lh.narcissusinchains-第34部分

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　I　shook　my　head。　〃Is　the　ardeur　permanent？〃
　〃I　do　not　know。〃
　〃How　long　until　I　can　control　it？〃
　〃A　few　weeks。　But　even　after　you　have　control；　you　will　have　to　be　careful　around　those　you　most　lust　after。　They　will　make　the　hunger　flare　like　fire　raging　in　your　veins。　There　is　no　shame　to　it。〃
　〃So　you　say。〃
　He　held　my　face　between　his　hands。　〃Ma　petite；　it　has　been　over　four　hundred　years　since　I　first　woke　with　the　ardeur　raging　in　me；　but　I　remember。　All　these　years；　and　I　still　remember　that　the　cry　for　flesh　was　almost　worse　than　the　cry　for　blood。〃
　I　held　his　wrists；　pressed　his　hands　against　my　face。　〃I'm　scared。〃
　〃Of　course　you　are。　You　should　be。　But　I　will　help　you　through　this。　I　will　be　your　guide。　It　may　pass　away　in　a　few　days；　or　e　and　go；　I　simply　do　not　know。　But　I　will　help　you　through　it；　whatever　happens。〃
　Nathaniel　pulled　into　the　Circus　of　the　Damned　parking　lot；　beside　the　back　door。　It　was　still　dark　as　we　got　out；　but　the　air　had　that　soft　feel　of　predawn。　You　could　taste　the　ing　morning　on　the　tip　of　your　tongue。
　Jason　opened　the　outer　door　as　if　he'd　been　waiting　for　us。　He　probably　had。　Jean…Claude　hurried　past　him　to　the　door　that　led　to　the　stairs。　We　followed；　but　Jean…Claude　called　back　over　his　shoulder；　〃I　must　shower　before　dawn。〃　With　that　he　left　us；　running　in　a　blur　of　motion。　The　rest　of　us　walked　more　sedately　down　the　stairs；　able　to　walk　three　abreast；　because　none　of　us　were　large　people。
　〃How　are　you　feeling？〃　Jason　asked。
　I　shrugged。　〃I'm　pretty　much　healed。〃
　〃You　look　shook。〃
　I　shrugged；　again。
　〃Okay；　I　can　take　a　hint。　You　don't　want　to　talk　about　it。〃
　〃No；　I　don't。〃
　Jason　glanced　around　me　at　Nathaniel。　〃You　staying　the　night？〃
　〃Am　I？〃　I　knew　the　question　was　directed　at　me。
　〃Sure；　you　may　need　to　drive　me　home　tomorrow；　or　rather；　later　today。〃
　〃Yes；　I　am　staying。〃
　〃You　can　bunk　with　me　then。　God　knows　the　bed　is　big　enough　and　doesn't　see　many　visitors。〃
　I　glanced　at　Jason。　〃Does　Jean…Claude　limit　your　social　activities？〃
　He　laughed。　〃No；　not　exactly；　but　the　women　who　e　down　here　are　vampire　freaks。　They　want　to　sleep　in　a　bed　under　the　ground　at　the　Circus　of　the　Damned。　They　don't　want　me；　they　want　Jean…Claude's　pet　werewolf。〃
　〃I　wouldn't　think　。。。　〃　I　stopped　myself　because　I　realized　it　was　an　insult。
　〃Go　ahead　and　say　it。〃
　〃I　wouldn't　think　that　you'd　be　that　picky；〃　I　said。
　〃I　wasn't　when　I　first　got　here。　But　lately　I　just　don't　want　to　be　with　someone　who　just　wants　me　so　she　can　brag　to　her　friends　that　she　slept　with　a　shapeshifter；　or　got　to　sleep　where　the　vampires　sleep。　No　matter　how　good　it　feels　for　a　few　minutes；　it　still　makes　me　feel　like　they've　just　e　to　look　at　one　of　the　freaks。〃
　I　slipped　my　arm　through　his；　squeezed　his　arm。　〃Don't　let　anybody　make　you　feel　like　that；　Jason。　You're　not　a　freak。〃
　He　patted　my　hand。　〃Look　who's　talking。〃
　I　pulled　away　from　him。　〃What's　that　supposed　to　mean？〃
　〃Nothing；　I'm　sorry　I　said　it。〃
　〃No；　I　want　you　to　explain　it。〃
　He　sighed　and　hurried　down　the　steps；　but　I　was　in　Nikes　and　could　keep　up。　Nathaniel　followed　a　few　steps　behind　without　saying　a　word。　〃Explain　it；　Jason。〃
　〃You　hate　the　monsters。　You　hate　being　different。〃
　〃That's　not　true。〃
　〃You　accept　that　you're　different；　but　you　don't　like　it。〃
　I　opened　my　mouth　to　argue　with　him；　but　had　to　stop　myself；　had　to　think。　Was　he　right？　Was　he？　Did　I　hate　being　different？　Did　I　hate　the　monsters　because　they　were　different？　〃Maybe　you're　right。〃
　He　looked　back　at　me；　eyes　wide。　〃Anita　Blake　admitting　she　may　be　wrong？　Gasp！〃
　I　tried　to　frown　at　him；　but　I　could　feel　it　held　an　edge　of　smile　that　ruined　the　effect。　〃I　better　get　used　to　being　one　of　the　monsters；　or　so　I　hear。〃
　His　eyes　went　serious。　〃Are　you　really　going　to　be　a　wereleopard？〃
　〃We'll　find　out；　won't　we。〃
　〃You　okay　with　it？〃
　It　was　my　turn　to　laugh；　but　it　sounded　bitter。　〃No。　No　I'm　not　okay　with　it；　but　the　damage　is　done。　I　can't　change　it。〃
　〃Fatalism；〃　he　said。
　〃Practicality；〃　I　said。
　〃Same　thing；〃　he　said。
　〃No；　it　isn't。〃
　Jason　looked　past　me　at　Nathaniel　who　treaded　softly　a　few　steps　behind　me。　〃How　do　you　feel　about　her　being　a　wereleopard？〃
　〃I　think　I'll　keep　my　feelings　to　myself。〃
　〃You're　happy　about　it；　aren't　you？〃　And　there　was　an　edge　of　hostility　in　his　voice。
　〃No；　I'm　not。〃
　〃You　get　to　keep　her　as　your　Nimir…Ra　now。〃
　〃Maybe。〃
　〃Doesn't　that　make　you　happy？〃
　〃Stop　it；　Jason。　Richard's　told　me　his　little　theory　about　Gregory　marking　me　on　purpose。〃
　〃You　talked　to　Richard？〃　He　made　it　a　question。
　〃Unfortunately。〃
　〃You　know　what's　happened；　then？〃
　〃About　you　guys　taking　Gregory；　yeah。　I　talked　to　Jacob　on　the　phone　even。〃
　Jason　looked　surprised。　〃What　did　you　say　to　him？〃
　〃Gregory　dies；　Jacob　dies。〃
　〃Jacob　wants　to　be　Ulfric。〃
　〃We　discussed　that；　too；〃　I　said。
　〃What　did　he　say？〃
　〃He　won't　challenge　Richard　until　after　the　full　moon　this　month。　You　better　give　Sylvie　a　heads　up；　because　that　means　Jacob　has　to　defeat　her　within　the　next　two　weeks。〃
　〃Why　is　he　waiting　for　the　full　moon？〃
　〃Because　I　told　him　I'd　kill　him　if　he　didn't。〃
　〃You　can't　undercut　Richard's　authority　like　that。〃
　〃I　don't　need　to；　Jason；　he's　doing　such　a　good　job　all　on　his　own。〃
　We　were　at　the　bottom　of　the　stairs；　the　heavy　door　hanging　open　where　Jean…Claude　had　rushed　through。　〃Richard　is　my　Ulfric。〃
　〃I'm　not　asking　you　to　bad…mouth　him；　Jason。　He's　destroyed　his　power　structure　within　the　pack。　It's　not　something　to　debate；　it's　just　the　truth。〃
　Jason　stopped　me　at　the　door。　〃Maybe　if　you　had　been　here；　you　could　have　talked　him　out　of　it。〃
　I　was　finally　angry。　〃One；　you　have　no　right　to　question　what　I　do；　or　don't　do。　Two；　Richard　is　a　big　boy　and　makes　his　own　decisions。　Three；　don't　you　ever；　ever　question　me　again。〃
　〃You're　not　my　lupa　anymore；　Anita。〃
　Anger　flared　through　me　like　a　scalding　wave；　tightening　my　shoulders；　my　arms；　spilling　into　my　hands。　I'd　never　felt　rage　so　quickly　and　so　pletely。　I　had　to　close　my　eyes　to　concentrate；　so　I　wouldn't　take　a　swing　at　him。　What　was　wrong　with　me？
　I　felt　Nathaniel　at　my　back。　〃Are　you　alright？〃　he　said。
　I　shook　my　head。　〃I　don't　think　so。〃
　〃Look；〃　Jason　said；　〃I'm　sorry；　but　I　don't　want　Jacob　in　charge　of　the　pack　　I　don't　trust　him。　Richard　may　be　a　bleeding…heart；　flag…waving　right…winger；　but　he's　also　fair；　and　he　really　does　try　to　put　the　best　interests　of　the　pack　before　his　own。　I　don't　want　to　lose　that。〃
　I　looked　at　him；　trying　to　swallow　past　the　anger。　My　voice　came　out　squeezed　tight。　〃You're　scared　about　what　will　happen　to　all　of　you　if　Jacob　takes　over。〃
　He　nodded。　〃Yes。〃
　〃Me；　too；〃　I　said。
　He　looked　into　my　face；　studied　it。　〃If　Jacob　kills　Richard　in　a　fair　fight；　what　will　you　do？〃
　〃Richard　isn't　my　boyfriend　anymore；　and　I'm　not　lupa。　If　it's　a　fair　challenge　fight；　then　I　can't　interfere。　I　told　Jacob　if　the　fight　was　fair；　and　after　the　full　moon；　I　wouldn't　take　revenge　on　him。〃
　〃You　won't　avenge　Richard's　death？〃
　〃If　I　kill　Jacob；　and　Richard　and　Sylvie　are　already　dead；　who'll　take　over？　I've　seen　what　happens　to　a　group　of　shapeshifters　who　don't　have　an　alpha　to　lead　them。　I　won't　let　what　happened　to　the　leopards　happen　to　the　wolves。〃
　〃If　Jacob　died　before　he　fought　Sylvie；　then　you　wouldn't　have　to　worry　about　it；〃　Jason　said。
　The　anger　that　had　been　leaking　away　made　a　eback。　〃You　can't　have　it　both　ways；　Jason。　Either　I'm　not　your　lupa　　not　dominant　to　you　　and　thus　can't　help　you　fix　this；　or　I　am　still　your　lupa；　still　dominant　to　you；　still　someone　you　e　to　for　this　kind　of　help。　Make　up　your　mind　which　you　want　me　to　be　before　you　get　up　in　my　face　again。〃
　〃You　can't　be　lupa；　the　pack　voted　you　out。　But　you're　right；　it's　not　your　fault。　You　had　to　try　and　fix　yourself　before　you　could　fix　anyone　else。　I'm　sorry　I　got　in　your　face。〃
　〃Apology　accepted；〃　I　said。　I　started　to　go　around　him　through　the　door；　but　he　caught　my　arm。
　〃I　didn't　ask　you　to　kill　Jacob　because　you　were　my　lupa；　or　dominant　to　me。　I　asked　you　because　I　know　you've　already　thought　of　it。　I　asked　you　because　I　know　if　you　think　it's　best　for　the　pack；　you'll　do　it。〃
　〃Pack　business　is　no　longer　my　concern；　so　everyone　keeps　telling　me。〃
　〃They　don't　know　you　like　I　do；〃　he　said。
　I　pulled　away　from　him；　gently。　〃What's　that　supposed　to　mean？〃
　〃It　means　that　once　you've　given　your　friendship　　your　protection　　to　someone；　you　take　care　of　them；　even　if　they　don't　want　you　to。〃
　〃If　I　kill　Jacob；　Richard　will　never　forgive　me。〃
　〃He　dumped　you；　right？　What　have　you　got　to　lose　by　killing　Jacob？　Nothing。　But　if　you　don't　kill　him；　then　you　lose　Sylvie　and　Richard。〃
　I　pushed　past　him。　〃I　am　getting　really　tired　of　doing　everyone's　dirty　work。〃
　〃No　one　is　better　at　dirty　work　than　you　are；　Anita。〃
　That　stopped　me；　made　me　turn　back　around　to　face　him。　〃What's　that　supposed　to　mean？〃
　〃It　doesn't　mean　anything。　It's　just　the　truth。〃　I　stared　into　his　so…solemn　eyes。　I　would　have　liked　to　argue；　but　I　really　couldn't。
　I'd　thought　I　couldn't　feel　worse　about　myself　tonight。　I'd　been　wrong。　Watching　the　look　in　Jason's　eyes；　hearing　him　talk　about　me　like　that；　made　me　feel　worse。　This　night　just　couldn't　get　any　more　depressing。
　
　14
　
　DAWN　WAS　MINUTES　away　when　Jean…Claude　came　through　the　door　in　a　robe。　〃You　may　have　the　bed；　ma　petite；　and　I　will　take　my　coffin。　I　think　your　nerves　are　raw　enough　without　me　dying　in　your　arms　as　the　sun　rises。〃
　I'd　have　liked　to　argue；　because　I　wanted　him　to　hold　me　in　the　worst　way；　but　he　was　right。　I'd　had　enough　shocks　for　one　night。　〃Nathaniel　will　stay　with　me；〃　I　said。
　A　look　passed　over　Jean…Claude's　face。　〃And　Jason；　as　well。〃
　〃Why？〃
　〃I　do　not　have　the　time　to　explain；　ma　petite；　but　please　trust　me　that　Jason　should　be　here；　too。　It　is　for　the　best。〃
　I　could　feel　dawn　trembling　close；　even　so　deep　underground。　〃Okay；　Jason　can　stay；　too。〃
　Jean…Claude　was　already　edging　out　the　door。　〃I　will　tell　him　on　my　way　to　the　coffin　room。　I　am　sorry　to　leave　you　like　this；　ma　petite〃
　〃Go；　it's　almost　dawn；〃　I　said。
　H