sk.theplant-第22部分

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　　I　thought；　I　didn't　know　you　were　married；　and　his　thought　came　back　right　away；　filling　my　head　for　just　a　moment：　It　was　a　long　time　before　I　ended　up　in　this　shithole。
　　We　stared　at　each　other；　big…eyed。
　　〃Wow；〃　said　he。
　　〃Yeah；〃　said　she。　〃Go　on；　Herb。　And　while　I　can't　speak　for　all　women；　this　one　has　never　laughed　at　impotency　in　her　life。〃
　　Herb　went　on；　a　little　more　subdued。　〃Lisa　left　me　when　I　was　twenty…four；　because　I　couldn't　satisfy　her　as　a　woman。　I　never　hated　her　for　it；　she　gave　it　her　best　for　two　years。　Couldn't　have　been　easy。　Since　then；　I　think　I've　managed　it。　。　。　you　know；　it。　。　。　maybe　three　times。〃
　　I　thought　about　this　and　my　mind　boggled。　Herb　claims　to　be　forty…three；　but　thanks　to　our　ivy…induced　ESP；　I　know　he's　forty…eight。　His　wife　left　him　in　search　of　greener　pastures　（and　stiffer　penises）　half　a　lifetime　ago。　If　he's　only　had　successful　sexual　relations　three　times　since　then；　that　means　he's　gotten　laid　once　every　time　Neptune　circles　the　sun。　Dear；　dear；　dear。
　　〃There's　a　good　medical　reason　for　this；〃　said　he；　with　great　earnestness。　〃From　the　age　of　ten　to　the　age　of　fifteen…my　sexually　formative　years…I　was　a　paperboy；　and…〃
　　〃Being　a　paperboy　made　you　impotent？〃　I　asked。
　　〃Would　you　be　quiet　a　minute？〃
　　I　mimed　running　a　zipper　shut　across　my　lips　and　settled　back　in　my　chair。　I　like　a　good　story　as　well　as　anyone；　I　just　haven't　seen　many　at　Zenith　House。
　　〃I　had　a　three…speed　Raleigh　bike；〃　Herb　said。　〃At　first　it　was　all　right；　and　then　one　day　while　it　was　parked　behind　the　school；　some　asshole　came　along　and　knocked　off　the　seat。〃　Herb　paused　dramatically。　〃That　asshole　ruined　my　life。〃
　　Do　tell；　I　thought。
　　〃Although；〃　continued　Herb；　〃my　cheapskate　father　must　also　bear　part　of　the　blame。〃
　　Plenty　of　blame　to　go　around；　thought　I。　Everyone　gets　a　helping　but　you。
　　〃I　heard　that；〃　he　said　sharply。
　　〃I'm　sure　you　did；〃　said　I。　〃Just　go　on　with　your　story。〃
　　〃The　bike　was　obviously　ruined；　but　would　that　cheapskate　get　me　a　new　one？〃
　　〃No；〃　I　said。　〃Instead　of　a　new　bike；　the　cheapskate　got　you　a　new　seat。〃
　　〃That's　right；〃　said　Herb。；　by　this　point　too　deep　into　his　own　narrative　to　realize　I　was　stealing　all　of　his　best　lines　right　out　of　his　head。　The　truth　is；　Herb　has　been　telling　himself　this　story　for　a　lot　of　years。　For　him；　My　Dad　Wrecked　My　Sex　Life　is　right　up　there　with　The　Democrats　Ruined　the　Economy　and　Let's　Fry　the　Addicts　and　End　America's　Drug　Problem。　〃Only　the　bike…store　didn't　have　a　Raleigh　seat；　and　could　my　father　wait　for　one？　Oh　no。　I　had　papers　to　deliver。　Also；　the　no…brand　seat　the　guy　showed　him　was　ten　bucks　cheaper　than　the　replacement　Raleigh　seat　in　the　catalogue。　Of　course　it　was　also　a　lot　smaller。　In　fact；　it　was　a　pygmy　bicycle　seat。　This　little　vinyl…covered　triangle　that　shoved　right　up。　。　。　well。　。　。　〃
　　〃Up　there；〃　I　said；　wanting　to　be　helpful　（also　wanting　to　get　back　to　work　at　some　point　before　July　Fourth）。
　　〃That's　right；〃　he　said。　〃Up　there。　For　almost　five　years　I　rode　all　over　Danbury；　Connecticut　with　that　goddamn　pygmy　bicycle　seat　pushing　up　into　the　most　delicate　region　of　a　young　boy's　body。　And　look　at　me　now。〃　Herb　raised　his　arms　and　then　dropped　them；　as　if　to　indicate　what　a　pitiful；　wasted　creature　he　has　bee。　Which　is　quite　funny；　when　you　consider　the　size　of　him。　〃These　days　my　idea　of　a　meaningful　physical　experience　with　a　woman　is　going　down　to　The　Landing　Strip；　where　I　might　stuff　a　five　dollar　bill　into　some　girl's　g…string。〃
　　〃Herb；〃　I　said。　〃Do　you　get　a　hardon　when　you　do　that？〃
　　He　drew　himself　up；　and　I　saw　an　interesting　thing：　Herb　had　a　pretty　damned　good　one　right　then。　Hubba；　hubba！
　　〃That's　a　damned　personal　question；　Sandra；〃　said　he　in　a　grave　and　heavy　tone　of　voice。　〃Pretty　gosh…damn　personal。〃
　　〃Do　you　get　a　hardon　when　you　masturbate？〃
　　〃Let　me　tell　you　a　little　secret；〃　he　said。　〃There　are　basketball　players　who　can　shoot　it　from　downtown　all　over　the　court；　nothing　but　net　until　practice　is　over　and　the　buzzer　goes　off。　Then　every　toss　is　a　brick。〃
　　〃Herb；〃　said　I；　〃let　me　tell　you　a　little　secret。　The　bicycle　seat　story　has　been　around　since　bicycles　were　invented。　Before　that　it　was　the　mumps；　or　maybe　a　cross…eyed　look　from　the　village　witch。　And　I　don't　need　telepathy　to　know　the　answer　to　the　questions　I've　been　asking。　I've　got　eyes。〃　And　I　dropped　them　to　the　area　just　below　his　belt。　By　then　it　looked　like　he　had　a　pretty　good…sized　socket　wrench　hidden　down　there。
　　〃Doesn't　last；〃　said　he；　and　right　then　he　looked　so　sad　that　I　felt　sad。　Men　are　fragile　creatures；　when　you　get　right　down　to　it；　the　real　animals　in　the　glass　menagerie。　〃Once　the　action　starts；　Mr。　Johnson　likes　life　a　lot　better　in　the　rear　echelon。　Where　nobody　stands　at　attention　and　nobody　salutes。〃
　　〃You're　caught　in　a　Catch…22；〃　said　I。　〃All　men　suffering　from　chronic　impotency　are。　You　can't　get　it　up　because　you're　afraid　you　won't　be　able　to；　and　you're　afraid　you　won't　be　able　to　because…〃
　　〃Thank　you；　Betty　Freidan；〃　said　Herb。　〃It　just　so　happens　that　there　are　a　great　many　physical　causes　of　impotency。　Some　day　there'll　probably　be　a　pill　that　will　take　care　of　the　problem。〃
　　〃Some　day　there'll　probably　be　Holiday　Inns　on　the　moon；〃　I　said。　〃In　the　meantime；　how　would　you　like　to　do　something　a　bit　more　interesting　than　sniffing　the　seat　of　my　office　chair？〃
　　He　looked　at　me　unhappily。　〃Sandra；〃　said　he；　with　no　trace　of　his　usual　bluster；　〃I　can't。　I　just　can't。　I've　done　this　enough…tried　to　do　this　enough；　I　should　say…to　know　what　happens。〃
　　Inspiration　struck　then。　。　。　although　I　don't　entirely　believe　I　can　take　credit　for　it。　Things　have　changed　here。　I　never　thought　I'd　be　glad　to　get　to　the　office；　but　I　think　that　for　the　rest　of　this　year　I'll　just　about　race　into　my　clothes　so　I　can　get　here　early。　Because　things　have　changed。　Lights　have　e　on　in　my　head　（other　places；　as　well）　that　I　never　even　suspected　until　now。
　　〃Herb；〃　said　I。　〃I　want　you　to　go　down　to　Riddley's　cubby。　I　want　you　to　stand　there　and　look　at　the　plant。　Most　of　all；　I　want　you　to　take　four　or　five　really　deep　breaths…pull　them　all　the　way　down　to　the　bottom　of　your　lungs。　Really　smell　those　good　smells。　And　then　e　right　back　here。〃
　　He　looked　uneasily　out　through　the　window　in　my　door。　John　and　Bill　were　out　there；　talking　in　the　hall。　Bill　saw　Herb　and　gave　him　a　little　wave。
　　〃Sandra；　if　we　were　to　have　sex；　I　hardly　think　your　office　would　be　a　viable…〃
　　〃You　let　me　worry　about　that；〃　I　said。　〃Just　go　on　up　there　and　take　a　few　deep　breaths。　Then　e　on　back。　Will　you　do　that？〃
　　He　thought　about　it；　then　nodded　reluctantly。　He　started　to　open　the　door；　then　looked　back　at　me。　〃I　appreciate　you　bothering　with　me；〃　said　he；　〃especially　when　I　was　giving　you　such　a　hard　time。　I　just　wanted　to　tell　you　that。〃
　　I　thought　of　telling　him　that　altruism　does　not　form　a　large　part　of　Sandra　Jackson's　makeup…my　motor　was　revving　pretty　hard　by　then…and　decided　he　probably　knew　that。
　　〃Just　go　on；〃　I　said。　〃We　don't　have　all　day。〃
　　When　he　was　gone；　I　took　out　my　pad　and　scribbled　a　note　on　it：　〃The　ladies'　room　on　six　is　usually　deserted　at　this　time　of　day。　I　expect　to　be　there　for　the　next　twenty　minutes　or　so　with　my　skirt　up　and　my　knickers　down。　A　man　of　stout　heart　（or　stout　something）　might　join　me。〃　I　paused；　then　added：　〃A　man　of　moderate　intelligence　as　well　as　stout　heart　might　toss　this　note　in　the　wastebasket　before　leaving　for　the　sixth　floor。〃
　　I　went　up　to　six；　where　the　ladies'　is　almost　always　deserted　（it　has　crossed　my　mind　that　perhaps　there　are　currently　no　female　employees　on　that　floor　of　490　Park　Avenue　South）；　went　into　the　stall　at　the　end；　and　removed　certain　garments。　Then　I　waited；　not　sure　what　might　happen　next。　And　I　mean　that。　Whatever　telepathy　there　may　be　in　the　fifth…floor　offices　of　Zenith　House；　its　effective　range　is　even　shorter　than　that　of　a　college　FM　radio　station。
　　Five　minutes　went　by；　then　seven。　I'd　made　up　my　mind　that　he　wasn't　ing；　and　then　the　door　squeaked　open　and　a　very　cautious；　very　un…Porterly　voice　whispered；　〃Sandra？〃
　　〃Trot　down　here　to　the　end；〃　said　I；　〃and　make　it　quick。〃
　　He　came　down　and　opened　the　stall　door。　To　say　he　looked　excited　would　be　an　understatement。　And　he　no　longer　looked　as　if　he　had　a　socket…wrench　stuffed　down　the　front　of　his　pants。　By　then　it　looked　more　like　a　good…sized　Craftsman　hammer。
　　〃Gee；〃　said　I；　reaching　out　to　touch　him；　〃I　guess　maybe　the　effect　of　that　bicycle　seat　finally　wore　off。〃
　　He　started　fumbling　at　his　belt。　It　kept　sliding　through　his　fingers。　It　was　sort　of　funny；　but　also　very　sweet。　I　pushed　his　hands　away　and　did　it　myself。
　　〃Quick；〃　he　panted。　〃Oh；　quick。　Before　it　goes　away。〃
　　〃This　guy　isn't　going　anywhere；〃　said　I；　although　I　did　actually　have　a　certain　short…term　storage　site　in　mind。　〃Relax。〃
　　〃It　was　the　plant；〃　he　said。　〃The　smell。　。　。　oh　my　God；　the　smell。　。　。　musky　and　dark；　somehow。　。　。　the　way　I'd　always　imagined　the　fields　would　smell　in　that　county　Faulkner　wrote　about；　the　one　with　the　name　no　one　can　pronounce。　。　。　oh　Sandra；　good　Christ；　I　feel　like　I　could　pole…vault　on　this　thing！〃
　　〃Shut　up　and　change　places　with　me；〃　I　said。　〃You　sit　down　and　then　I'll〃
　　〃To　the　devil　with　that；〃　he　said；　and　lifted　me　up。　He's　strong…a　lot　stronger　than　I　ever　would　have　guessed…and　almost　before　I　knew　what　was　happening；　we　were　off　to　the　races。
　　As　races　of　this　sort　go；　it　was　neither　the　longest　nor　the　fastest　in　which　I　have　ever　run；　but　it　wasn't　bad；　especially　considering　that　Herb　Porter　was　last　laid　around　the　time　Nixon　resigned；　if　he　was　telling　me　the　truth。　When　he　finally　set　me　down；　there　were　tears　on　his　cheeks。　Plus　there's　this：　before　leaving　he　a。　thanked　me　and　b。　kissed　me。　I　don't　subscribe　to　many　of　the　romantic　ideals；　I'm　more　of　a　Dorothy　Parker　type　（〃good　girls　go　to　heaven；　bad　girls　go　everywhere〃）；　but　sweet　is　nice。　The　man　who　left　ahead　of　me　（pausing　at　the　door　and　checking　both　ways　before　going　out）　seemed　a　lot　different　from　the　man　who　came　stalking　into　my　office　with　a　l