sk.theplant-第27部分
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t； then go ahead with that； too。 More fools you be。〃
Floyd drew his fist back。 He would have hit me； too； but Maddy stepped between us。 She looked at me； and I looked away。 I couldn't bear what I saw in her eyes。
〃You with the quotes；〃 she said softly。 〃Always with the quotable quotes。 Well； here's one for you； Mr。 Uppity： 'He that hath a wife and children hath given hostages to fortune。 ' Francis Bacon said that almost three hundred years ago； and it was folks like us he was talking about； not folks like you。 Not folks that take twenty or thirty thousand dollars to get educated； then have to do research in floor…polishing。 How much have you given back to your family？ I'll tell you how much！ Nothing！ And nothing！ And nothing！〃
She was standing so close and spat each nothing so hard that spit flew from her lips to mine。
〃Maddy； I…〃
〃Shut up；〃 she said。 〃I'm talking now。〃
〃Tell it！〃 Sophie said happily。 It was a nightmare； I tell you。 A nightmare。
〃I'm getting out of here；〃 I said； and started to turn away。
They wouldn't let me。 That's like nightmares； too； they won't let you get away。 Evelyn grabbed me on one side； Floyd on the other。
〃No；〃 Evvie said； and I could smell booze on her breath； too。 The wine they were drinking downstairs。 〃You listen。 For once in your stuck…up life； you just listen。〃
〃You weren't here when she got funny； but we were；〃 Maddy said。 〃The strokes she had affected her mind。 Sometimes she went wandering； and we had to go find her and bring her back。 Once she did it at night and we had half the town out looking for her with flashlights。 So far as I could tell； you weren't there when we finally found her at two in the morning； curled up on the riverbank fast asleep with half a dozen fat copperheads down there not four yards from her bare feet。 So far as I know； you were up there in your New York apartment when that happened； fast asleep yourself。〃
〃Tell it；〃 Floyd said grimly。 All of them acting as though I live in the Dakota； in a penthouse； instead of my little place in Dobbs Ferry。 。 。 and yet my little place is nice enough； isn't it？ Perfectly affordable； even on a janitor's salary； for a man with no vices and no hostages to fortune。
〃Sometimes she messed herself；〃 Maddy said。 〃Sometimes she talked crazy in church。 She'd go to her book…circle and rave half an hour about some book she'd read twenty years ago。 She'd be all right for awhile。 。 。 she had plenty of good days until the last few months。 。 。 but sooner or later the nutty stuff would start in again； each time a little worse； a little longer。 And you didn't know about any of it； did you？〃
〃How could I？〃 I asked。 〃How could I； when none of you wrote and told me？ Not so much as a word？〃
That was the one shot of mine that went home。 Maddy flushed。 Sophie and Evvie looked away； saw the treasure scattered on the bed； and then looked away from that； too。
〃Would you have e？〃 Floyd asked quietly。 〃If we'd written you； Riddie； would you have e？〃
〃Of course；〃 I said； and heard the terrible stiff falsity in my voice。 So； of course； did they。 。 。 and the moral advantage passed away from me。 For tonight； most likely for good； as far as they are concerned。 That their own moral stance was at least partly an excuse for reprehensible behavior I do not doubt。 But their anger at me was genuine； and at least partly justified…I don't doubt that； either。
〃Of course；〃 he said； nodding and grinning his red…eyed grin。 〃Of course。〃
〃We took care of her；〃 Maddy said。 〃We banded together and we took care of her。 There was no hospital and no nursing home； even after she started to wander。 After the riverbank adventure I slept here some nights； so did Sophie； so did Evelyn and Floyd。 Everyone but you； Rid。 And how did she thank us？ By leaving us a worthless house and a worthless barn and four acres of nearly worthless land。 The things that were worth something…money that could pay off the credit cards Floyd uses for his business and give Jack a little more breathing…space…those she denied us。 So we took them。 And you e in； Mr。 Smart Northern Nigger es in； and tells us we're ghouls stealing the pennies off a dead woman's eyes。〃
〃But Maddy。 。 。 don't you see that if what you take isn't what she wanted to give； no matter how much of a tight place you're in or how bad you need it； that's stealing？ Stealing from your own mother？〃
〃My own mother was crazy！〃 she cried at me in a whispered shriek。 She pistoned her tiny fists in the air； I think expressing her frustration that I should continue to balk over a point that was so clear to her。 。 。 perhaps because she had been there； she had seen Mama's craziness at its fruitiest； and I had not。 〃She lived the last part of her life crazy and she died crazy！ That will was crazy！〃
〃We earned this here；〃 Sophie said； first patting Maddy's back and then drawing her gently away from me； 〃so never mind your talk about stealing。 She tried to give away what was ours。 I don't blame her for it； she was crazy； but it's not going to stand。 Riddie； you just want to take all your Boy Scout ideas on out of here and let us finish our business。〃
〃That's right；〃 Evvie said。 〃Go on down and get a glass of wine。 If Boy Scouts drink wine； that is。 Tell them we'll be down directly。〃
I looked at Floyd。 He nodded； not smiling now。 By then none of them were smiling。 Smiling was done。 〃That's it； little brother。 And never mind that oh…poor…me look on your face。 You stuck your nose in where it didn't belong。 If you got bee…stung； it's nobody's fault but your own。〃
At the last I looked at Maddy。 Just hoping。 Well； hope in one hand and shit in the other； even a puffick idiot knows how that one turns out。
〃Go on；〃 she said。 〃I can't bear to look at you。〃
I went back down the stairs like a man in a dream； and when Aunt Olympia laid her hand on my arm and asked what was wrong up there； I smiled and said nothing； we were just talking over old times and got a little hot under the collar。 The Southern family at its finest； paging Tennessee Williams。 I said I was going into town to get a few things； and when Aunt Olly asked me what things…meaning what had she forgotten when she stocked for Mama's last party…I didn't answer her。 I just went on out； marching straight ahead with that meaningless little smile on my face； and got into my rental car。 Basically what I've done since is just keep going。 I left a few clothes and a paperback book； and they can stay there until the end of the age； as far as it concerns me。 And all the while I've been moving I've also been replaying what I saw as I stood unnoticed in her doorway： drawers pulled out and underwear scattered and them on the bed with their hands full of her things and the cover of her tin box set aside。 And everything they said may have been true； or partially true （I think the most convincing lies are almost always partially true）； but what I remember most clearly is their overheard laughter； which had nothing in it of absconding partners or husbands teetering on the edge of insolvency or credit card bills long past due and stamped with those ugly red…ink warnings。 Nothing to do with kids needing money for college； either。 The rue count； in other words； was zero。 The laughter I overheard was that of pirates or trolls who have found buried treasure and are dividing it up； perchance by the light of a silver dollar pancake moon。 I went down the stairs and down the back porch steps and away from that place like a man in a dream； and I am still that dreamer； sitting in a train with ink splattered all the way up my hand to the wrist and several pages of scribbling； probably indecipherable； now behind me。 How foolish it is to write； what a pitiful bulwark against this world's hard realities and bitter home truths。 How terrible to say； 〃This is all I have。〃 Everything aches： hand； wrist； arm； head； heart。 I am going to close my eyes and try to sleep。 。 。 at least to doze。
It's Maddy's face that terrifies me。 Greed has made her a stranger to me。 A terrible stranger； like one of those female monsters in the Greek fairy…tales。 No doubt I am a prig； just as they said； a self…righteous prig； but nothing will change what I saw in their eyes when they didn't know I was seeing them。
Nothing。
More than my book； I find it's the simplicities of work that I long for…Kenton's endless self…analysis and agonizing； Gelb's amusing fixation with the dice； Porter's even more amusing fixation with the seat of Sandra Jackson's office chair。 I wouldn't even mind having it off with her again； starring in one of her fantasies。 I want the simplicity of my janitor's cubby； where all things are known； normal； unsurprising。 I want to see if that pitiful little ivy is maintaining its toehold on life。
Around moonset； the Silver Meteor crossed the Mason…Dixon line。 My sisters and my brother are on the other side of that line now； and I'm glad。
I can't wait to get back to New York。
Later/8 A。 M。
Slept for almost five hours。 My neck is stiff and my back feels like a mule kicked me； but on the whole I feel a little better。 At least I was able to eat a little breakfast。 I thought the idea I woke with might go away in the dining car； but it has remained clear。 The idea…the intuition…is that if I were to go into the office instead of switching trains for Dobbs Ferry； I might feel better yet。 I feel drawn there。 It's as though I had a dream about the place； one I can't quite remember。
Maybe it's the plant…Zenith the ivy。 My subconscious telling me to go in and water the poor little thing before it dies of thirst。
Well。 。 。 why not？
From the dispatches of Iron…Guts Hecksler
Apr 4 81 0600 hrs Pk Ave So NYC
Zero hour approaching。 I plan to make my entry into the Publishing House of Satan across the street in 2…3 hours。 〃Crazy Guitar Gertie〃 disguise put away。 Respectable businessman in weekend clothes now； HA！
Look out； you Designated Jew。 I will be in your office by noon； waiting
On Monday morning your ass is mine。
No more dreams of CARLOS。 He may be gone。 Good。 One less thing to worry about。
from THE SAKRED BOOK OF CARLOS
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