ss.iftomorrowcomes-第10部分

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n　the　edge　of　the　filthy　bunk　and　wiped　the　beads　of　cold　perspiration　from　her　face　with　her　skirt。　My　baby；　she　thought。　I　should　have　told　the　warden　I'm　going　to　have　a　baby。　He'll　move　me　into　a　clean　cell。　Perhaps　they'll　even　let　me　have　a　cell　by　myself。
　
　She　heard　footsteps　ing　down　the　corridor。　A　matron　was　walking　past　the　cell。　Tracy　hurried　to　the　cell　door。　〃Excuse　me；〃　she　said；　〃I　have　to　see　the　warden。　I'm…〃
　
　〃I'll　send　him　right　down；〃　the　matron　said　over　her　shoulder。
　
　〃You　don't　understand。　I'm…〃
　
　The　matron　was　gone。
　
　Tracy　crammed　her　knuckles　in　her　mouth　to　keep　from　screaming。
　
　〃You　sick　or　somethin'；　honey？〃　the　Puerto　Rican　asked。
　
　Tracy　shook　her　head；　unable　to　speak。　She　walked　back　to　the　bunk；　looked　at　it　a　moment；　then　slowly　lay　down　on　it。　It　was　an　act　of　hopelessness；　an　act　of　surrender。　She　closed　her　eyes。
　
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　Her　tenth　birthday　was　the。most　exciting　day　of　her　life。　We're　going　to　Antoine's　for　dinner；　her　father　announced。
　
　Antoine's！　It　was　a　name　that　conjured　up　another　world；　a　world　of　beauty　and　glamour　and　wealth。　Tracy　knew　that　her　father　did　not　have　much　money：　We'll　be　able　to　afford　a　vacation　next　year；　was　the　constant　refrain　in　the　house。　And　now　they　were　going　to　Antoine's！　Tracy's　mother　dressed　her　in　a　new　green　frock。
　
　Just　look　at　you　two；　her　father　boasted。　I'm　with　the　two　prettiest　women　in　New　Orleans。　Everyone's　going　to　be　jealous　of　me。
　
　Antoine's　was　everything　Tracy　had　dreamed　it　would　be；　and　more。　So　much　more。　It　was　a　fairyland；　elegant　and　tastefully　decorated；　with　white　napery　and　gleaming　silver…and…gold　monogrammed　dishes。　It's　a　palace；　Tracy　thought。　I'll　bet　kings　and　queens　e　here。　She　was　too　excited　to　eat；　too　busy　staring　at　all　the　beautifully　dressed　men　and　women。　When　I'm　grown　up；　Tracy　promised　herself；　I'm　going　to　e　to　Antoine's　every　night；　and　I'll　bring　my　mother　and　father　with　me。
　
　You're　not　eating；　Tracy；　her　mother　said。
　
　And　to　please　her；　Tracy　forced　herself　to　eat　a　few　mouthfuls。　There　was　a　cake　for　her；　with　ten　candles　on　it；　and　the　waiters　sang　Happy　Birthday　and　the　other　guests　turned　and　applauded；　and　Tracy　felt　like　a　princess。　Outside　she　could　hear　the　clang　of　a　streetcar　bell　as　it　passed。
　
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　The　clanging　of　the　bell　was　loud　and　insistent。
　
　〃Suppertime；〃　Ernestine　Littlechap　announced。
　
　Tracy　opened　her　eyes。　Cell　doors　were　slamming　open　throughout　the　cell　block。　Tracy　lay　on　her　bunk；　trying　desperately　to　hang　on　to　the　past。
　
　〃Hey！　Chow　time；〃　the　young　Puerto　Rican　said。
　
　The　thought　of　food　sickened　her。　〃I'm　not　hungry。〃
　
　Paulita；　the　fat　Mexican　woman　spoke。　〃Es　llano。　It's　simple。　They　don'　care　if　you're　hungry　or　not。　Everybody　gotta　go　to　mess。〃
　
　Inmates　were　lining　up　in　the　corridor　outside。
　
　〃You　better　move　it；　or　they'll　have　your　ass；〃　Ernestine　warned。
　
　I　can't　move；　Tracy　thought。　I'll　stay　here。
　
　Her　cell　mates　left　the　cell　and　lined　up　in　a　double　file。　A　short；　squat　matron　with　peroxided…blond　hair　saw　Tracy　lying　on　her　bunk。　〃You！〃　she　said。　〃Didn't　you　hear　the　bell？　Get　out　here。〃
　
　Tracy　said；　〃I'm　not　hungry；　thank　you。　I'd　like　to　be　excused。〃
　
　The　matron's　eyes　widened　in　disbelief。　She　stormed　inside　the　cell　and　strode　over　to　where　Tracy　lay。　〃Who　the　fuck　do　you　think　you　are？　You　waitin'　for　room　service？　Get　your　ass　in　that　line。　I　could　put　you　on　report　for　this：　If　it　happens　again；　you　go　to　the　bing。　Understand？〃
　
　She　did　not　understand。　She　did　not　understand　anything　that　was　happening　to　her。　She　dragged　herself　from　the　bunk　and　walked　out　into　the　line　of　women。　She　was　standing　next　to　the　black　woman。　〃Why　do　I…？〃
　
　〃Shut　up！〃　Ernestine　Littlechap　growled　out　of　the　corner　of　her　mouth。　〃No　talkin'　in　line。〃
　
　The　women　were　marched　down　a　narrow；　cheerless　corridor　past　two　sets　of　security　doors；　into　an　enormous　mess　hall　filled　with　large　wooden　tables　and　chairs。　There　was　a　long　serving　counter　with　steam　tables；　where　prisoners　lined　up　for　their　food。　The　menu　of　the　day　consisted　of　a　watery　tuna　casserole；　limp　green　beans；　a　pale　custard；　and　a　choice　of　weak　coffee　or　a　synthetic　fruit　drink。　Ladles　of　the　unappetizing…looking　food　were　thrown　into　the　tin　plates　of　the　prisoners　as　they　moved　along　the　line；　and　the　inmates　who　were　serving　behind　the　counter　kept　up　a　steady　cry：　〃Keep　the　line　moving。　Next。。。　keep　the　line　moving。　Next。。。〃
　
　When　Tracy　was　served；　she　stood　there　uncertainly；　not　sure　where　to　go。　She　looked　around　for　Ernestine　Littlechap；　but　the　black　woman　had　disappeared。　Tracy　walked　over　to　a　table　where　Lola　and　Paulita；　the　fat　Mexican　woman；　were　seated。　There　were　twenty　women　at　the　table；　hungrily　wolfing　down　their　food。　Tracy　looked　down　at　what　was　on　her　plate；　then　pushed　it　away；　as　the　bile　rose　and　welled　in　her　throat。
　
　Paulita　reached　over　and　grabbed　the　plate　from　Tracy。　〃If　you　ain't　gonna　eat　that；　I'll　take　it。〃
　
　Lola　said；　〃Hey；　you　gotta　eat；　or　you　won't　last　here。〃
　
　I　don't　want　to　last；　Tracy　thought　hopelessly。　l　want　to　die。　How　could　these　women　tolerate　living　like　this？　How　tong　had　they　been　here？　Months？　Years？　She　thought　of　the　fetid　cell　and　her　verminous　mattress；　and　she　wanted　to　scream。　She　clenched　her　jaw　shut　so　that　no　sound　would　e　out。
　
　The　Mexican　woman　was　saying；　〃If　they　catch　you　not　eatin'；　you　go　to　the　bing。〃　She　saw　the　unprehending　look　on　Tracy's　face。　〃The　hole…　solitary。　You　wouldn't　like　it。〃　She　leaned　forward。　〃This　is　your　first　time　in　the　joint；　huh？　Well；　I'm　gonna　give　you　a　tip；　querida。　Ernestine　Littlechap　runs　this　place。　Be　nice　to　her　an'　you　got　it　made。〃
　
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　Thirty　minutes　from　the　time　the　women　had　entered　the　room；　a　loud　bell　sounded　and　the　women　stood　up。　Paulita　snatched　a　lone　green　bean　from　a　plate　next　to　her。　Tracy　joined　her　in　the　line；　and　the　women　began　the　march　back　to　their　cells。　Supper　was　over。　It　was　four　o'clock　in　the　afternoon…　five　long　hours　to　endure　before　lights　out。
　
　When　Tracy　returned　to　the　cell；　Ernestine　Littlechap　was　already　there。　Tracy　wondered　incuriously　where　she　had　bee　at　dinnertime。　Tracy　looked　at　the　toilet　in　the　corner。　She　desperately　needed　to　use　it；　but　she　could　not　bring　herself　to　do　so　in　front　of　these　women。　She　would　wait　until　the　lights　went　out。　She　sat　down　on　the　edge　of　her　bunk。
　
　Ernestine　Littlechap　said；　〃I　understan'　you　didn't　eat　none　of　your　supper。　Tha's　stupid。〃
　
　How　could　she　have　known　that？　And　why　should　she　care？　〃How　do　I　see　the　warden？〃
　
　〃You　put　in　a　written　request。　The　guards　use　it　for　toilet　paper。　They　figure　any　cunt　who　wants　to　see　the　warden　is　a　troublemaker。〃　She　walked　over　to　Tracy。　〃There's　lotsa　things　kin　get　you　in　trouble　here。　What　you　need　is　a　friend　who　kin　he'p　keep　you　outta　trouble。〃　She　smiled；　showing　a　gold　front　tooth。　Her　voice　was　soft。　〃Someone　who　knows　their　way　around　the　zoo。〃
　
　Tracy　looked　up　into　the　black　woman's　grinning　face。　It　seemed　to　be　floating　somewhere　near　the　ceiling。
　
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　It　was　the　tallest　thing　she　had　ever　seen。
　
　That's　a　giraffe；　her　father　said。
　
　They　were　at　the　zoo　in　Audubon　Park。　Tracy　loved　the　park。　On　Sundays　they　went　there　to　listen　to　the　band　concerts　and　afterward　her　mother　and　father　took　her　to　the　aquarium　or　the　zoo。　They　walked　slowly；　looking　at　the　animals　in　the　cages。
　
　Don't　they　hate　being　locked　up；　Papa？
　
　Her　father　laughed。　No。　Tracy。　They　have　a　wonderful　life　They're　taken　care　of　and　fed；　and　their　enemies　can't　get　them。
　
　They　looked　unhappy　to　Tracy。　She　wanted　to　open　their　cages　and　let　them　out。　l　wouldn't　ever　want　to　be　locked　up　like　that；　Tracy　thought。
　
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　At　8：45　the　warning　bell　rang　throughout　the　prison。　Tracy's　cell　mates　began　to　undress。　Tracy　did　not　move。
　
　Lola　said；　〃You　got　fifteen　minutes　to　get　ready　for　bed。〃
　
　The　women　had　stripped　and　put。on　nightgowns。　The　peroxided…blond　matron　passed　the　cell。　She　stopped　when　she　saw　Tracy　lying　on　her　cot。
　
　〃Get　undressed；〃　she　ordered。　She　turned　to　Ernestine。　〃Didn't　you　tell　her？〃
　
　〃Yeah。　We　tol'　her。〃
　
　The　matron　turned　back　to　Tracy。　〃We　got　a　way　of　takin'　care　of　troublemakers；〃　she　warned。　〃You　do　what　you're　told　here；　or　I'll　bust　your　ass。〃　The　matron　moved　down　the　hall。
　
　Paulita　cautioned；　〃You　better　listen　to　her；　baby。　Old　Iron　Pants　is　one　mean　bitch。〃
　
　Slowly；　Tracy　rose　and　began　to　undress；　keeping　her　back　to　the　others。　She　took　off　all　her　clothes；　with　the　exception　of　her　panties；　and　slipped　the　coarse　nightgown　over　her　head。　She　felt　the　eyes　of　the　other　women　on　her。
　
　〃You　got　a　real　nice　body；〃　Paulita　mented。
　
　〃Yeah；　real　nice；〃　Lola　echoed。
　
　Tracy　felt　a　shiver　go　through　her。
　
　Ernestine　moved　over　to　Tracy　and　looked　down　at　her。　〃We're　your　friends。　We　gonna　take　good　care　of　you。〃　Her　voice　was　hoarse　with　excitement。
　
　Tracy　wildly　jerked　around。　〃Leave　me　alone！　All　of　you。　I'm…　I'm　not　that　way。〃
　
　The　black　woman　chuckled。　〃You'll　be　any　way　we　want　you　to　be；　baby。〃
　
　〃Hay　tiempo。　There's　plenty　of　time。〃
　
　The　lights　went　out。
　
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　The　dark　was　Tracy's　enemy。　She　sat　on　the　edge　of　her　bunk；　her　body　tense。　She　could　sense　the　others　waiting　to　pounce　on　her。　Or　was　it　her　imagination？　She　was　so　overwrought　that　everything　seemed　to　be　a　threat。　Had　they　threatened　her？　Not　really。　They　were　probably　just　trying　to　be　friendly；　and　she　had　read　sinister　implications　into　their　overtures。　She　had　heard　about　homosexual　activity　in　prisons；　but　that　had　to　be　the　exception　rather　than　the　rule。　A　prison　would　not　permit　that　sort　of　behavior。
　
　Still；　there　was　a　nagging　doubt。　She　decided　she　would　stay　awake　all　night。　If　one　of　them　made　a　move；　she　would　call　for　help。　It　was　the　responsibility　of　the　guards　to　see　that　nothing　happened　to　the　inmates。　She　reassured　herself　that　there　was　nothing　to　worry　about。　She　woul