sk.everythingseventual-第86部分

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　　So　how　could　my　mother　still　be　alive？
　　'This？'　I　touched　it　with　the　ball　of　my　thumb；　even　polished　it　a　little。　'It's　my　good…luck　charm。'　The　lie　was　so　horrible　that　it　had　a　kind　of　splendor。　'I　got　it　when　I　was　there　with　my　mother；　a　long　time　ago。　She　took　me　on　the　Bullet。'
　　Yvonne　the　Information　Lady　smiled　as　if　this　were　the　sweetest　thing　she　had　ever　heard。　'Give　her　a　nice　hug　and　kiss；'　she　said。　'Seeing　you　will　send　her　off　to　sleep　better　than　any　of　the　pills　the　doctors　have。'　She　pointed。　'The　elevators　are　over　there；　around　the　corner。'
　　With　visiting　hours　over；　I　was　the　only　one　waiting　for　a　car。　There　was　a　litter…basket　off　to　the　left；　by　the　door　to　the　newsstand；　which　was　closed　and　dark。　I　tore　the　button　off　my　shirt　and　threw　it　in　the　basket。　Then　I　rubbed　my　hand　on　my　pants。　I　was　still　rubbing　it　when　one　of　the　elevator　doors　opened。　I　got　in　and　pushed　for　four。　The　car　began　to　rise。　Above　the　floor…buttons　was　a　poster　announcing　a　blood　drive　for　the　following　week。　As　I　read　it；　an　idea　came　to　me　。　。　。　except　it　wasn't　so　much　an　idea　as　a　certainty。　My　mother　was　dying　now；　at　this　very　second；　while　I　rode　up　to　her　floor　in　this　slow　industrial　elevator。　I　had　made　the　choice；　it　therefore　fell　to　me　to　find　her。　It　made　perfect　sense。
　　
　　The　elevator　door　opened　on　another　poster。　This　one　showed　a　cartoon　finger　pressed　to　big　red　cartoon　lips。　Beneath　it　was　a　line　reading　OUR　PATIENTS　APPRECIATE　YOUR　QUIET！　Beyond　the　elevator　lobby　was　a　corridor　going　right　and　left。　The　odd…numbered　rooms　were　to　the　left。　I　walked　down　that　way；　my　sneakers　seeming　to　gain　weight　with　every　step。　I　slowed　in　the　four…seventies；　then　stopped　entirely　between　481　and　483。　I　couldn't　do　this。　Sweat　as　cold　and　sticky　as　half…frozen　syrup　crept　out　of　my　hair　in　little　trickles。　My　stomach　was　knotted　up　like　a　fist　inside　a　slick　glove。　No；　I　couldn't　do　it。　Best　to　turn　around　and　skedaddle　like　the　cowardly　chicken…shit　I　was。　I'd　hitchhike　out　to　Harlow　and　call　Mrs。　McCurdy　in　the　morning。　Things　would　be　easier　to　face　in　the　morning。
　　I　started　to　turn；　and　then　a　nurse　poked　her　head　out　of　the　room　two　doors　up　。　。　。　my　mother's　room。　'Mr。　Parker？'　she　asked　in　a　low　voice。
　　For　a　wild　moment　I　almost　denied　it。　Then　I　nodded。
　　'e　in。　Hurry。　She's　going。'
　　They　were　the　words　I'd　expected；　but　they　still　sent　a　cramp　of　terror　through　me　and　buckled　my　knees。
　　The　nurse　saw　this　and　came　hurrying　toward　me；　her　skirt　rustling；　her　face　alarmed。　The　little　gold　pin　on　her　breast　read　ANNE　CORRIGAN。　'No；　no；　I　just　meant　the　sedative　she's　going　to　sleep。　Oh　my　God；　I'm　so　stupid。　She's　fine；　Mr。　Parker；　I　gave　her　her　Ambien　and　she's　going　to　sleep；　that's　all　I　meant。　You　aren't　going　to　faint；　are　you？'　She　took　my　arm。
　　'No；'　I　said；　not　knowing　if　I　was　going　to　faint　or　not。　The　world　was　swooping　and　there　was　a　buzzing　in　my　ears。　I　thought　of　how　the　road　had　leaped　toward　the　car；　a　black…and…white　movie　road　in　all　that　silver　moonlight。　Did　you　ride　the　Bullet？　Man；　I　rode　that　fucker　four　times。
　　Anne　Corrigan　led　me　into　the　room　and　I　saw　my　mother。　She　had　always　been　a　big　woman；　and　the　hospital　bed　was　small　and　narrow；　but　she　still　looked　almost　lost　in　it。　Her　hair；　now　more　gray　than　black；　was　spilled　across　the　pillow。　Her　hands　lay　on　top　of　the　sheet　like　a　child's　hands；　or　even　a　doll's。　There　was　no　frozen　stroke…sneer　such　as　the　one　I'd　imagined　on　her　face；　but　her　plexion　was　yellow。　Her　eyes　were　closed；　but　when　the　nurse　beside　me　murmured　her　name；　they　opened。　They　were　a　deep　and　iridescent　blue；　the　youngest　part　of　her；　and　perfectly　alive。　For　a　moment　they　looked　nowhere；　and　then　they　found　me。　She　smiled　and　tried　to　hold　out　her　arms。　One　of　them　came　up。　The　other　trembled；　rose　a　little　bit；　then　fell　back。　'Al；'　she　whispered。
　　I　went　to　her；　starting　to　cry。　There　was　a　chair　by　the　wall；　but　I　didn't　bother　with　it。　I　knelt　on　the　floor　and　put　my　arms　around　her。　She　smelled　warm　and　clean。　I　kissed　her　temple；　her　cheek；　the　corner　of　her　mouth。　She　raised　her　good　hand　and　patted　her　fingers　under　one　of　my　eyes。
　　'Don't　cry；'　she　whispered。　'No　need　of　that。'
　　'I　came　as　soon　as　I　heard；'　I　said。　'Betsy　McCurdy　called。'
　　'Told　her　。　。　。　weekend；'　she　said。　'Said　the　weekend　would　be　fine。'
　　'Yeah；　and　to　hell　with　that；'　I　said；　and　hugged　her。
　　'Car　。　。　。　fixed？'
　　'No；'　I　said。　'I　hitchhiked。'
　　'Oh　gorry；'　she　said。　Each　word　was　clearly　an　effort　for　her；　but　they　weren't　slurred；　and　I　sensed　no　bewilderment　or　disorientation。　She　knew　who　she　was；　who　I　was；　where　we　were；　why　we　were　here。　The　only　sign　of　anything　wrong　was　her　weak　left　arm。　I　felt　an　enormous　sense　of　relief。　It　had　all　been　a　cruel　practical　joke　on　Staub's　part　。　。　。　or　perhaps　there　had　been　no　Staub；　perhaps　it　had　all　been　a　dream　after　all；　corny　as　that　might　be。　Now　that　I　was　here；　kneeling　by　her　bed　with　my　arms　around　her；　smelling　a　faint　remnant　of　her　Lanvin　perfume；　the　dream　idea　seemed　a　lot　more　plausible。
　　'Al？　There's　blood　on　your　collar。'　Her　eyes　rolled　closed；　then　came　slowly　open　again。　I　imagined　her　lids　must　feel　as　heavy　to　her　as　my　sneakers　had　to　me；　out　in　the　hall。
　　'I　bumped　my　head；　Ma；　it's　nothing。'
　　'Good。　Have　to　。　。　。　take　care　of　yourself。'　The　lids　came　down　again；　rose　even　more　slowly。
　　'Mr。　Parker；　I　think　we'd　better　let　her　sleep　now；'　the　nurse　said　from　behind　me。　'She's　had　an　extremely　difficult　day。'
　　'I　know。'　I　kissed　her　on　the　corner　of　the　mouth　again。　'I'm　going；　Ma；　but　I'll　be　back　tomorrow。'
　　'Don't　。　。　。　hitchhike　。　。　。　dangerous。'
　　'I　won't。　I'll　catch　a　ride　in　with　Mrs。　McCurdy。　You　get　some　sleep。'
　　'Sleep　。　。　。　all　I　do；'　she　said。　'I　was　at　work；　unloading　the　dishwasher。　I　came　over　all　headachy。　Fell　down。　Woke　up　。　。　。　here。'　She　looked　up　at　me。　'Was　a　stroke。　Doctor　says　。　。　。　not　too　bad。'
　　'You're　fine；'　I　said。　I　got　up；　then　took　her　hand。　The　skin　was　fine；　as　smooth　as　watered　silk。　An　old　person's　hand。
　　'I　dreamed　we　were　at　that　amusement　park　in　New　Hampshire；'　she　said。
　　I　looked　down　at　her；　feeling　my　skin　go　cold　all　over。　'Did　you？'
　　'Ayuh。　Waiting　in　line　for　the　one　that　goes　。　。　。　way　up　high。　Do　you　remember　that　one？'
　　'The　Bullet；'　I　said。　'I　remember　it；　Ma。'
　　'You　were　afraid　and　I　shouted。　Shouted　at　you。'
　　'No；　Ma；　you…'
　　Her　hand　squeezed　down　on　mine　and　the　corners　of　her　mouth　deepened　into　near…dimples。　It　was　a　ghost　of　her　old　impatient　expression。
　　'Yes；'　she　said。　'Shouted　and　swatted　you。　Back　。　。　。　of　the　neck；　wasn't　it？'
　　'Probably；　yeah；'　I　said；　giving　up。　'That's　mostly　where　you　gave　it　to　me。'
　　'Shouldn't　have；'　she　said。　'It　was　hot　and　I　was　tired；　but　still　。　。　。　shouldn't　have。　Wanted　to　tell　you　I　was　sorry。'
　　My　eyes　started　leaking　again。　'It's　all　right；　Ma。　That　was　a　long　time　ago。'
　　'You　never　got　your　ride；'　she　whispered。
　　'I　did；　though；'　I　said。　'In　the　end　I　did。'
　　She　smiled　up　at　me。　She　looked　small　and　weak；　miles　from　the　angry；　sweaty；　muscular　woman　who　had　yelled　at　me　when　we　finally　got　to　the　head　of　the　line；　yelled　and　then　whacked　me　across　the　nape　of　the　neck。　She　must　have　seen　something　on　someone's　face…one　of　the　other　people　waiting　to　ride　the　Bullet…because　I　remember　her　saying　What　are　you　looking　at；　beautiful？　as　she　led　me　away　by　the　hand；　me　snivelling　under　the　hot　summer　sun；　rubbing　the　back　of　my　neck　。　。　。　only　it　didn't　really　hurt；　she　hadn't　swatted　me　that　hard；　mostly　what　I　remember　was　being　grateful　to　get　away　from　that　high；　twirling　construction　with　the　capsules　at　either　end；　that　revolving　scream　machine。
　　'Mr。　Parker；　it　really　is　time　to　go；'　the　nurse　said。
　　I　raised　my　mother's　hand　and　kissed　the　knuckles。　'I'll　see　you　tomorrow；'　I　said。　'I　love　you；　Ma。'
　　'Love　you；　too。　Alan　。　。　。　sorry　for　all　the　times　I　swatted　you。　That　was　no　way　to　be。'
　　But　it　had　been；　it　had　been　her　way　to　be。　I　didn't　know　how　to　tell　her　I　knew　that；　accepted　it。　It　was　part　of　our　family　secret；　something　whispered　along　the　nerve…endings。
　　'I'll　see　you　tomorrow；　Ma。　Okay？'
　　She　didn't　answer。　Her　eyes　had　rolled　shut　again；　and　this　time　the　lids　didn't　e　back　up。　Her　chest　rose　and　fell　slowly　and　regularly。　I　backed　away　from　the　bed；　never　taking　my　eyes　off　her。
　　In　the　hall　I　said　to　the　nurse；　'Is　she　going　to　be　all　right？　Really　all　right？'
　　'No　one　can　say　that　for　sure；　Mr。　Parker。　She's　Dr。　Nunnally's　patient。　He's　very　good。　He'll　be　on　the　floor　tomorrow　afternoon　and　you　can　ask　him…'
　　'Tell　me　what　you　think。'
　　'I　think　she's　going　to　be　fine；'　the　nurse　said；　leading　me　back　down　the　hall　toward　the　elevator　lobby。　'Her　vital　signs　are　strong；　and　all　the　residual　effects　suggest　a　very　light　stroke。'　She　frowned　a　little。　'She's　going　to　have　to　make　some　changes；　of　course。　In　her　diet　。　。　。　her　lifestyle　。　。　。'
　　'Her　smoking；　you　mean。'
　　'Oh　yes。　That　has　to　go。'　She　said　it　as　if　my　mother　quitting　her　lifetime　habit　would　be　no　more　difficult　than　moving　a　vase　from　a　table　in　the　living　room　to　one　in　the　hall。　I　pushed　the　button　for　the　elevators；　and　the　door　of　the　car　I'd　ridden　up　in　opened　at　once。　Things　clearly　slowed　down　a　lot　at　CMMC　once　visiting　hours　were　over。
　　'Thanks　for　everything；'　I　said。
　　'Not　at　all。　I'm　sorry　I　scared　you。　What　I　said　was　incredibly　stupid。'
　　'Not　at　all；'　I　said；　although　I　agreed　with　her。　'Don't　mention　it。'
　　I　got　into　the　elevator　and　pushed　for　the　lobby。　The　nurse　raised　her　hand　and　twiddled　her　fingers。　I　twiddled　my　own　in　return；　and　then　the　door　slid　between　us。　The　car　started　down。　I　looked　at　the　fingernail　marks　on　the　backs　of　my　hands　and　thought　that　I　was　an　awful　creature；　the　lowest　of　the　low。　Even　if　it　had　only　been　a　dream；　I　was　the　lowest　of　the　goddam　low。　Take　her；　I'd　said。　She　was　my　mother　but　I　had　said　it　just　the　same：　Take　my　Ma；　don't　take　me。　She　had　raised　me；　worked　overtime　for　me；　waited　in　line　with　me　under　the　hot　summer　sun　in　a　dusty　little　New　Hamps