　wrong。〃
　〃Fine；〃　I　said；　〃but　you　also　nearly　got　me　killed　tonight。　Do　you　understand　that？　If　they　had　rushed　us；　I　wouldn't　have　made　it　out。　I　will　not　go　down　in　flames　because　you　want　to　play　Gandhi。〃
　〃You　can　stay　home　next　time。〃
　〃Dammit；　that　isn't　what　I'm　saying；　and　you　know　it。　You're　trying　to　live　in　some　Ozzie　and　Harriet　world；　Richard。　Maybe　life　used　to　work　like　that；　but　it　doesn't　anymore。　If　you　don't　give　up　on　this；　you're　going　to　get　killed。〃
　〃If　I　really　thought　I　had　to　bee　a　murderer　to　survive；　I　think　I'd　rather　not　survive。〃
　I　glanced　at　him。　His　expression　was　peaceful；　like　a　saint。　But　you　only　got　to　be　a　saint　if　you　died。　I　looked　back　at　the　road。　I　could　give　Richard　up；　but　if　I　left　him；　he　was　going　to　end　up　dead。　He'd　have　gone　in　there　tonight　without　anyone；　and　he　wouldn't　have　made　it　out。
　Tears　burned　at　the　back　of　my　eyes。　〃I　don't　know　if　I'd　survive　it　if　you　died　on　me；　Richard。　Doesn't　that　mean　anything　to　you？〃
　He　kissed　my　cheek；　and　something　warm　and　liquid　seeped　down　my　neck。　〃I　love　you；　too。〃
　They　were　only　words。　He　was　going　to　get　killed　on　me。　He　was　going　to　do　everything　short　of　suicide。　〃You're　bleeding　on　me；〃　I　said。
　He　sighed　and　leaned　back　into　the　darkness。　〃I'm　bleeding　a　lot。　Too　bad　Jean…Claude　isn't　here　to　lick　it　up。〃　He　made　a　bitter　sound　low　in　his　throat。
　〃Do　you　need　a　doctor？〃
　〃Get　me　home；　Anita。　If　I　need　a　doctor；　I　know　a　wererat　that　makes　house　calls。〃　He　sounded　tired；　weary；　as　if　he　didn't　want　to　talk　anymore。　Not　about　the　wounds；　or　the　pack；　or　his　high　ideals。　I　let　the　silence　grow　and　didn't　know　how　to　break　it。　A　soft　sound　filled　the　quiet　dark；　and　I　realized　that　Richard　was　crying。　He　whispered；　〃I'm　sorry；　Stephen。　I　am　so　sorry。〃
　I　didn't　say　anything　because　I　didn't　have　anything　good　to　say。　Just　lately　I　had　noticed　that　I　could　kill　people　and　not　blink。　No　attack　of　conscience；　no　nightmares；　nothing。　It　was　like　some　part　of　me　had　turned　off。　It　didn't　bother　me　that　I　was　able　to　kill　so　easily。　It　did　bother　me　that　it　didn't　bother　me。　But　it　had　its　uses；　like　tonight。　I　think　every　last　furry　one　of　them　had　believed　I'd　do　it。　Sometimes；　it　was　good　to　be　scary。
　
　
　9
　
　It　was　4：40　in　the　morning　when　Richard　carried　the　still　unconscious　Stephen　into　his　bedroom。　Blood　had　dried　the　back　of　Richard's　shirt　to　his　skin。　〃Go　to　bed；　Anita。　I'll　take　care　of　Stephen。〃
　〃I　need　to　look　at　your　wounds；〃　I　said。
　〃I'　m　all　right。〃
　〃Richard　。　。　。〃
　He　looked　at　me；　half　of　his　face　covered　in　dried　blood；　his　eyes　almost　wild。　〃No；　Anita；　I　don't　want　your　help。　I　don't　need　it。〃
　I　took　in　a　deep　breath　through　my　nose　and　let　it　out。　〃Okay；　have　it　your　way。〃
　I　expected　him　to　apologize　for　snapping　at　me；　but　he　didn't。　He　just　walked　into　the　other　room　and　closed　the　door。　I　stood　there　in　the　living　room　for　a　minute；　not　sure　what　to　do。　I'd　hurt　his　feelings；　maybe　even　offended　his　sense　of　male　honor。　Fuck　it。　If　he　couldn't　take　the　truth；　fuck　him。　People's　lives　were　at　stake。　I　couldn't　give　Richard　forting　lies　when　it　could　get　people　killed。
　I　went　into　the　guest　room；　locked　the　door；　and　went　to　bed。　I　put　on　an　oversized　T…shirt　with　a　caricature　of　Arthur　Conan　Doyle　on　it。　I'd　packed　something　a　little　sexier。　Yes；　I　admit　it。　I　could　have　saved　myself　the　trouble。　The　Firestar　was　lumpy　under　the　pillow。　The　machine　gun　went　under　the　bed　within　reach。　I　laid　an　extra　clip　beside　it。　Never　thought　I'd　need　that　much　firepower；　but　between　assassination　attempts　and　packs　of　werewolves；　I　was　beginning　to　feel　a　little　insecure。
　When　I　shoved　the　silver　knives　half　under　the　mattress　so　I　could　get　to　them　if　I　had　to；　I　realized　just　how　insecure　I　was　feeling。　But　I　left　the　knives　out。　Better　insecure　and　paranoid　than　dead。
　I　got　my　stuffed　toy　penguin；　Sigmund；　out　of　the　suitcase　and　cuddled　under　the　covers。　I'd　had　some　vague　idea　that　spending　the　night　at　Richard's　house　might　be　romantic。　Shows　how　much　I　knew。　We'd　had　three　fights　in　one　night；　a　record　even　for　me。　It　probably　wasn't　a　good　sign　for　the　longevity　of　the　relationship。　That　last　thought　made　my　chest　tight；　but　what　was　I　supposed　to　do？　Go　into　the　other　room　and　apologize？　Tell　him　he　was　right　when　he　wasn't？　Tell　him　it　was　okay　to　get　himself　killed　and　take　the　rest　of　us　down　with　him？　It　wasn't　okay。　It　wasn't　even　close　to　okay。　I　hugged　Sigmund　until　he　was　nearly　squeezed　in　two。　I　refused　to　cry。　Question：　Why　was　I　more　worried　about　losing　Richard　than　about　the　assassins？　Answer：　Killing　didn't　bother　me；　losing　Richard　did。　I　fell　asleep　holding　my　penguin　and　wondering　if　Richard　and　I　were　still　dating。　Who　would　keep　him　alive　if　I　wasn't　around？
　Something　woke　me。　I　blinked　up　into　the　dark　and　reached　under　my　pillow　for　the　Firestar。　When　it　was　secure　in　my　hand；　I　listened。　A　knock；　someone　was　knocking　at　the　locked　bedroom　door。　Soft；　hesitant。　Was　it　Richard　e　to　apologize？　That　would　be　too　convenient。
　I　threw　back　the　covers；　spilling　Sigmund　to　the　floor。　I　put　him　back　in　the　suitcase；　lowering　the　lid　without　closing　it；　and　padded　barefoot　to　the　door。　I　stood　to　one　side　of　it；　and　said；　〃Who　is　it？〃
　〃It's　Stephen。〃
　I　let　out　a　breath　I　hadn't　known　I　was　holding。　I　crossed　to　the　other　side　of　the　door；　gun　still　ready；　and　unlocked　the　door。　I　opened　it　slowly；　looking；　listening；　trying　to　make　sure　it　was　just　Stephen。
　He　stood　outside　the　door　wearing　a　pair　of　Richard's　cut…off　sweat　pants。　The　shorts　hung　nearly　to　his　ankles。　A　borrowed　T…shirt　covered　his　knees。　His　long　yellow　hair　was　tousled；　like　he'd　been　asleep。
　〃What's　wrong？〃　I　lowered　the　gun　to　my　side；　and　he　watched　me　do　it。
　〃Richard　went　out；　and　I'm　afraid　to　be　alone。〃　His　eyes　wouldn't　quite　meet　mine　when　he　said　the　last；　flinching　like　he　was　afraid　of　what　he'd　see　on　my　face。
　〃What　do　you　mean　he　went　out？　Where　to？〃
　〃The　woods。　He　said　he'd　keep　watch　for　assassins。　Does　he　mean　Raina？〃　He　did　look　up　then；　amazing　blue　eyes　wide；　the　beginnings　of　panic　sliding　across　his　face。
　I　touched　his　arm；　not　sure　it　was　the　right　thing　to　do。　Some　people　don't　want　to　be　touched　after　a　sexual　molestation。　It　seemed　to　fort　Stephen。　But　he　glanced　behind　him　at　the　empty　living　room；　rubbing　his　hands　along　his　bare　arms。
　〃Richard　told　me　to　stay　in　the　house。　He　said　I　needed　to　rest。〃　He　wouldn't　meet　my　eyes　again。　〃I'm　afraid　to　be　alone；　Anita。　I　。　。　。〃　He　hung　his　head；　long　yellow　hair　spilling　like　a　curtain　to　hide　his　face。　〃I　can't　get　to　sleep。　I　keep　hearing　noises。〃
　I　put　a　finger　under　his　chin　and　lifted　his　face　gently。　〃Are　you　asking　to　sleep　in　here　with　me？〃
　His　eyes　stared　at　me；　wide　and　pain…filled。　〃Richard　said　I　could。〃
　〃Run　that　by　me　again；〃　I　said。
　〃I　told　him　I　couldn't　stand　to　be　alone。　He　said；　Anita's　here；　she'll　protect　you。　Go　sleep　with　her。〃　He　looked　at　me；　his　face　awkward。　Something　must　have　shown　on　my　face。　〃You're　mad　now。　I　don't　blame　you。　I'm　sorry　。　。　。　I'll　。　。　。〃　He　started　to　turn　away；　and　I　caught　his　arm。
　〃It's　okay；　Stephen。　I'm　not　mad　at　you。　Richard　and　I　had　a　。　。　。　disagreement；　that's　all。〃　I　didn't　want　him　to　sleep　in　here　with　me。　The　bed　was　too　small　for　two　people；　and　if　I　was　going　to　share　it　with　anyone；　I'd　have　preferred　Richard；　but　that　wasn't　going　to　happen。　Maybe　not　ever　at　the　rate　we　were　going。
　〃You　can　stay　in　here。〃　I　didn't　add；　keep　your　hands　to　yourself。　His　face　was　raw　with　a　need　that　had　nothing　to　do　with　sex。　He　needed　to　be　held；　to　be　told　the　monster　under　the　bed　wasn't　really　there。　I　couldn't　help　him　on　the　last。　The　monsters　were　real。　But　the　first；　I　might　manage　that。　Cold…blooded　killer　that　I　am；　maybe　I　could　share　my　toy　penguin　with　him。
　〃Could　you　get　an　extra　pillow　from　Richard's　room？〃　I　asked。
　He　nodded　and　fetched　it。　He　clutched　it　to　his　chest　like　he'd　have　rather　slept　with　it　than　on　it。　Maybe　the　penguin　wasn't　such　a　bad　idea。
　I　locked　the　door　behind　us。　I　could　have　moved　into　Richard's　room。　It　was　a　bigger　bed；　but　it　also　had　a　picture　window　with　a　deck　and　bird　feeders。　The　guest　room　only　had　one　small　window。　Easier　to　defend。　Unless　I　wanted　to　go　out　a　window；　they　were　both　traps；　so　we　stayed　in　the　more　secure　room。　Besides；　I'd　have　had　to　move　all　the　weapons　and　it　would　have　been　dawn　before　I　finished。
　I　pulled　the　covers　back　and　said；　〃You　first。〃　If　something　came　through　the　door；　I　wanted　to　be　the　first　to　greet　it；　but　I　didn't　say　that　out　loud。　Stephen　was　jumpy　enough。
　He　climbed　into　bed　with　his　pillow；　pressing　it　against　the　wall；　because　there　really　wasn't　room　for　two　full…sized　pillows。　He　lay　on　his　back；　staring　up　at　me；　his　curling　yellow　hair　falling　around　his　face　and　bare　shoulders　like　Sleeping　Beauty。　You　didn't　see　many　men　with　hair　longer　than　mine。　He　was　one　of　those　men　who　was　pretty　rather　than　handsome；　lovely　as　a　doll。　Staring　up　at　me　with　his　blue　eyes；　he　looked　about　twelve。　The　look　on　his　face　was　what　did　it；　like　he　was　expecting　me　to　kick　him；　and　he'd　let　me　because　he　couldn't　stop　me。　I　understood　in　that　moment　what　Raina　had　meant　about　him　being　anyone's　meat。　There　was　nothing　dominant　about　Stephen；　and　it　made　me　wonder　about　his　background。　Abused　children　will　sometimes　have　that　raw　look　to　their　eyes。　And　they'll　take　abuse；　because　it's　normal。
　〃What's　wrong？〃　Stephen　said。
　I'd　been　staring。　〃Nothing；　just　thinking。〃　Tonight　was　not　the　night　to　ask　if　his　father　had　beat　him。　I　thought　about　throwing　on　a　pair　of　jeans；　but　it　would　have　been　unfortable；　not　to　mention　hot。　It　was　late　spring；　the　heat　hadn't　set　in。　It　was　only　seventy　degrees；　but　it　wasn't　cool　enough　to　wear　jeans；　especially　if　you　had　someone　else　in　bed　with　you。　Besides；　I　wasn't　sure　how　Stephen　would　take