lh.narcissusinchains-第42部分

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　〃You　have；〃　Asher　said。
　〃Oui。〃
　Jason　was　looking　at　me；　and　I　had　to　put　a　hand　over　his　eyes；　close　them。　And　the　embarrassment　helped；　but　the　ardeur　only　withdrew　momentarily；　like　a　wave　pulling　back　from　the　shore；　I　could　feel　it　rushing　towards　us　again。　Jean…Claude　was　right；　every　time　I　said　no；　the　next　time　was　harder　to　deny。
　Jean…Claude　rolled　off　the　bed；　and　I　heard　a　drawer　open。　He　came　back　into　sight　with　foil…wrapped　packages　and　wordlessly　handed　them　to　Jason　and　Nathaniel。
　That　did　it。　I　crawled　out　from　between　them　to　huddle　against　the　headboard。　〃No；　no；　no；　you　said　no　intercourse。〃
　〃I　said；　that　you　do　not　need　intercourse　to　feed。〃
　〃No；　oh；　so　no。〃　I　tucked　the　robe　around　my　legs　and　covered　everything　I　could；　which　was　pretty　much　all　of　me。
　〃We　are　not　planning　on　them　having　intercourse　with　you；　ma　petite。　But　I　have　both　fed　on　desire　and　been　fed　off　of　by　Belle　Morte。　There　es　a　time　in　the　feeding　where　you　lose　yourself　and　cannot　always　think　clearly。　I　do　not　want　regrets　if　we　get　carried　away。〃
　〃I　am　not　going　to　have　sex　with　Nathaniel；　or　Jason。　Keep　this　up；　and　you　won't　even　be　on　the　list。〃
　〃I　would　rather　have　you　angry　with　me　and　not　in　my　bed　than　accidentally　pregnant　by　one　of　them。〃
　〃I　think　I　can　keep　from　fucking　them。〃　I　sounded　angry；　but　it　wasn't　anger　that　I　felt；　it　was　a　seed　of　doubt。　That　hesitation　made　the　anger　worse。　I　always　hid　behind　anger　when　I　could。
　〃And　before　this　morning；　you　would　have　sworn　even　more　strongly　that　you　would　not　fuck　a　strange　man　you　had　just　met。〃
　The　blush　was　so　hot；　it　almost　hurt。　〃I　didn't　mean　to。〃　That　sounded　weak　even　to　me。　〃I　couldn't　。。。　〃
　〃You　could　not　control　yourself；　ma　petite；　I　know。　But　if　you　lose　control　again；　would　you　not　rather　be　safe？〃
　I　shook　my　head。　〃If　I　can't　control　myself　better　than　this；　we're　not　going　to　do　this。〃
　〃And　if　you　do　not　feed　from　the　lust　in　this　room；　how　will　you　go　into　the　lupanar　tonight？　How　will　you　see　your　wereleopard　lover　tonight　when　he　acpanies　you　to　the　lupanar　without　losing　your　precious　control？　How　will　you　stand　this　close　to　our　Richard　and　not　offer　yourself　to　him？　Ma　petite；　you　have　had　sex　with　a　stranger。〃
　〃He　is　her　Nimir…Raj；〃　Nathaniel　said。　〃They　are　meant　to　be　a　mated　pair。〃
　〃Pretty　to　think　so；〃　Jean…Claude　said；　〃but　I　have　been　where　ma　petite　is　right　now。　I　have　felt　the　hunger　for　centuries；　and　I　tell　you　that　you　will　not　be　able　to　go　among　the　shapeshifters　tonight　unless　you　are　sated。　I　ask　again；　can　you　delay　this　meeting　for　a　few　nights？〃
　〃I　might　be　able　to　delay　it　for　a　night；〃　I　said。
　He　shook　his　head。　〃No；　ma　petite；　one　night　will　not　suffice。　You　are　drawn　to　Richard　and　now　to　the　Nimir…Raj。　I　think　you　will　be　unable　to　think　around　them　unless　you　have　fed。　Your　wereleopard's　life　is　at　stake。　Can　you　afford　to　be　that　distracted？　Can　you　bear　the　thought　of　being　that　out　of　control　in　a　public　setting；　among　potential　enemies？〃
　〃Damn　you；〃　I　said。
　He　nodded。　〃Yes；　perhaps；　but　is　anything　I　have　said　untrue？〃
　〃No。〃　I　shook　my　head。　〃I　hate　it；　but　no。〃
　〃Then　let　us　at　least　take　precautions；　ma　petite。　It　is　luck　alone　that　had　the　Nimir…Raj　made　safe。　Our　lives　are　plicated　enough　without　that。〃
　I　knew　what　〃that〃　meant。　An　accidental　pregnancy。　The　thought　of　it　made　my　blood　run　colder　than　anything　else　had。　I　hid　my　face　in　my　hands。　〃I　can't　do　this。〃
　〃Then　you　must　call　Richard　and　tell　him　you　cannot　e　tonight。　You　cannot　go　as　you　are；　ma　petite。　The　need　will　only　worsen　the　longer　you　deny　it。〃
　I　raised　my　face　and　stared　at　him。　〃How　much　worse？〃
　He　lowered　his　gaze。　〃Bad　enough。〃
　I　crawled　across　the　bed　to　him；　made　him　look　at　me。　〃How　bad？〃
　He　tried　not　to　meet　my　gaze。　His　shields　were　back　in　place；　and　I　couldn't　tell　what　he　was　feeling。　〃You　would　be　attracted　to　all　the　men。　You　would　。。。　I　cannot　guarantee　what　you　would　do；　ma　petite；　or　who　you　would　do　it　with。〃
　I　just　stared　at　him。　〃No。　No；　I　would　never　。。。　〃
　He　touched　my　mouth　with　his　fingertip。　〃Ma　petite；　if　you　have　not　found　my　memories　of　my　first　days　with　this　inside　my　body；　then　it　is　a　blessing。　I　was　a　wanton　thing　before　I　became　a　vampire。　But　what　I　did　when　the　desire　first　fell　upon　me　。。。　The　desire　did　not　hit　me　at　once；　because　I　craved　blood　first；　then　when　that　quieted；　the　desire　rose　inside　me。〃　He　took　my　hands　in　his；　pressed　them　against　the　cool　flesh　of　his　chest。　〃I　did　things；　ma　petite；　things　that　even　to　a　hardened　libertine　were　humiliating。　A　look；　a　glance；　and　it　was　enough　to　bring　me　to　them。〃
　〃Didn't　Belle　Morte　try　to　protect　you？〃
　〃I　did　not　meet　Belle　until　I　had　been　dead　nearly　five　years。〃
　I　stared　at　him。　〃I　thought　Belle　was　your；　whatever；　that　she　made　you　into　a　vamp。〃
　〃Lissette　was　my　creator。　She　was　of　Belle's　line；　but　not　a　master　vampire；　not　by　any　stretch　of　the　definition。　In　France　it　is　customary　that　every　kiss　of　vampires　has　at　least　one　vampire　belonging　to　each　of　the　council　bloodlines。　Lissette　was　the　only　one　of　her　kind　in　a　nest　descended　mostly　of　far　less　pleasant　vampires。　Julian　was　her　Master　of　the　City；　and　he　was　my　first　true　master。　He　brought　in　people　for　me；　but　not　people　I　would　have　chosen。　He　brought　in　。。。　〃　Jean…Claude　shook　his　head。　〃He　amused　himself　at　my　expense；　because　he　knew　I　would　take　whatever　he　offered；　because　I　would　have　no　choice。　I　thought　I　had　no　room　for　embarrassment；　but　he　taught　me　that　there　were　things　I　did　not　want　to　do；　and　I　did　them　anyway。〃
　I　think　if　he　hadn't　been　shielding　so　strongly　that　I　would　have　seen　what　he　was　remembering；　but　he　didn't　want　me　to　see。
　〃Let　me　spare　you　such　degradation；　ma　petite。　You　are　not　as　I　was。　You　have　never　given　yourself　freely。　I　fear　what　you　would　do；　or　think　of　yourself；　if　you　did　these　things。　I　do　not　think　your　sense　of　yourself　would　survive　intact。〃
　〃You're　scaring　me；〃　I　said。
　〃Good；　you　should　be　frightened。　Asher　met　me　before　I　had　mastered　the　ardeur。　He　can　tell　you　what　I　was　like　then。〃
　I　just　looked　at　Asher。
　〃I　had　seen　the　ardeur　rise　in　others　before　Jean…Claude；　and　I　have　watched　it　since；　but　I　have　never　seen　anyone　so　crazed　by　it；〃　said　Asher。
　〃So　you　helped　him　learn　how　to　control　the　ardeur。〃
　〃Non。　Lissette　sent　to　Belle；　telling　her　of　Jean…Claude's　beauty。　I　was　sent　to；　how　would　you　say；　look　him　over　for　Belle。　I　advised　Belle　not　to　bring　Jean…Claude　and　his　master　to　court。〃
　〃Why？〃　I　asked。
　〃I　was　jealous　of　his　beauty　and　his　prowess。　After　ten　years　she　was　bored　with　me；　or　so　I　feared。　And　I　did　not　wish　the　petition。〃
　〃I　learned　to　control　the　ardeur　without　the　aid　of　another　who　had　experienced　it。　For　five　years　I　fed　on　flesh　as　I　fed　on　blood。　Only　then　did　I　master　the　ability　to　feed　from　a　distance。〃
　〃Five　years！〃　I　said。
　〃Belle　taught　me　true　control　of　the　ardeur；　and　I　was　not　hers　until　I　had　been　dead　five　years。　But　I　will　be　there　for　you　from　the　beginning。　It　will　not　be　as　it　was　for　me。〃　Jean…Claude　hugged　me　against　him；　and　that　scared　me　more。　〃I　would　never　have　married　the　marks　with　you　if　I　had　thought　you　could　inherit　my　incubus。　I　would　not　knowingly　have　done　this　to　you。〃
　I　pushed　away　from　him　and　found　him　crying；　and　the　fear　sat　like　stale　metal　on　my　tongue。　I　was　so　scared　my　body　went　quiet；　not　racing；　but　almost　as　if　every　beat　of　my　body；　every　breath；　had　simply　stopped；　and　all　there　was　to　fill　me　was　fear。
　〃What　have　you　done　to　me？〃
　〃I　thought　at　first　that　you　were　not　vampire；　and　it　would　not　be　a　true　hunger。　But　watching　you　today；　I　know　that　it　is　as　it　was　for　me。　You　must　feed。　You　must　not　deny　yourself。　To　do　so　is　to　court　madness；　or　worse。〃
　〃No；〃　I　said。
　〃If　you　had　withstood　the　Nimir…Raj's　advances；　then　I　would　say　that　your　strength　of　will　might　conquer　it。　If　you　had　withstood　the　desire　to　feed　on　Nathaniel；　I　would　say　you　would　master　it。　But　you　fed　on　him。〃
　〃I　did　not　have　sex　with　Nathaniel。〃
　〃No。　And　wasn't　what　you　did　instead　more　satisfying　to　some　part　of　you　than　mere　intercourse　would　have　been？〃
　I　started　to　say　no　and　stopped。　I　could　still　feel　Nathaniel's　flesh　in　my　mouth；　the　touch　of　his　skin　under　my　hands；　the　taste　of　his　blood　on　my　tongue。　The　memory　brought　the　hunger　over　me　in　a　hot　rush。　Not　merely　the　lust；　but　Jean…Claude's　craving　for　blood；　and　Richard's　beast　　or　my　beast　　wanting　to　take　that　last　bite　and　tear　flesh　for　real；　no　pretending；　no　holding　back。
　I　had　an　awful　idea。　〃If　I　deny　one　hunger　all　of　them　grow　worse；　don't　they？〃
　〃If　I　deny　the　lust；　I　need　more　blood；　and　the　reverse　is　true。〃
　〃I　don't　just　have　your　blood　lust；　Jean…Claude；　I　have　Richard's　beast　　or　mine。　I　wanted　to　tear　Nathaniel　up。　I　wanted　to　feed　on　him　for　real；　the　way　an　animal　does。　Will　that　grow　worse；　too？〃
　His　face　started　to　slip　back　into　careful；　neutral　lines。　I　grabbed　his　shoulders；　shook　him。　〃No！　No　more　hiding。　Will　it　grow　worse？〃
　〃I　have　no　way　of　knowing　for　certain。〃
　〃No　more　games！　Will　it　grow　worse？〃
　〃I　believe　so。〃　His　voice　was　very　soft　as　he　said　it。
　I　drew　back　from　him；　huddled　against　the　headboard；　stared　at　him；　waiting　for　him　to　say；　〃sorry；　just　kidding；〃　but　he　just　met　my　eyes。　I　stared　at　him；　because　I　didn't　want　to　see　anyone　else's　face。　If　I　saw　pity；　it　might　make　me　cry。　If　I　saw　lust；　it'd　make　me　mad。
　I　finally　said；　〃What　am　I　going　to　do？〃　There　was　no　inflection　in　my　voice；　just　a　dragging　tiredness。
　〃You　will　feed；　and　we　will　help　you。　We　will　keep　you　safe。〃
　I　finally　glanced　at　the　others。　Every　face　was　either　carefully　neutral　or；　in　Nathaniel's　case；　staring　down　at　the　bed；　as　if　he　didn't　trust　me　to　see　his　eyes。　Probably　smart　of　him。
　〃Fine；　but　I　think　we　can　do　better　than　condoms。〃
　〃What　do　you　mean；　ma　petite'？〃
　〃Nathaniel　can　put　his　shorts　on；　and　I'll　find　my　jammies。〃
　〃I　still　think　。。。　〃
　I　held　a　hand　up；　and　Jean…Claude　fell　silent。　〃They　can　put　them　on　underneath　their　clothes；　just　in　case；　but　I　know　that　if　I　tell　Nathaniel　not　to　。。。　that　he　won't。〃　I　frowned　at　J