rz.thehandofoberon-第8部分
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〃True。 One day when things have eased up。。。 Tell me； are you happy here in Amber？ Is everything to your liking？ Is there anything that you need？〃
She smiled。
〃All that I need is Random。 He is a good man。〃
I was strangely moved to hear her speak of him in this fashion。
〃Then I am happy for you；〃 I said。 And； 〃Younger； smaller。。。 he might have had it a bit rougher than the rest of us；〃 I went on。 〃Nothing quite as useless as another prince when there is already a crowd of them about。 I was as guilty as the rest。 Bleys and I once stranded him for two days on an islet to the south of here。。。〃
〃。。。 And Gérard went and got him when he learned of it；〃 she said。 〃Yes； he told me。 It must bother you if you remember it after all this time。〃
〃It must have made an impression on him； too。〃
〃No； he forgave you long ago。 He told it as a joke。 Also； he drove a spike through the heel of your boot … pierced your foot when you put it on。〃
〃Then it was Random！ I'll be damned！ I had always blamed Julian for that one。〃
〃That one bothers Random。〃
〃How long ago all of this was。。。〃 I said。
I shook my head and continued eating。 Hunger seized me and she gave me several minutes of silence in which to get the upper hand on it。 When I had； I felt pelled to say something。
〃That is better。 Much better；〃 I began。 〃It was a peculiar and trying night that I spent in the skycity。〃
〃Did you receive omens of a useful nature？〃
〃I do not know how useful they might prove。 On the other hand； I suppose I'd rather have had them than not。 Have there been any interesting happenings hereabouts？〃
〃A servant tells me your brother Brand continues to rally。 He ate well this morning； which is encouraging。〃
〃True；〃 I said。 〃True。 It would seem he is out of danger。〃
〃Likely。 It … it is a terrible series of happenings to which you have all been subjected。 I am sorry。 I was hoping you might obtain some indication of an upturn in your affairs during the night you spent in Tir…na Nog'th。〃
〃It does not matter；〃 I said。 〃I am not that sure of the value of the thing。〃
〃Then why … Oh。〃
I studied her with renewed interest。 Her face still betrayed nothing； but her right hand twitched； tapping and plucking at the material of the divan。 Then； as with a sudden awareness of its eloquence； she stilled it。 She was obviously a person who had answered her own question and wished now she had done it in silence。
〃Yes；〃 I said； 〃I was stalling。 You are aware of my injury。〃
She nodded。
〃I am not angry with Random for having told you；〃 I said。 〃His judgment has always been acute and geared to defense。 I see no reason not to rely on it myself。 I must inquire as to how much he has told you； however； both for your own safety and my peace of mind。 For there are things I suspect but have not yet spoken。〃
〃I understand。 It is difficult to assess a negative … the things he might have left out； I mean … but he tells me most things。 I know your story and most of the others。 He keeps me aware of events； suspicions； conjectures。〃
〃Thank you；〃 I said； taking a sip of the wine。 〃It makes it easier for me to speak then； seeing how things are with you。 I am going to tell you everything that happened from breakfast till now。。。〃
So I did。
She smiled occasionally as I spoke； but she did not interrupt。 When I had finished； she asked； 〃You thought that mention of Martin would upset me？〃
〃It seemed possible；〃 I told her。
〃No；〃 she said。 〃You see； I knew Martin in Rebma； when he was but a small boy。 I was there while he was growing up。 I liked him then。 Even if he were not Random's son he would still be dear to me。 I can only be pleased with Random's concern and hope that it has e in time to benefit them both。〃
I shook my head。
〃I do not meet people like you too often；〃 I said。 〃I am glad that I finally have。〃
She laughed； then said； 〃You were without sight for a long while。〃
〃Yes。〃
〃It can embitter a person； or it can give him a greater joy in those things which he does have。〃
I did not have to think back over my feelings from those days of blindness to know that I was a person of the first sort； even discounting the circumstances under which I had suffered it。 I am sorry； but that is the way that I am； and I am sorry。
〃True；〃 I said。 〃You are fortunate。〃
〃It is really only a state of mind … a thing a Lord of Shadow can easily appreciate。〃
She rose。
〃I have always wondered as to your appearance；〃 she said。 〃Random has described you； but that is different。 May I？〃
〃Of course。〃
She approached and placed her finger tips upon my face。 Delicately； she traced my features。
〃Yes；〃 she said； 〃you are much as I had thought you would be。 And I feel the tension in you。 It has been there for a long while； has it not？〃
〃In some form or other； I suppose； ever since my return to Amber。〃
〃I wonder；〃 she said； 〃whether you might have been happier before you regained your memory。〃
〃It is one of those impossible questions；〃 I said。 〃I might also be dead if I had not。 But putting that part aside for a moment； in those times there was still a thing that drove me； that troubled me every day。 I was constantly looking for ways to discover who I really was； what I was。〃
〃But were you happier； or less happy； than you are now？〃
〃Neither；〃 I said。 〃Things balance out。 It is； as you suggested； a state of mind。 And even if it were not so； I could never go back to that other life； now that I know who I am； now that I have found Amber。〃
〃Why not？〃
〃Why do you ask me these things？〃
〃I want to understand you；〃 she said。 〃Ever since I first heard of you back in Rebma； even before Random told me stories； I wondered what it was that drove you。 Now I've the opportunity … no right； of course； just the opportunity … I felt it worth speaking out of turn and order beyond my station simply to ask you。〃
A half…chuckle caught me。
〃Fairly taken；〃 I said。 〃I will see whether I can be honest。 Hatred drove me at first … hatred for my brother Eric … and my desire for the throne。 Had you asked me on my return which was the stronger； I would have said that it was the summons of the throne。 Now； though。。。 now I would have to admit that it was actually the other way around。 I had not realized it until this moment； but it is true。 But Eric is dead and there is nothing left of what I felt then。 The throne remains； but now I find that my feelings toward it are mixed。 There is a possibility that none of us has a right to it under present circumstances； and even if all family objections were removed I would not take it at this time。 I would have to see stability restored to the realm and a number of questions answered first。〃
〃Even if these things showed that you may not have the throne？〃
〃Even so。〃
〃Then I begin to understand。〃
〃What？ What is there to understand？〃
〃Lord Corwin； my knowledge of the philosophical basis of these things is limited； but it is my understanding that you are able to find anything you wish within Shadow。 This has troubled me for a long while； and I never fully understood Random's explanations。 If you wished； could not each of you walk in Shadow and find yourself another Amber … like this one in all respects； save that you ruled there or enjoyed whatever other status you might desire？〃
〃Yes； we can locate such places；〃 I said。
〃Then why is this not done； to have an end of strife？〃
〃It is because a place could be found which seemed to be the same … but that would be all。 We are a part of this Amber as surely as it is a part of us。 Any shadow of Amber would have to be populated with shadows of ourselves to seem worth while。 We could even except the shadow of our own person should we choose to move into a ready realm。 However； the shadow folk would not be exactly like the other people here。 A shadow is never precisely like that which casts it。 These little differences add up。 They are actually worse than major ones。 It would amount to entering a nation of strangers。 The best mundane parison which occurs to me is an encounter with a person who strongly resembles another person you know。 You keep expecting him to act like your acquaintance； worse yet； you have a tendency to act toward him as you would toward that other。 You face him with a certain mask and his responses are not appropriate。 It is an unfortable feeling。 I never enjoy meeting people who remind me of other people。 Personality is the one thing we cannot control in our manipulations of Shadow。 In fact； it is the means by which we can tell one another from shadows of ourselves。 This is why Flora could not decide about me for so long； back on the shadow Earth： my new personality was sufficiently different。〃
〃I begin to understand；〃 she said。 〃It is not just Amber for you。 It is the place plus everything else。〃
〃The place plus everything else。。。 That is Amber；〃 I agreed。
〃You say that your hate died with Eric and your desire for the throne has been tempered by the consideration of new things you have learned。〃
〃That is so。〃
〃Then I think I do understand what it is that moves you。〃
〃The desire for stability moves me；〃 I said； 〃and something of curiosity … and revenge on our enemies。。。〃
〃Duty；〃 she said。 〃Of course。〃
I snorted。
〃It would be forting to put such a face on it；〃 I said。 〃As it is； however； I will not be a hypocrite。 I am hardly a dutiful son of Amber or of Oberon。〃
〃Your voice makes it plain that you do not wish to be considered one。〃
I closed my eyes； closed them to join her in darkness； to recall for a brief while the world where other messages than light waves took precedence。 I knew then that she had been right about my voice。 Why had I trodden so heavily on the idea of duty as soon as it was suggested？ I like credit for being good and clean and noble and high…minded when I have it ing； even sometimes when I do not … the same as the next person。 What bothered me about the notion of duty to Amber？ Nothing。 What was it then？
Dad。
I no longer owed him anything； least of all duty。 Ultimately； he was responsible for the present state of affairs。 He had fathered a great brood of us without providing for a proper succession； he had been less than kind to all of our mothers and he then expected
