the darrow enigma-第13部分

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the　suffering　I　endured　upon　that　journey。　　For　the　first　time　since
my　terrible　desertion　I　had　an　opportunity　to　think；　and　I　did　think；
if　the　pulse　of　an　overwhelming　pain；　perpetually　recurring　like　the
beat　of　a　loaded　wheel；　can　be　called　thought。　　Although　there　is
no　insanity　in　our　family　nearer　than　a　great…uncle；　I　marvel　that
I　retained　my　wits　under　this　terrible　blow。　　I　seriously
contemplated　suicide；　and　probably　should　have　taken　my　life　had　not
my　mental　condition　gradually　undergone　a　change。　　I　was　no　longer
conscious　of　suffering；　nor　of　a　desire　to　end　my　life。　　I　was
simply　indifferent。　　It　was　all　one　to　me　whether　I　lived　or　died。
The　power　of　loving　or　caring　for　anything　or　anybody　had　entirely
left　me；　and　when　I　would　reflect　how　utterly　indifferent　I　was　even
to　my　own　father　and　mother；　I　would　regard　myself　as　an　unnatural
monster。　　I　tried　to　conceal　my　lack　of　affection　by　a　greater
attention　to　their　wishes；　and　it　was　in　this　way　that　I　yielded；
without　remonstrance；　to　those　same　views　regarding　my　marriage；
to　which；　but　a　little　while　before；　I　had　made　such　strenuous
objections　as　to　quite　enrage　my　father。　　I　was　an　only　child；　and
（as　often　happens　in　such　cases）　my　father　never　could　be　brought
to　realise　that　I　had　many　years　since　attained　my　majority。　　It
had　been　his　wish；　ever　since　my　boyhood；　that　I　should　marry　your
mother；　and　he　made　use；　when　I　was　nearly　forty；　of　the　selfsame
insistent　and　coercive　methods　with　which　he　had　sought　to　subdue　my
will　when　I　was　but　twenty；　and　at　last　he　attained　his　end。　　I　had
learned　from　friends　in　Bombay　that　not　only　had　Rama　Ragobah
recovered　from　the　blows　I　had　given　him；　but　that；　shortly　after　my
encounter　with　him；　he　had　married　Lona；　she　whom　I　had　loved；　God
only　knows　how　madly！　　It　was　all　one　to　me　now　whether　I　was
married　or　single；　living　or　dead。　　So　it　was　all　arranged。　　I
myself　told　the　lady　that；　so　far　as　I　then　understood　my　feelings；
I　had　no　affection　for　any　person　on　earth；　but　it　seemed　only　to
pique　her；　and　I　think　she　determined　then　and　there　to　make　herself
an　exception　to　this　universal　rule。　　This　is　how　I　came　to　marry
your　mother。　　There　was　not　the　slightest　community　of　thought；
sentiment；　or　interest　between　us。　　The　things　I　liked　did　not
interest　her；　what　she　liked　bored　me；　yet　she　was　pre…eminently　a
sensible　woman；　and　when　she　learned　the　real　state　of　affairs　was
the　first　to　suggest　a　separation；　which　was　effected。　　We　parted
with　the　kindliest　feelings；　and；　as　you　know；　remained　fast　friends
up　to　her
death。

It　was　nearly　a　year　after　the　affair　on　Malabar　Hill　before　I　had
the　heart　to　return　with　your　mother　to　Bombay。　　I　had　thought　all
emotion　forever　dead　within　me；　but；　ah！　　how　little　do　we　understand
ourselves。　　Twelve　months　had　not　passed；　and　already　I　was　conscious
of　a　vague　ache　…　a　feeling　that　something；　I　scarcely　knew　what；　had
gone　wrong；　so　terribly　wrong！　　I　told　myself　that　I　was　now　married；
and　had　a　duty　both　to　my　wife　and　society；　and　I　tried　hard　to
ignore　the　ache；　on　the　one　hand；　and　not　to　permit　myself　to　define
and　analyse　it　on　the　other。　　But　a　man　does　not　have　to　understand
anatomy　in　order　to　break　his　heart；　and　so　my　longing　defined　itself
even　by　itself。　　The　old　fire；　built　on　a　virgin　hearth；　was　far
from　out。　　Society　had　heaped　a　mouthful　of　conventional　ashes　upon
it；　but　they　had　served　only　to　preserve　it。　　From　the　fiat　of　the
human　heart　there　is　no　court　of　appeal。

One　night；　to　my　utter　amazement；　I　received　a　letter　from　Lona　which
you　will　find　filed　away　among　my　other　valuable　documents。

It　was　addressed　in　her　own　quaint　little　hand；　and　I　trembled
violently　as　I　opened　the　envelope。　　It　was　but　a　brief　note；　and
ran　as　follows：

〃I　am　dying；　and　have　much　to　explain　before　I　go。　　Be　generous；
and　do　not　think　too　harshly　of　me。　　Suspend　your　judgment　until
I　have　spoken。　　You　must　come　by　stealth；　or　you　will　not　be
permitted　to　see　me。　　Follow　my　directions　carefully　and　you　will
have　no　trouble　in　reaching　me。　　Go　at　once　to　the　cave　on　Malabar
Hill；　whistle　thrice；　and　one　will　appear　who　will　conduct　you
safely　to　me。　　Follow　him；　and　whatever　happens；　make　no　noise。
Do　not　delay　…　I　can　last　but　little　longer。
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　〃LONA。〃

I　did　not　even　pause　to　re…read　the　letter；　or　to　ask　why　it　was
necessary　to　follow　such　singular　directions　in　order　to　be　led　to
her。　　I　simply　knew　she　had　written　to　me；　that　she　was　dying；　that
she　wanted　me；　that　was　all；　but　it　was　enough。　　Dazed；　filled　with
a　strange　mixture　of　dread　and　yearning；　I　hurried　to　the　cave。　　It
was　already　night　when　I　reached　it　…　just　such　a　moonlit　night　as
that　on　which；　nearly　a　year　before；　Lona　and　I　had　planned　our
elopement；　and　now　that　heart；　which　then　had　beaten　so　wildly
against　mine；　was　slowly　throbbing　itself　into　eternal　silence；
　…　and　I　…　I　had　been　more　than　dead　ever　since。

I　looked　about　on　all　sides；　but　no　human　being　was　visible。　　I
whistled　thrice；　but　no　sound　came　in　response。　　Again　I　whistled；
with　the　same　result。　　Where　was　my　guide？　　Perhaps　he　was　in　the
cave　and　had　not　heard　me。　　I　entered　it　to　see；　but　had　barely
passed　the　narrow　portal　when　a　voice　said　close　behind　me：　〃Did
you　whistle；　Sahib？〃　　The　suddenness；　the　strangeness　of　this
uncanny　appearance；　so　close　to　me　that　I　felt　the　breath　of　the
words　upon　my　neck；　sent　a　chill　over　me。　　I　shall　never　forget　that
feeling！　　Many　times　since　then　have　I　dreamt　of　a　hand　that　struck
me　from　out　the　darkness；　while　the　same　unspeakable　dread　froze　up
my　life；　until；　by　repetition；　it　has　sunk　deep　into　my　soul　with
the　weight　of　a　positive　conviction。　　I　know；　as　I　now　write；　that
this　will　be　my　end；　and　his　will　be　the　hand　that　strikes。　　The
fibre　of　our　lives　is　twisted　in　a　certain　way；　and　each　has　its　own
fixed　mode　of　unravelling；　…　this　will　be　mine。

When　I　had　recovered　from　the　first　momentary　shock　I　turned　and
looked　behind　me。　　There；　close　upon　me；　with　his　huge　form　blocking
the　narrow　entrance；　stood　Rama　Ragobah；　my　rival；　his　face　hideous
with　malignant　triumph！　　I　was　trapped；　and　that；　too；　by　a　man　whom
my　hatred；　could　it　have　worked　its　will；　would　have　plunged　into　the
uttermost　hell　of　torment。　　I　felt　sure　my　hour　had　come；　but　my
assassin　should　not　have　the　satisfaction　of　thinking　I　feared　him。
I　did　not　permit　myself　to　betray　the　slightest　concern　as　to　my
position　…　indeed；　after　the　shock　of　the　first　surprise；　I　did　not
care　so　very　much　what　fate　awaited　me。　　Why　should　I？　　Had　I　not
seriously　thought　of　taking　my　own　life？　　Was　it　not　clear　now　that
Lona；　whose　own　handwriting　had　decoyed　me；　had　most　basely
betrayed　me　into　her　husband's　hands？　　If　I　had　wished　to　end　my
own　life　before；　surely　now；　death；　at　the　hands　of　another；　was　no
very　terrible　thing。　　Could　I　have　dragged　that　other　down　with　me；
I　would　have　rejoiced　at　the　prospect！

Ragobah　broke　the　silence。　　〃You　have　left　your　stick　this　time；　I
see；〃　he　said；　as　he　unsheathed　the　long　knife　I　had　once　before
escaped；　and　ostentatiously　felt　its　edge　as　if　he　were　about　to
shave　with　it。

〃You　were　in　haste；　Sahib；　when　you　left　me　last　time；　or　I　should
not　now　have　the　pleasure　of　this　interview。　　Be　assured　I　shall　do
my　work　more　thoroughly　this　time。　　Behind　you　there　is　a　hole
partly　filled　with　water。　　If　you　drop　a　stone　into　this　well；　it
is　several　seconds　before　you　hear　the　splash；　and　there　is　a　saying
hereabouts　that　it　is　bottomless。　　I　am　curious　to　know　if　this　be
true；　and　I　am　going　to　send　you　to　see。　　Of　course；　if　the　story　is
well　founded；　I　shall　not　expect　you　to　come　back。　　That　would　be
unreasonable；　Sahib。〃

All　this　was　said　with　a　refined　sarcasm　which　maddened　me；　and；　as
he　concluded；　he　began　to　edge　stealthily　toward　me。　　So　strong　is
the　instinct　of　self…preservation　within　us　that　I　doubt　not　a
would…be　suicide；　caught　in　the　act　of　hanging　himself；　would
struggle　madly　for　his　life　were　someone　else　to　forcibly　adjust　the
noose　about　his　neck。　　At　all　events；　I　found　myself　unwilling；　at
the　last　moment；　to　have　someone　else　launch　me　into　eternity　and；
as　I　wished　to　gain　time　to　think　what　I　should　do　to　escape；　I
said　to　him：

〃Why　do　you　bear　me　such　malice？　　Can　you　not　see　that　any　injury　I
may　have　done　you　was　purely　in　self…defence？　　You　sought　the　quarrel；
and　I　took　the　only　means　at　hand　to　protect　myself。　　I　did　not；　as
you　know；　seek　to　kill　you；　a　thing　I　could　easily　have　done；　but
was　content　merely　to　make　good　my　escape。　　I　…〃

〃Bah！〃　he　said；　interrupting　me　savagely。　　〃That　has　nothing　to　do
with　it。　　Had　you　only　pounded　my　head　you　might　live；　but　you　have
pounded　my　heart！　　It　is　for　that　I　hate　you；　and　for　that　you　die！〃

〃What　have　I　done？〃　I　asked。

〃What　have　you　done？〃　he　roared；　furious　with　rage。　　〃I　will　tell
you。　　You　have　by　magic　possessed　the　mind　of　my　wife。　　Your　name；
your　cursed　name　is　ever　upon　her　lips！　　My　entreaties；　my
supplications　are　answered　by　nothing　else。　　Even　in　her　sleep　she
starts　up　and　calls　for　you。　　You　have　cast　a　spell　upon　her。　　Day
by　day　she　droops　and　withers　like　a　lotus…flower　whose　root　is
severed；　yet　ever　and　always；　is　your　cursed　name　upon　her　lips；
goading　me　to　madness；　until　at　last　I　have　registered　a　sacred　oath
to　kill　you；　and　remove　the　accursed　spell　you　have　thrown　upon　her。〃

Had　he　advanced　upon　me　at　this　moment　he　would　have　found　me　as
helpless　as　a　child；　so　overcome　was　I　by　the　sudden　joy　which　seized
upon　me；　and　seemed　to　turn　my　melancholy　inside　out。　　Those　words　of
hatred　had　been　as　a　torch　illumining　the　gloom　of　my　despair；　for
they　had　shown　me　that　my　existence　was　not　altogether　barren　and
unproductive。　　The　life　which　has　known　the　heaven　of　true　love
cannot　be　called　a　failure。　　There　is　no　wall　so　high；　no　distance
so　great；　no　separation　so　complete　as　to　defy　the　ineffable　commerce
of　two　loving　hearts！　　Lona；　then；　was　still　mine；　despite　all
obstacles。　　What　a　change　this　knowledge　made！　　In　an　instant　life
became　an