cpatricia.blacknotice-第42部分

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　　I　wanted　to　slap　her。
　　〃Anyway；　after　talking　with　the　Sanderses　for　a　while；　I　came　to　realize　they're　the　Jerry　Falwell　type　and　weren't　about　to　condone　a　lesbian　relationship。〃
　　〃I　wish　you　wouldn't　use　that　word：〃
　　〃Well；　that's　what　they　are。　Descended　from　the　Amazon　types　on　the　island　of　Lesbos　in　tile　Aegean　Sea；　off　the　coast　of　Turkey。　Turkish　women　have　so　much　hair。　You　ever　noticed？〃
　　〃You　ever　heard　of　Sappho？〃
　　〃Of　course　I've　heard　of　him；〃　Dorothy　said。
　　〃She　was　a　Lesbian　because　she　lived　on　Lesbos。　She　was　one　of　the　greatest　lyric　poets　in　antiquity。〃
　　〃Ha。　Nothing　poetic　about　some　of　these　body…pierced；　stocky　hockey　players　I　see。　And　of　course；　the　Sanderses　didn't　e　right　out　and　say　they　thought　Lucy　and　Jo　were　lesbians。　Their　reasoning　was　Jo　had　been　horribly　traumatized；　and　to　see　Lucy　would　bring　it　all　back。　It　was　too…　soon。　They　were　quite　emphatic　in　a　very　nice　way；　and　when　Lucy　showed　up；　they　were　very　kind　and　sympathetic　when　they　told　her。〃
　　I　passed　through　the　toll　plaza。
　　〃Unfortunately；　you　know　how　Lucy　is。　She　challenged　them。　She　said　she　didn't　believe　them；　and　got　pretty　loud　and　rude。　I　explained　to　the　Sanderses　that　she　was　just　very　upset　after　all　she'd　been　through。　They　were　very　patient　and　said　they'd　pray　for　her；　and　next　thing　I　knew　a　nurse　told　Lucy　she　had　to　leave。
　　〃She　stormed　out；〃　my　sister　said。　She　looked　over　at　me　to　add；　〃Of　course；　mad　at　you　or　not；　she'll　e　looking　for　you；　just　like　she　always　does。〃
　　〃How　could　you　do　that　to　her？〃　I　asked。　〃How　could　you　get　between　her　and　Jo？　What　kind　of　person　are　you？〃
　　Dorothy　was　taken　aback。　I　could　feel　her　bristle。
　　〃You've　always　been　so　jealous　of　me　because　you're　not　her　mother；〃　she　answered。
　　I　turned　off　on　the　Meadow　Street　exit　instead　of　keeping　on　toward　home。
　　〃Why　don't　we　just　settle　this　once　and　for　all；〃　Dorothy　and　her　stingers　said。　〃You're　nothing　but　a　machine；　a　puter；　one　of　those　high…tech　instruments　you　love　so　much。　And　one　has　to　ask　what's　wrong　with　a　person　who　chooses　to　spend　all　her　time　with　dead　people。　Refrigerated；　stinky；　rotting　dead　people；　most　of　them　low…lifes　to　begin　with。〃
　　I　got　on　the　Downtown　Expressway　again；　heading　back　downtown。
　　〃Versus　me；　I　believe　in　relationships。　I　spend　my　time　in　creative　pursuits；　in　reflection　and　relationships；　and　I　believe　our　bodies　are　our　temples　and　we　should　take　care　of　them　and　be　proud　of　them。　Look　at　you。〃　She　paused　for　effect。　〃You　smoke；　you　drink；　you　don't　even　belong　to　a　gym；　I　bet。　Don't　ask　me　why　you're　not　fat　and　flabby；　unless　it's　cutting　through　all　those　ribs　and　running　around　crime　scenes　or　being　on　your　feet　all　day　in　a　goddamn　morgue。　But　let's　get　to　what　the　worst　thing　is。〃
　　She　leaned　close　to　me；　her　vodka　breath　an　unpleasant　vapor。
　　〃Fasten　your　shoulder　harness；　Dorothy；〃　I　quietly　said。
　　〃What　you've　done　to　my　daughter。　My　only　child。　You　never　had　a　child　because　you've　always　been　too　busy。　So　you　took　mine；〃　she　blasted　me　with　her　boozy　breath。　〃I　should　have　never；　never；　ever　let　her　visit　you。　Where　was　my　brain　when　I　let　her　stay　summers　with　you？〃
　　She　dramatically　clutched　her　head　in　both　hands。
　　〃You　filled　her　with　all　this　guns　and　ammo　and　crimesolving　shit！　You　turned　her　into　a　fucking　little　puter　nerd　by　the　time　she　was　ten；　when　little　girls　should　be　going　to　birthday　parties　and　riding　'ponies　and　making　friends！〃
　　I　let　her　rail　on；　paying　attention　to　the　road。
　　〃You　exposed　her　to　a　big；　ugly　redneck　cop；　and　let's　face　it。　He's　really　your　only　close　relationship　with　a　man。　I　hope　like　hell　you　don't　sleep　with　a　pig　like　that。　And　I　have　to　tell　you；　as　sorry　as　I　am　about　what　happened　to　Benton；　he　was　weak。　Not　enough　sap　in　that　tree；　oh　no。　No　yolk　in　that　egg。
　　〃Huh。　You　were　the　man　in　that　relationship；　Miss　doctor…lawyer…chief。　I've　told　you　before　and　I'll　tell　you　again；　you're　nothing　but　a　man；　with　big　tits。　You　fool　everybody　because　you　look　so　elegant　in　your　Ralph　Lauren　and　ritzy…titzy　car。　You　think　you're　so　fucking　sexy　with　those　big　tits；　always　making　me　feel　something's　wrong　with　me　and　making　fun　of　me　when　I　ordered　Mark　Eden　and　all　those　other　contraptions。　And　remember　what　Mother　said？
　　〃She　gave　me　a　photograph　of　a　man's　hairy　hand　and　said；　〃That's　what　makes　a　woman's　breasts　get　big。〃'
　　〃You're　drunk；〃　I　said。
　　〃We　were　teenagers　and　you　made　fun　of　me！〃
　　〃I　never　made　fun　of　you〃
　　〃You　made　me　feel　stupid　and　ugly。　And　you　had　this　blond　hair　and　a　chest　and　all　the　boys　talked　about　you。　Especially　since　you　were　smart；　too。　Oh；　you've　always　thought　you're　so　fucking　smart　because　I　couldn't　do　anything　but　English。〃
　　〃Stop　it；　Dorothy。〃
　　〃I　hate　you。〃
　　〃No；　you　don't；　Dorothy。〃
　　〃But　you　don't　fool　me。　Oh；　no。〃
　　She　shook　her　head　from　side　to　side；　wagging　her　finger　in　my　face。
　　〃Oh；　no。　You　can't　fool　me。　I've　always　suspected　the　truth　about　you。〃
　　I　was　parked　in　front　of　the　Berkeley　Hotel；　and　she　didn't　even　notice。　She　was　screaming；　…tears　streaming　down　her　face。
　　〃You're　a　closet　diesel　dyke；〃　she　said　hatefully。　〃And　you　turned　my　daughter　into　one！　And　now　she　almost　gets　killed　and　she　thinks　I'm　lower　than　a　sewer！〃
　　〃Why　don't　you　go　inside　your　hotel　and　get　some　sleep；〃　I　said　to　her。
　　She　wiped　her　eyes　and　looked　out　the　window；　surprised　to　see　her　hotel；　as　if　it　were　a　spaceship　that　had　silently　landed。
　　〃I'm　not　dumping　you　out　on　the　roadside；　Dorothy。　But　right　now　I　think　it's　best　we're　not　together。〃
　　She　sniffled；　her　rage　fading　like　fireworks　in　the　night。　〃I'll　get　you　to　your　room；〃　I　said。
　　She　shook　her　head；　her　hands　motionless　in　her　lap；　tears　sliding　down　her　miserable　face。
　　〃She　didn't　want　to　see　me；〃　she　said　in　a　voice　as　quiet　as　a　breath。　〃The　minute　I　came　off　the　elevator　in　that　hospital；　she　looked　as　if　someone　had　just　spat　on　her　food。〃
　　A　group　of　people　were　walking　out　of　the　Tobacco　pany。　I　recognized　the　men　who　had　been　at　Dorothy's　table。　They　were　walking　unsteadily　and　laughing　too　loudly。
　　〃She's　always　wanted　to　be　just　like　you；　Kay。　Do　you　have　any　idea　how　that　feels？〃　she　cried。　〃I'm　a　somebody；　too。　Why　can't　she　want　to　be　like　me？〃
　　She　suddenly　moved　over　and　hugged　me。　She　cried　into　my　neck；　sobbing；　shaking。　I　wanted　to　love　her。　But　I　didn't。　I　never　had。
　　〃I　want　her　to　adore　me；　too！〃　she　exclaimed；　carried　away　by　emotion　and　alcohol　and　her　own　addiction　to　drama。　〃I　want　her　to　admire　me；　too！　I　want　her　to　brag　about　me　like　she　does　you！　I　want　her　to　think　I'm　brilliant　and　strong；　that　everyone　turns　around　and　looks　at　me　when　I　walk　into　a　room。　I　want　her　to　think　and　say　all　those　things…she　thinks　and　says　about　you！　I　want　her　to　ask　my　advice　and　want　to　grow　up　to　be　just　like　me。〃
　　I　put　the　car　in　gear　and　drove　up　to　the　entrance　of　the　hotel。
　　〃Dorothy；〃　I　said；　〃you're　the　most　selfish　person　I've　ever　known。〃
　　
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　　It　was　almost　nine　o'clock　by　the　time　I　got　home；　and　I　worried　that　I　should　have　brought　Dorothy　with　me　instead　of　leaving　her　at　the　hotel。　I　wouldn't　have　been　the　least　bit　surprised　if　she　had　gone　right　back　across　the　street　to　the　bar。　Maybe　there　were　a　few　lonely　men　left　she　could　amuse。
　　I　checked　my　telephone　messages；　annoyed　by　hangups。　There　were　seven　of　them；　and　caller…m　read　unavailable　each　time。　Reporters　didn't　like　to　leave　messages；　even　at　my　office；　because　it　gave　me　the　option　of　not　calling　them　back。　I　heard　a　car　door　shut　in　the　driveway　and　almost　wondered　if　it　were　Dorothy；　but　when　I　checked；　a　yellow　taxi　was　driving　away　as　Lucy　rang　the　bell。
　　She　was　carrying　one　small　suitcase　and　a　tote　bag　and　dropped　them　in　the　foyer；　shoving　the　door　shut　without　hugging　me。　Her　left　cheek　was　one　dark　purple　bruise；　and　several　smaller　ones　were　beginning　to　turn　yellow　at　the　edges。　I　had　seen　enough　injuries　like　that　to　know　she　had　been　punched。
　　〃I　hate　her；〃　she　started　in；　glaring　at　me　as　if　I　were　to　blame。　〃Who　told　her　to　e　here？　Was　it　you？〃
　　〃You　know　I　would　never　do　something　like　that：'　I　said。
　　〃e　on。　Let's　talk。　We　have　so　much　talking　to　do。　My　God；　I　was　beginning　to　think　I　was　never　going　to　see　you　again。〃
　　I　sat　her　in　front　of　the　fire　and　tossed　in　another　log。　Lucy　looked　awful。　She　had　dark　circles　under　her　eyes；　her　jeans　and　sweater　were　hanging　off　her；　her　reddishbrown　hair　was　falling　over　her　face。　She　propped　a　foot　up　on　my　coffee　table。　Velcro　ripped　as　she　took　off　her　ankle　holster　and　gun。
　　〃You　got　anything　to　drink　in　this　house？〃　she　asked。　〃Some　bourbon　or　something？　There　was　no　damn　heat　in　the　back　of　the　taxi　and　the　window　wouldn't　close。　I'm　frozen。　Look　at　my　hands。〃
　　She　held　them　out。　The　nails　were　blue。　I　took　both　of　them　in　mine　and　held　them　tight。　I　moved　closer　to　her　on　the　couch　and　put　my　arms　around　her　again。　She　felt　so　thin。
　　〃What　happened　to　all　that　muscle？〃　I　tried　to　be　funny。
　　〃I　haven't　had　much　food　。　。　：〃　She　stared　into　the　fire。
　　〃They　don't　have　food　in　Miami？〃
　　She　wouldn't　smile。
　　〃Why　did　Mother　have　to　e？　Why　can't　she　just　leave　me　alone？　All　my　life　she　doesn't　do　a　goddamn　fucking　thing　except　subject　me　to　all　her　men；　men；　men；〃　she　said。　〃Parade　herself　around　with　all　these　dicks　fawning　over　her　while　I　had　nobody。　Hell；　they　had　nobody；　either；　and　didn't　even　know　it。〃
　　〃You've　always　had　me。〃
　　She　shoved　her　hair　out　of　her　eyes　and　didn't　seem　to　hear　me。
　　〃You　know　what　she　did　at　the　hospital？〃
　　〃How　did　she　know　where　to　find　you？〃　I　had　to　have　that　question　answered　first；　and　Lucy　knew　why　I　asked　it。
　　〃Because　she's　my　birth　mother；〃　she　said　with　singsong　sarcasm。　〃So　she's　listed　on　various　forms　whether　I　like　it　or　not；　and　of　course　she　knows　who　Jo　is。　So　Mom　tracks　down　Jo's　parents　here　in　Richmond　and　finds　out　everything　because　she's　so　manipulative　and　people　always　think　she's　wonderful。　The　Sanderses　tell　her　where　Jo's　room'is　and　Mother　shows　up　at　the　hospital　this　morning　a