cp.creaturesofforever-第4部分
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the arm。 〃Take you for example。〃
I am her naive student； from long ago； and her remark wounds。 It strikes me then how much our relationship has changed since we met。 Then I was the sole knower of profound secrets。 Now I truly feel I am her student and study at her knee。 Mystery surrounds her like a halo。 I love her so much； but she scares me。
〃Am I only fit for the negative side？〃 I ask quietly。
She laughs more。 〃Silly vampire。 No； don't be ridiculous。 Who more than you is ready to give her life for others？〃
I gesture helplessly。 〃But I have killed so many over the years。〃
She is passionate。 〃It doesn't matter； Sita。 Really； I know this for a fact。〃
I have to smile。 〃I suppose you would since you have such a special child。〃
〃You understand what I am saying。 The issue of harvest is separate from the type of harvest。 Whether a person will go forward is dependent on his or her life vibration。 Whether he or she will enter a positive realm or a negative one depends on the quality of his or her heart。〃
〃Tell me more about this next realm？〃
〃I cannot。〃
〃But you see it？〃
〃Yes。 But words do not describe it。 The next dimension is even beyond the realms souls encounter when they die。〃 She pauses to run her hand through John's silky brown hair。 How will the world react； I wonder； to a brown messiah？ Of course； no race would satisfy everyone。 Paula adds； 〃The ing harvest will affect heaven and earth。〃
〃Is that why John was born？ To increase the positive harvest？〃
〃Yes。 But。 。 。〃 She does not finish。
〃What？〃
Paula frowns and then sighs。 〃Something is wrong。 The plan is off。〃
〃What are you talking about？ What plan？〃
〃God's plan。〃
〃He makes plans？ Are you sure about that？ I always thought he just rolled the dice when it came to us。〃
Paula smiles again； but the expression is short…lived。 She continues in a serious tone； hugging her baby to her chest。 John yawns and closes his eyes； ready for a nap。
〃Every individual affects the world； but it is difficult for so many to go forward； the way we would wish them to； when there is so much evil in the world。〃 She pauses。 〃Yet this evil is there for a reason。 It plays its part。 You remember Ory？〃
〃Yes。 How could I forget？ I just killed him last month。 Why do you ask？〃
But Paula is evasive； as Suzama often was。 〃He played his part〃 is all she says。
〃Paula；〃 I say。 〃I described to you what happened to me that night in the desert； when I confronted Ory。 It seemed as if for a time I was not physical； that the very matter of my body had changed into light。 Is that related to this harvest you describe？〃
〃Yes。〃
〃But when I changed； it seemed that I entered a spaceship from another world。 But it wasn't a spaceship。 I don't think anyone could see it but me； in my changed condition。 There were beings aboard。 Beings like demons； and I entered the mind of one。 At least I think I did。 But as time goes by； I begin to doubt that any of this happened； that I didn't just dream it all。 Does that make sense？〃
Paula nods。 〃That is why I can't describe what is to e next。 It would just be a dream to us； the way we are now。〃
〃But were these beings from a negative harvest？〃
She touches my knee。 〃Sita。 You want to understand everything with your head。 You ask me to describe what you call my visions with words。 But neither thing is possible。 Even your brilliant mind cannot reach beyond concepts。 Even your vampire eyes cannot see beyond this world。 I don't know who they were； these friends of Ory。 I don't know who this Heidi was。 I only know that she did not lie to you when she said she met you long ago。〃 Paula pauses and she raises her eyes to the water； to Lake Tahoe beyond the sheltered bay。 〃And that it was long ago things went wrong。〃
〃Went wrong？ For whom？〃
〃For all of us。〃
〃I don't understand；〃 I plain。
〃Did Suzama ever just explain things to you？〃
〃Sometimes。〃
〃No。 She would take a lesson only so far because she was not omniscient。 She saw a portion of the mind of God； but no mortal can see all of it。 Suzama was not infallible。〃
〃Is John？〃
The boy sleeps soundly。 Paula speaks with love。 〃John's a baby。〃
〃But who was he in the past？〃
Paula pauses。 〃I don't know。〃
〃Suzama said this child would be the same as the others： Jesus； Shankara； Krishna。 She wrote that…I saw her words with my own eyes。〃
〃Then why are you asking me？〃
〃To know if it's true。〃
〃Ah。 That is the question； isn't it？ What is true？ But didn't Suzama also write that faith is stronger than stone？〃
〃But I ask you these things so I will know what to have faith in。〃
〃Have faith in yourself； Sita。 These strangers have e for you for a purpose。 It does not sound as if they have the welfare of mankind at heart。 You must seek them out； learn what they want and how they hope to acplish it。〃
〃You have seen this in a vision？〃
Paula turns her head away。 〃I have seen too many things。〃
I have to wonder if she has seen my death。
〃You can tell me；〃 I say carefully。
〃No。〃
〃I am not afraid to hear what is to be。〃
Paula lowers her head。 A tear runs over her cheek。
〃I am afraid；〃 she whispers。
〃Suzama；〃 I say； and stop myself。 But Paula is already looking at me and shaking her head。
〃I didn't call you as I promised I would after I fled from Kalika；〃 she says。 〃Do you know why？〃
〃I meant to ask you。 I assume you had a vision that it would be better to keep your distance。 At least for a time。〃
〃No。 I didn't talk to you because I began to understand your destiny…destiny itself。 It can only be lived； it cannot be explained。 It is like a mystery； which ceases to exist the moment you explain it。 The same with a magic trick。 When you are told how it works； it loses all its charm。〃
〃What you're saying is that you'll tell me no more of what you've seen？〃
〃I have seen no more； and for that I am glad。〃
〃You look more sad than happy。〃
Paula smiles sadly。 〃Because I know you'll be going away soon。〃
I thought the same thing。 I am anxious to return to Los Angeles to trace Heidi's background。 〃But I will keep in touch；〃 I say。 〃I will see you soon。〃
Paula doesn't say anything more。 She glances at the vase containing Kalika's ashes。
〃Why did you bring that here？〃 she asks。
〃To put the ashes in the water。〃
She nods。 〃It is time to move on。〃
Sorrow washes over me。 〃I still think of her all the time。〃
〃She lived the life she was born to live。〃 She pauses。 〃I never told you what she said to me when she burst into my house and grabbed hold of John。 She said； 'Hello； Paula。 I have no friends but I am a friend of your son's。 Tonight everything will e together in a wave of blood。 But don't worry； he is stronger than this night。'〃
Now I am close to tears。 〃Her life was so short。〃
Paula forts me； rubs my arm。 〃She couldn't stay too long。 She was a star that burned too bright。 The strength of her soul would have made us all go blind。〃 Paula gestures to the vase and stands； John still asleep in her arms。 〃Say your goodbyes。 I will wait for you at the house。〃
I ask weakly。 〃To say goodbye？〃
〃Yes。〃
My voice cracks with emotion。 I need her to understand why。 〃I loved Suzama。 I loved her with all my heart。 When she died； I almost died。〃
Her voice is soothing。 〃You were younger then。 You are stronger now。〃
I look up at her。 〃Will I see you again？ After today？〃
Suzama stares at me for a long time。 It is Suzama； yes； and she stares with the eyes of humanity's greatest clairvoyant。 Her eyes are dry now； she has no tears； as she slowly shakes her head。
〃I don't think so； Sita；〃 she says。
She turns and walks away。
I am left alone with my daughter's ashes； and soon these are gone； too； on the gentle ripples of the bay。 I poured them from the vase without words； but with great nostalgia and love。 True； she was an avatar； a creature of the divine； yet even Kalika's ashes dissolve in water。 My memories are strong then； my pain nailed to a bloody past。 But strong also is my vision of the future。 It is true what Suzama says。 I will leave this place； leave my few friends； and confront an enemy I know will kill me。 Kill me because I crave love instead of power。 But this I have lived five thousand years to learn。 Power is as cold as forgotten ashes。 Only my love can keep alive the memory of my daughter； the stories of Ray； Arturo； Yaksha； and most of all the grace of Krishna。
My blessed Lord…how he must laugh at me when I sing him to sleep in the middle of the night。 Sing him songs from the holy Vedas that he himself wrote when he walked under the trees of ancient India。 It is the divine child I will miss the most。 Not to see him grow old； to hear him speak wisdom。 I fear I will be ash before he even utters his first words。 And I have to wonder who will remember me when I am gone。 I worry that even Suzama and Seymour will forget me。 Me…Alisa； Sita； or a thousand other names that I have been called by strangers who became friends or lovers。 I fear it will be as if I never was。 Never a vampire。 The last vampire； whose long life now es to a close。
Death does not scare me； but oblivion does。 There is a difference。 In my daughter's ashes I see my own bright star sink beneath the surface and go out。 My end will erase my beginning。 I don't know how but I know it is true。 And I must choose that end because it is my destiny。
3
The wallet and the passport from Heidi's pockets identified her as a certain Linda Clairee。 I know her address； her bank account number； even her supposed birthdate。 She is supposed to have lived in a house not far from where I lived when I gave birth to Kalika。 I am very curious as I drive to her house after flying into LAX。
The place is modest； nondescript even； stucco walls with a wooden fence surrounding an uninspired yard of grass and a few bushes。 Slowly I walk toward the front door。 There is someone inside watching TV and drinking what smells like beer。 The sounds and odors drift out through a torn screen door。 I knock lightly and brace myself for instant death。 Yet I have a matrix in my pocket；
