pzb.lostsouls-第38部分

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nse　of　selfness　had　deserted　him。　The　feeling　of　Ann's　body　beneath　him；　bucking　and　struggling　against　him；　was　remote　as　a　figure　on　a　movie　screen。　In　fact；　the　whole　thing　was　like　a　movie；　watching　a　badly　faked　snuff　film　might　have　given　him　the　same　sense　of　mild；　free…floating　disgust。
　　The　shame　and　horror　at　what　he　had　done　hadn't　hit　him　until；　driving　home；　he　had　looked　at　his　hand　on　the　steering　wheel　and　seen　the　mark　of　Ann's　teeth。　Tiny　beads　of　blood　were　welling　up　from　the　imprint；　which　circled　the　base　of　his　thumb。　What　had　he　done　to　make　her　bite　him　that　hard？
　　Get　home；　his　mind　had　chanted。　Get　home；　to　Ghost。　Just　get　there　and　you'll　be　okay。　He　had。　They　hadn't　talked　much；　but　Ghost　had　sat　up　with　him　until　he　could　sleep。
　　The　next　few　weeks　had　dragged　by。　He　missed　her；　he　ached　for　her；　he　hated　her；　he　pictured　her　making　wild　sweet　love　with　her　schoolteacher　boyfriend。　He　called　her　house　and　hung　up　twice。　Then　one　time　her　father　answered；　and　he　worked　up　his　courage　and　asked　to　talk　to　her。　Surely　she　wouldn't　have　told　her　father　what　he　had　done。　But　Simon　only　informed　him　in　accents　more　clipped　than　usual　that　Steve　was　not　to　try　to　see　Ann；　telephone　her；　or　municate　in　any　way。　This　was　the　only　warning；　Simon　told　him。　On　his　second　attempt　Steve　would　be　disposed　of。
　　Arguing　with　Simon　Bransby　was　like　smoking　a　big　joint　of　killer　grass　and　then　trying　to　take　an　exam　in　Nietzschean　philosophy　or　organic　chemistry。　You　had　no　idea　what　made　sense　and　what　was　bullshit；　Simon　bombarded　you　with　words　faster　than　you　could　sort　them　out。　Steve　had　hung　up　again。
　　He　had　not　seen　Ann　since　then。　Until　now。　He　was　very　high　and　more　than　a　little　drunk；　and　here　she　stood　before　him；　e　to　see　him　and　Ghost　play　at　the　Sacred　Yew。　A　few　minutes　ago　he　had　been　thinking　about　getting　her　name　tattooed　on　his　arm。
　　The　crack　in　her　eyes　closed；　and　she　smiled　what　Steve　recognized　as　her　most　guarded　smile。　〃Hey；　Steve。　How've　you　been？〃
　　Steve　wanted　to　grab　her；　to　bury　his　face　between　her　breasts　and　sob　for　all　those　lost　nights；　even　the　ones　that　had　ripped　both　their　souls　open。　He　wanted　to　wipe　that　fake　glossy　smile　off　her　face。　He　couldn't　stand　to　see　that　smile　on　the　lips　he　knew　so　well；　the　lips　he　had　nudged　open　with　his　tongue；　the　lips　that　had　brought　him　to　the　forbidden　zone　between　pleasure　and　madness。　The　betraying　lips。　Were　they　printed　with　the　kisses　of　the　teacher　from　Corinth？　He　wanted　them　for　himself；　wanted　to　reclaim　them。
　　But　even　as　drunk　as　he　was；　he　could　not。　To　do　that；　he　would　have　to　show　his　desperation。　He　would　have　to　apologize　or　cry　or　something。　Such　raw　openness；　with　its　possibility　of　scorn；　was　not　in　Steve。　Ghost　had　it；　but　Steve's　dark　eyes　hid　his　soul　as　Ghost's　pale　ones　never　could。　So　he
　　only　smiled　back；　as　easily　as　he　was　able；　and　offered　her　his　half…full　bottle。　〃Wanna　beer？〃
　　〃Natty　Boho；　huh？〃　she　said。　Steve　winced。　She　liked　Rolling　Rock；　he　knew　that。　But　her　voice　was　the　same　as　ever；　that　tender　voice　roughened　by　too　many　Camels；　with　the　hoarse　little　catch　in　it；　like　a　fingernail　on　a　jagged　piece　of　tin。
　　〃Uh；　yeah；〃　he　said。　Jesus。　Brilliant　repartee。
　　〃Oh　well。〃　She　took　a　swallow　and　managed　not　to　grimace。　〃Ghost　brought　me　a　copy　of　the　tape。　Oh；　wait；　did　he　tell　you　he　came　over？〃　Her　hands　played　nervously　with　the　tattered　veil　of　her　hat。　Obviously　she　didn't　want　to　get　Ghost　in　trouble。
　　〃Yeah；　he　told　me。〃　And　it　was　no　big　deal；　not　like　I　yelled　at　him　or　nearly　decked　him　or　anything　。　。　。
　　〃It　made　me　want　to　e　see　you　play　again。　I'm　glad　I　did。　That　was　a　damn　good　show；　Steve。　You　two　are　getting　too　good　for　this　town。〃
　　Terry　slid　off　his　bar　stool　and　hauled　R。J。　down　by　the　back　of　his　collar。　After　testing　his　balance；　R。J。　managed　to　remain　precariously　upright。　〃We'll　catch　you　later；　man；〃　said　Terry。　〃Hey；　here…you　want　these？〃　He　put　a　fresh　beer　in　Steve's　hand；　and　another　in　Ann's。　A　Rolling　Rock　and　a　Bud。　Before　Steve　had　a　chance　to　thank　him；　Terry　had　dragged　R。J。　off　through　the　crowd。
　　〃You　think　we're　too　good　for　Missing　Mile？〃　Steve　said。　Another　scintillating　reply。　Jeeesus　。　。　。
　　〃Yeah。　I　mean；　Kinsey's　great；　but　how　much　farther　can　you　go　playing　at　the　Sacred　Yew？　You　ought　to　take　it　on　the　road。　You　could　get　as　big　as　R。E。M。　or　somebody　like　that。　You　could　travel。　You　could　get　to　be　famous。〃
　　Steve　looked　at　the　beer　in　his　hand。　He　popped　it　open　and　drained　a　third　of　it　in　one　swallow。　Then　he　opened　his　mouth　to　answer　Ann；　and　what　came　out　was　〃You　really　want　me　out　of　town；　huh？　I　guess　your　boyfriend　over　in　Corinth　can　still　get　it　up　for　you。〃
　　OH；　JESUS。　He　hadn't　meant　to　say　that。　It　was　the　demon。　He　should　have　stuck　with　sparkling　wit　like　〃yeah〃　and　〃uh…huh。〃
　　But　it　was　too　late。　Ann's　face　had　snapped　shut；　her　eyes　hardened。　〃You　bastard；〃　she　said。　〃You　couldn't　wait；　you　couldn't　even　talk　to　me…〃
　　〃Listen…Ann…〃
　　〃Shut　up！　You　had　to　get　a　jab　in　right　away；　didn't　you？　Like　you　were　the　one　who　should　be　pissed　at　me。　Like　I　raped　you；　not　the　other　way　around！〃
　　〃Dammit；　shut　up　for　a　minute　〃
　　〃Shut　up？　Keep　my　voice　down　maybe？　That's　real　good；　Steve。　That's　so　good　you　can　shove　it　up　your　ass。〃　Now　she　was　turning　away。　She　thought　she　was　so　tough；　but　she　was　turning　away　to　hide　her　tears。　Before　he　could　reach　out　and　stop　her；　she　was　pushing　her　way　through　the　bar　crowd；　her　head　down；　making　for　the　door。　Steve　started　to　follow；　but　the　demon　spoke　up　again：　Wait　a　second。　She　started　all　this；　she　fucked　around　on　me。　What　the　hell　is　she　pissed　off　about？　Let　her　shove　it　up　her　own　ass。
　　He　turned　back　to　the　bar　and　met　the　cold　eyes　of　the　new　bartender；　who　must　have　seen　the　sordid　little　melodrama　from　the　beginning。　But　under　the　coldness　in　those　eyes　was　a　strange　sympathy；　a　look　of　solitude　and　wisdom。　The　bartender　raised　one　shoulder　in　a　tiny　shrug：　Such　is　life；　friend。　And　in　his　long　thin　hand　was　another　can　of　Budweiser；　cold　and　frosty　and　waiting　for　Steve　to　grab　it。
　　
　　Ghost　prowled　around　the　club　for　maybe　fifteen　minutes；　staying　in　the　shadows；　saying　hello　to　people　he　knew　but　not　stopping　to　talk　to　them。　Instead；　he　watched　Nothing。　Right　after　the　show　he　had　found　himself　wanting　to　talk　to　Nothing；　though　he　wasn't　sure　what　he　wished　to　say。　Maybe　only　to　offer　a　word　of　kinship。　To　say　I　can't　heal　your　pain；　but　I　can　see　it。　And　you　don't　have　to　be　lost。　Not　forever。　So　he　waited　and　hoped　that　Nothing　would　move　away　from　his　three　friends；　if　only　to　go　to　the　restroom　or　something。　But　they　huddled　in　a　tight　little　knot　passing　a　flask　with　a　Grateful　Dead　sticker　on　its　sideGhost　could　just　make　out　the　roses　and　the　grinning　skull。
　　The　two　larger　friends　laughed　a　lot　and　sloshed　the　liquor　in　their　mouths　before　they　swallowed　it。　But　Nothing　and　Zillah　were　quiet。　Zillah　always　seemed　to　have　his　hands　on　Nothing；　touching　the　sleeve　of　Nothing's　raincoat；　speaking　occasionally　（with　his　soft；　untorn　lips…but　Ghost　would　not　think　about　that；　not　now）　into　Nothing's　ear。　Leaning　in　close；　protective　or　predatory　or　both。　Zillah　probably　would　have　followed　Nothing　into　the　restroom。　Nothing　stood　silently；　looking　very　young　and　a　little　nervous；　his　face　lit　orange　by　the　glowing　eye　of　his　cigarette。
　　After　a　while　the　air　inside　the　club　began　to　press　on　Ghost's　face。　It　was　heavy　with　smoke　and　the　neon…bright　energy　of　the　kids。　A　girl　in　black　silk　shimmied　to　the　music　piping　over　the　PA　system。　A　boy　with　long　unruly　hair　played　air…guitar　furiously；　miming　a　Steve　Finn　lick　for　his　friends。　Other　kids　shouted　back　and　forth；　fluttering　hands　stamped　in　ink　with　the　many…boughed　Yggdrasilian　logo　of　the　club。　Ghost　passed　them　on　his　way　to　the　door。　His　head　swarmed　with　their　conversation　and　their　stray　thoughts。
　　Outside；　in　the　night；　the　air　felt　as　clear　and　hard…edged　as　slivers　of　ice。　Ghost　breathed　it　in　deep　and　blew　it　out。　Pale　steam　plumed　from　his　mouth　and　his　nostrils。　For　a　minute　he　stood　on　the　sidewalk　in　front　of　the　club；　his　hands　deep　in　the　pockets　of　his　army　jacket　fumbling　with　the　objects　he　found　there。　Rose　petals。　An　old　ace　of　spades　he　had　found　in　the　dead　grass　at　the　end　of　their　driveway；　water…marked　and　crusted　with　dirt。　A　guitar　pick；　the　lucky　one　Steve　had　given　him。　Then；　his　hands　still　in　his　pockets；　he　crossed　the　street　and　stood　in　the　middle　of　the　empty　block。
　　Missing　Mile　was　not　a　large　town；　but　it　was　big　enough　to　have　a　couple　of　run…down　areas。　The　Sacred　Yew　was　right　in　the　middle　of　one。　The　kids　didn't　care；　and　Kinsey　liked　the　cheap　rent。　Some　of　the　shop　windows　were　boarded　up　or　broken。　Ghost　stood　in　front　of　a　building　that　had　last　been　a　dress　shop。　Magic　Marker　signs　in　the　display　window　still　announced　GOING　OUT　OF　BUSINESS！　and　ALL　STOCK　75％　OFF！　and；　optimistically；　BEAT　XMAS　RUSH！
　　But　between　the　signs　the　window　was　soaped　in　great　cakey　swashes。　Looking　through　one　of　the　gaps；　Ghost　saw　a　pink　torso　splashed　with　moonlight　and　shadow。　Above　it；　a　smooth；　featureless　oval　of　a　head　gazed　back　into　the　dark　recesses　of　the　building。　A　mannequin；　left　behind　to　preside　over　ruin。
　　He　did　not　turn　when　Ann　came　silently　out　of　the　club；　her　hair　flying　like　a　banner　behind　her；　cold　tears　dripping　off　her　chin。　He　stood　looking　through　the　window　of　the　abandoned　dress　shop　for　a　long　time。　The　only　voice　in　his　head　was　his　own；　and　his　thoughts　drifted　like　the　clouds　up　by　the　moon。　Then；　sometime　later；　he　sensed　a　presence　behind　him。
　　When　he　turned；　Zillah　and　Nothing　were　across　the　street；　standing　by　the　club　door。　Zillah　was　still　for　a　moment　seeming　to　scent　the　cold　night　air。　Then　he　started　down　the　street；　walking　fast；　not　looking　back　at　Nothing。　Nothing　hurried　to　catch　up。
　　After　a　moment；　Ghost　followed　too。
　　
　　Christian　turned　away　from　the　rangy　guitarist　without　asking　him　to　pay　for　his　beer。　He　had　learned　to　know　when　a　customer　needed　a　drink　on　the　house。　The　boy　nodded　his　thanks　and　walked　away；　a