lh.narcissusinchains-第40部分

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out　of　pity。　It　hadn't　been　pity　　I　had　the　memory　of　it　　it　had　been　pain。　They　had　bee　constant　reminders　of　how　each　had　failed　the　other。　A　constant　reminder　of　the　woman　they'd　both　loved；　and　lost。　Until　the　pain　was　all　they　had　left。　Asher　had　turned　it　into　hate；　and　Jean…Claude　had　simply　turned　away。
　I　walked　through　the　memories　like　moving　through　cobwebs；　things　that　brushed　me；　clung　to　me；　but　did　not　stop　me。　His　hands　were　behind　his　back；　his　body　leaning　against　the　door；　pinning　them；　and　I　knew　why。　Through　Jean…Claude's　〃gift〃　I　knew　that　Asher　wanted　to　touch　me　and　didn't　trust　himself　enough　to　have　his　hands　out　in　front　of　him。　But　it　wasn't　me　he　wanted　to　touch。　In　a　way　he　was　like　Nathaniel；　he　saw　in　me　what　he　needed　to　see；　not　exactly　what　was　there。
　I　touched　his　hair　where　it　hid　his　face。　He　flinched。　I　swept　the　hair　back　from　his　face；　standing　on　tip…toe　to　reach　him；　putting　one　hand　lightly　on　his　chest　for　balance。　He　moved　away　from　me；　taking　a　step　into　the　room。　I　grabbed　his　robe；　but　he　stayed　turned　away　as　the　robe　pulled　back　from　the　perfect　half　of　his　chest。　〃Look　at　me；　Asher；　please。〃
　He　stayed　turned　away；　and　I　finally　had　to　walk　those　few　steps　to　him。　I　was　short　enough　that；　standing　right　in　front　of　him；　I　could　look　up　underneath　the　hair　into　his　face。　He　turned　away　again；　and　I　stretched　up；　putting　a　hand　on　either　side　of　his　face；　turning　him　to　look　at　me。　It　put　my　body　against　his　just　for　balance；　and　I　felt　the　reluctance　in　his　body；　the　need　to　move　away。　But　he　stayed　immobile　under　my　touch。　He　kept　his　hands　behind　his　back；　as　if　I'd　tied　them　there。
　The　skin　under　one　hand　was　so　smooth；　the　other　so　rough。　He　could　have　fought　me；　but　he　didn't。　He　let　me　turn　his　face　to　me。　I　wrapped　my　hands　in　the　thickness　of　his　golden　hair；　holding　it　back　from　his　face。　I　stared　into　his　upturned　face。　The　eyes；　that　impossible　pale　blue；　were　unreal；　like　the　eyes　of　a　husky。　His　lips　were　still　full　and　kissable；　his　nose　still　a　perfect　profile。　Even　the　scars　that　started　far　on　the　right　side　of　his　face　were　just　another　part　of　Asher　　just　another　piece　of　him　that　I　loved。　I'd　always　assumed　that　any　emotions　I　felt　for　Asher　were　from　Jean…Claude's　memories　of　him　when　they　were　lovers；　panions　for　over　twenty　years。　But　staring　at　him　now；　I　realized　that　that　was　only　part　of　it。
　I　held　memories　of　his　body　smooth　and　perfect。　But　that　wasn't　what　I　thought　of　when　I　thought　of　Asher。　I　pictured　him　as　he　was　now；　and　I　still　loved　him。　It　wasn't　the　way　I　felt　about　Jean…Claude；　or　Richard；　but　it　was　real；　and　it　was　mine。　Maybe　it　wouldn't　have　existed　if　I　hadn't　had　Jean…Claude's　memories　and　emotions　to　build　on；　but　whatever　the　foundation；　I　had　feelings　for　Asher　that　were　all　mine；　no　one　else's。　I　realized　with　something　like　a　shock　that　it　wasn't　just　everyone　else's　heart　I　could　see　into。　I　turned　and　looked　back　at　Jean…Claude；　tried　to　ask　with　my　eyes　what　I　was　thinking。
　〃To　know　another's　heart；　you　must　first　know　your　own；　ma　petite。〃　His　voice　was　soft；　no　reproach。
　I　turned　back　to　Asher；　and　there　was　something　in　his　eyes　　half　wonderment；　half　pain　　as　if　he　expected　me　to　hurt　him　in　some　way。　He　was　probably　right。　But　if　so；　I　wouldn't　mean　to　do　it。　Sometimes　the　greatest　wounds　are　the　ones　we　try　the　hardest　not　to　inflict。
　I　let　what　I　was　feeling　fill　my　eyes；　my　face。　It　was　the　only　gift　I　had　to　give　him。　His　expression　softened；　and　what　I　saw　in　those　lovely　eyes　was　at　the　same　time　wonderful　and　painful。　He　dropped　to　his　knees；　one　tear　trailing　down　his　smooth　cheek。　The　look　on　his　face　was　full　of　so　many　things。　〃The　look　in　your　eyes　heals　a　part　of　my　heart；　ma　cherie；　and　wounds　another。〃
　〃Love　is　such　a　bitch；〃　I　said。
　He　laughed　and　hugged　me　around　the　waist；　the　roughness　of　his　right　cheek　pressed　into　my　belly；　and　I　valued　that　more　than　anything　else　he　could　have　done。　I　stroked　his　hair　and　held　him　against　me。　I　looked　across　the　room　to　Jean…Claude；　and　the　look　on　his　face　was　drowning　deep；　a　longing　so　immense　that　there　were　no　words　to　hold　it。　He　wanted　Asher　and　me。　He　wanted　what　he　had　had　so　many　centuries　ago。　He'd　once　told　Asher　that　he'd　once　almost　been　happy；　and　that　had　been　when　he　was　in　Asher's　and　Julianna's　arms。　Before　she　died　and　Asher　was　saved　but　no　longer　Belle　Morte's　perfect　golden　boy。　Jean…Claude　had　been　forced　to　take　Asher　back　to　the　vampire　Council　to　have　him　healed。　Jean…Claude　had　traded　a　hundred　years　of　his　own　freedom　to　the　Council　for　the　favor　of　them　saving　Asher's　life。　Then　Jean…Claude　had　fled；　and　Asher　had　stayed　behind；　blaming　Jean…Claude　for　Julianna's　death　and　for　his　ruin。　Jean…Claude　had　gone　from　being　in　love　and　being　loved　by　two　people；　to　losing　one　lover　and　having　the　other　one　hate　him。
　We　gazed　at　each　other。　The　look　in　Jean…Claude's　eyes　was　so　raw；　like　a　fresh　wound　that　still　bled。　He　wanted　to　secure　his　power　base　with　the　triumvirate。　He　did　want　that　　needed　it　　but　there　were　other　things　that　he　wanted；　almost　needed。　And　one　of　those　was　hugging　my　waist；　pressing　his　face　to　my　stomach。
　Jean…Claude　lowered　his　eyes　as　if　he　couldn't　control　what　was　in　them。　He　was　the　master　of　blank；　careful　expression。　The　fact　that　what　he　felt　was　too　strong　to　hide　said　more　than　anything　else。　He　couldn't　shield　his　emotions　right　now。　They　were　too　strong；　they　shattered　all　his　careful　control；　and　a　part　of　me　was　glad。
　In　that　moment　I　wanted　to　give　him　what　he　most　desired。　I　wanted　to　do　it　because　I　loved　him；　but　it　was　more　than　that。　I　suddenly　realized　that　with　Richard　gone　from　our　bed；　other　things　were　suddenly　possible。　I　turned　back　to　Asher；　gazing　down　on　the　top　of　his　head；　and　knew　that　to　be　held　in　the　circle　of　both　our　arms　would　heal　something　inside　him　that　might　never　heal　any　other　way。
　The　ardeur　flared　through　me；　hot；　so　hot；　as　if　my　skin　must　feel　feverish。　Asher　drew　back　from　me；　letting　his　arms　drop　slowly　to　his　sides。　He　gazed　up　at　me；　and　the　look　in　his　eyes　was　enough。　I　knew　he　felt　the　hunger；　too。
　〃It　feels　hot；〃　I　said。　〃Always　before　your　power　has　felt　cool；　or　cold　even。　It's　Richard's　beast　that　holds　the　heat。〃
　〃Lust　is　warm；　ma　petite；　even　among　the　cold…blooded。〃
　I　turned　towards　the　bed　and　was　suddenly　very　aware　that　I　was　nude；　I　was　really　going　to　have　to　get　a　robe。　It　wasn't　Jean…Claude's　gaze　that　made　me　look　away；　it　was　Nathaniel　and　Jason。　Everyone　in　this　room　responded　to　me；　in　different　ways；　for　very　different　reasons。　But　it　was　all　fodder　for　this　。。。　need　inside　me。
　Asher　made　some　small　movement　that　drew　my　attention　back　to　him。　I　started　to　reach　for　him；　to　push　his　robe　from　his　shoulders；　to　watch　it　fall　to　the　floor。　I　hugged　my　arms　to　me；　as　if　I　was　cold；　but　I　wasn't　cold。　It　was　my　turn　not　to　trust　where　my　hands　were。　The　temptation　was　so　thick　every　where　I　looked　that　there　seemed　no　place　to　walk　in　safety。　I　felt　trapped。　Trapped；　not　in　the　room；　but　in　the　desire。
　When　I　was　sure　I　could　talk　without　sounding　as　confused　as　I　felt；　I　asked　〃Is　this　thing　permanent；　or　will　it　go　away　when　we　all　adjust　to　the　marks　being　married？〃
　〃I　do　not　know；　ma　petite。　I　wish　I　could　tell　you　something　more　certain。　If　you　were　truly　of　my　get；　truly　vampire；　then　I　would　say；　yes；　it　is　permanent。　But　you　are　my　human　servant。　You　have　manifested　powers　in　the　past；　and　some　have　e　and　gone。〃　He　raised　his　hands。　〃There　is　no　way　to　be　sure。〃
　〃Is　it　always　like　this；　never　satisfied；　never　finished？〃
　〃No；　you　can　sate　yourself；　but　it　takes　much　to　do　it。　Usually；　one　must　be　content　with　enough　to　keep　the　desire　from　overwhelming　you。〃
　〃And　you　haven't　fed　like　this　in　months；　because　you　thought　I　would　disapprove？〃
　〃Years。　And　yes。〃
　I　stared　at　him　across　the　room　with　Asher　still　kneeling　in　front　of　me。　I'd　always　thought　of　Jean…Claude　as　the　weaker…willed　of　the　three　of　us　　Richard；　him；　and　me。　Now　I　stood　there　afraid　to　move；　afraid　not　to　move；　wanting　to　do　things　that　were　not　me；　not　mine；　not　even　Jean…Claude's。　I'd　known　that　the　lycanthropes　spoke　of　their　animal　half　as　something　separate　from　them　　their　beast　　but　I'd　never　understood　that　some　of　the　vampires'　powers　were　the　same　way。　Desires；　hungers；　so　strong　and　overwhelming　that　they　were　like　separate　beings　trapped　inside　your　head；　your　body；　your　blood。
　Asher　made　a　small　movement；　and　I　turned　to　him。　My　hand　reached　out　to　stroke　his　hair　before　I'd　turned　pletely　to　face　him；　as　if　my　body　had　been　moving　without　my　eyes　or　my　brain。　His　hair　was　thicker　textured；　more　like　mine；　not　the　baby…fine　curls　of　Jean…Claude　or　Jason；　or　the　velvet　silk　of　Nathaniel。　I　bundled　my　hands　into　Asher's　hair　as　if　I'd　memorize　the　feel　of　it。　Somewhere　between　mine　and　Richard's；　somewhere　in　the　middle；　but　not　warm　like　Richard's　was　to　the　touch。　Asher　hadn't　fed　today；　and　he　had　no　warmth　to　give。　His　skin　was　cool　under　my　fingertips　as　I　traced　his　cheek。
　I　spoke　without　looking　at　Jean…Claude。　〃How　have　you　stood　it？　How　could　you　fight　the　need　all　this　time？〃
　〃You　are　a　fledgling；　ma　petite。　Your　control　will　never　be　weaker　than　now。　I　have　had　centuries　to　practice　my　control。〃
　I　made　myself　stop　petting　Asher。　But　he　took　my　hand　as　I　moved　it　back　and　laid　a　gentle　kiss　on　my　knuckles。　Even　that　small　touch　made　me　catch　my　breath。　My　voice　came　out　weak。　〃So　you　can　go　without　feeding　the　desire。〃
　〃No；　ma　petite。〃
　I　turned　and　stared　at　him；　and　Asher　rubbed　his　thumb　in　small　circles　on　my　hand。　I　remembered　that　small　touch　as　precious；　a　habit　he　had　no　matter　which　of　us　he　held　hands　with。　〃You　said　you　hadn't　fed　like　this。〃
　〃I　have　had　no　sex；　nor　touched　anyone　in　such　a　plete　manner　as　you　have　done　with　Nathaniel。　But　I　must　feed　the　desire；　just　as　I　must　take　blood。〃
　〃What　happens　if　you　don't？〃
　〃You　remember　what　happened　to　Sabin　when　he　stopped　taking　human　blood？〃
　I　nodded。　Asher's　thumb　continued　its　small　circle　on　my　hand；　and　it　made　things　low　in　my　body　tighten。　〃Sabin　started　to　rot　while　he　was　still　alive。〃　I　stare