lh.narcissusinchains-第69部分

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　〃So　you　would　trade　all　your　ideals　for　the　people　you　care　about？〃　she　asked。
　〃I'm　not　sure　I　have　any　ideals　anymore。〃
　〃You're　still　Christian；　aren't　you？〃
　〃My　religion　isn't　an　ideal。　Ideals　are　abstract　things　that　you　can't　touch　or　see。　My　religion　isn't　abstract；　it's　very　'stract；'　very　real。〃
　〃You　can't　see　God；〃　she　said。　〃You　can't　hold　Him　in　your　hand。〃
　〃How　many　angels　can　dance　on　the　head　of　a　pin；　huh？〃
　She　smiled。　〃Something　like　that。〃
　〃I've　held　a　cross　while　it　flared　so　bright　it　blinded　me　until　all　the　world　was　just　white　fire。　I've　seen　a　copy　of　the　Talmud　go　up　in　flames　in　a　vampire's　hands；　and　even　after　the　book　had　burned　to　ash；　the　vampire　kept　burning　until　it　died。　I've　stood　in　the　presence　of　a　demon　and　recited　holy　script；　and　the　demon　could　not　touch　me。〃　I　shook　my　head。　〃Religion　isn't　an　abstract　thing；　Dr。　Lillian；　it　is　a　living；　breathing；　growing；　organic　thing。〃
　〃Organic　sounds　more　Wiccan　than　Christian；〃　she　said。
　I　shrugged。　〃I've　been　studying　with　a　psychic　and　some　of　her　Wiccan　friends　for　about　a　year；　hard　not　to　soak　some　of　it　up。〃
　〃Doesn't　studying　Wicca　put　you　in　an　awkward　position？〃
　〃You　mean　because　I'm　a　monotheist？〃
　She　nodded。
　〃I　have　God…given　abilities　and　not　enough　training　to　control　those　abilities。　Most　denominations　of　the　church　frown　on　psychics；　let　alone　someone　who　raises　the　dead。　I　need　training；　so　I've　found　people　to　train　me。　The　fact　that　they're　not　Christian　I　see　as　a　failing　of　the　church；　not　a　failing　of　theirs。〃
　〃There　are　Christian　witches；〃　she　said。
　〃I've　met　some　of　them。　They　all　seem　to　be　zealots；　as　if　they　have　to　be　more　Christian　than　anyone　else　to　prove　that　they're　good　enough　to　be　Christian　at　all。　I　don't　like　zealots。〃
　〃Neither　do　I；〃　she　said。
　We　looked　at　each　other　in　the　darkened　kitchen。　She　raised　her　coffee　mug。　I'd　given　her　the　one　with　a　tiny　knight　and　a　large　dragon　that　said；　〃No　guts；　no　glory。〃
　Lillian　said；　〃Down　with　zealots。〃
　I　raised　my　own　mug　in　the　air。　It　was　the　baby　penguin　mug；　still　a　favorite。　〃Down　with　zealots。〃
　We　drank。　She　set　her　mug　on　the　coaster　and　said；　〃Do　I　have　your　permission　to　try　the　drugs　on　Gregory？〃
　I　took　a　deep　breath　and　let　it　out　slowly；　then　nodded。　〃If　he　agrees；　do　it。〃
　She　pushed　back　from　the　table　and　stood。　〃I'll　get　everything　ready。〃
　I　nodded；　but　stayed　sitting。　I　was　praying　when　I　felt　someone　e　into　the　room。　Without　opening　my　eyes；　I　knew　it　was　Micah。
　He　waited　until　I　raised　my　head；　opened　my　eyes。　〃I　didn't　mean　to　interrupt；〃　he　said。
　〃I'm　finished；〃　I　said。
　He　nodded　and　gave　that　smile　of　his　that　was　part　amusement；　part　sorrow；　and　part　something　else。　〃You　were　praying？〃　He　made　it　a　question。
　〃Yes。〃
　Some　trick　of　the　light　made　his　eyes　gleam　in　the　dark；　like　there　was　a　spark　of　hidden　fire　down　deep　in　their　green　gold　depths。　The　illusion　lost　his　eyes　and　most　of　his　face　to　shadow　and　darkness。　Only　that　shimmering　gleam　remained；　as　if　the　color　dancing　in　his　eyes　was　more　real　than　the　rest　of　him。
　Without　seeing　his　face；　I　knew　he　was　upset。　I　could　feel　it　like　a　tension　down　my　spine。　〃What's　wrong？〃　I　asked。
　〃I　can't　remember　the　last　time　I　prayed。〃
　I　shrugged。　〃A　lot　of　people　don't　pray。〃
　〃Why　does　it　surprise　me　that　you　do？〃　he　asked。
　I　shrugged　again。
　He　took　a　step　forward；　and　the　light　fell　upon　his　face　and　that　odd；　mixed　smile　of　his。
　〃I　have　to　go。〃
　〃What's　wrong？〃　I　asked。
　〃What　makes　you　think　anything's　wrong？〃
　〃Tension　level　between　you　and　your　cats。　What's　up；　Micah？〃
　He　pressed　his　thumb　and　forefinger　against　his　eyes；　rubbing；　as　if　he　were　tired。　He　blinked　those　jewel…like　eyes　at　me。　〃A　pard　emergency。　We've　got　one　member　that　couldn't　e　tonight；　and　she's　got　herself　in　trouble。〃
　〃What　kind　of　trouble？〃
　〃Violet　is　our　version　of　your　Nathaniel；　the　least　dominant　of　us。〃　He　left　it　at　that；　as　if　it　explained　everything。　It　did；　and　it　didn't。
　〃And？〃　I　said。
　〃And　I　have　to　go　help　her。〃
　〃I　don't　like　secrets；　Micah。〃
　He　sighed；　running　his　fingers　through　his　hair。　He　ripped　the　ponytail　holder　out；　threw　it　on　the　floor；　ran　his　hands　through　the　shoulder…length　curls；　over　and　over；　as　if　he'd　been　wanting　to　do　it　all　night。　The　movement　was　harsh；　frantic　with　tension。
　He　looked　down　at　me；　dark　brown　hair　in　disarray　around　his　face；　eyes　gleaming。　In　an　instant　he　went　from　being　this　nice；　attractive　man　to　something　feral　and　alien。　It　wasn't　just　the　hair　or　the　kitty…cat　eyes。　His　beast　bubbled　against　my　skin　like　boiling　water。　I'd　felt　his　power；　but　not　like　this；　almost　hot　enough　to　scald。　Then　I　realized　that　I　could　see　that　heat；　see　it。　It　flowed　over　him；　invisible；　but　almost　not；　like　something　half…seen　out　of　the　corner　of　your　eye。　I　could　almost　see　the　shape　of　something　monstrous　looming　around　him；　like　heat　rising　off　of　summer　pavement；　a　rippling　thing。　I'd　been　around　shapeshifters　for　years　and　never　seen　anything　like　it。
　Merle　appeared　in　the　doorway。　〃Nimir…Raj；　is　anything　wrong？〃
　Micah　turned；　and　I　got　a　swimming　afterimage；　as　if　something　large　and　almost　invisible　moved　around　and　just　above　his　body。　His　voice　came　out　low　and　growling。　〃Wrong；　what　could　possibly　be　wrong？〃
　Gina　pushed　past　Merle。　〃We've　got　to　go；　Micah。〃
　Micah　put　his　hands　up；　and　the　afterimage　moved　with　him。　I　couldn't　actually　see　claws　and　fur；　just　hints　of　it；　swimming　around　him。　He　covered　his　eyes　with　his　hands；　and　I　saw　those　ghostly　claws　go　through；　into；　past　his　face。　Watching　it　made　me　dizzy；　and　I　looked　down　at　the　tabletop　to　steady　myself　and　reality。
　I'd　heard　Marianne　say　she　could　see　auras　of　power　around　people　and　lycanthropes；　but　I'd　never　been　able　to　see　one　before。
　I　felt　his　power　folding　away；　the　heat；　the　skin…ruffling　sensation　pulling　away；　like　the　ocean　going　back　from　the　shore。　I　raised　my　face　to　see；　and　that　seen…not…seen　shape　was　gone；　swallowed　back　into　his　body。
　He　stared　down　at　me。　〃You　look　like　you've　seen　a　ghost。〃
　〃You're　closer　than　you　think；〃　I　said。
　〃She's　afraid　of　your　power；〃　Gina　said；　and　there　was　scorn　in　her　voice。
　I　looked　up　at　her。　〃I　saw　his　aura；　saw　it　like　a　white　phantom　around　his　body。〃
　〃You　say　that　like　you've　never　seen　it　before；〃　Micah　said。
　〃I　haven't；　not　a　visual。〃
　Gina　took　his　arm；　gently　but　firmly；　and　tried　pulling　him　towards　the　door。　He　just　looked　at　her；　and　I　felt　his　presence；　his　personality；　for　lack　of　a　better　word；　like　something　almost　touchable。　She　dropped　to　the　floor；　gripping　his　hand；　rubbing　her　cheek　against　it。　〃I　meant　no　offense；　Micah。〃
　The　look　on　his　face　was　cold。　His　power；　his　force　began　to　trickle　through　the　room　again。
　〃Nimir…Raj；〃　Merle　said；　〃if　you　are　going；　then　you　must　go。　If　you　are　not　going　。。。　〃　His　voice　was　careful；　almost　gentle；　a　pitying　tone　of　voice；　and　I　didn't　understand　why。
　Micah　growled　at　Merle；　I　think。　Then　his　voice　came　out　normal；　human。　〃I　know　my　duty　as　Nimir…Raj；　Merle。〃
　〃I　would　never　presume　to　tell　you　the　duties　of　a　Nimir…Raj；　Micah；〃　he　said。
　Micah　suddenly　looked　tired　again；　all　that　energy　draining　away。　He　helped　Gina　to　her　feet；　though　it　looked　awkward　since　she　was　more　than　a　head　taller。　〃Let's　go。〃
　They　all　turned　towards　the　door。　〃I　hope　your　leopard　is　alright；〃　I　said。
　Micah　glanced　back。　〃Would　Nathaniel　be；　if　he'd　called　for　help？〃
　I　shook　my　head。　〃No。〃
　He　nodded　and　turned　back　for　the　door。　〃Mine　either。〃　He　hesitated　and　said　without　turning　around；　〃I'll　take　Noah　and　Gina　with　me；　but　if　it's　alright　I'll　leave　Merle　and　Caleb　here？〃
　〃Won't　you　need　them　with　you？〃
　He　looked　back；　smiling。　〃I　just　need　to　pick　up　Violet。　I　don't　need　muscle　for　that；　and　you　might　want　some　extra　muscle。〃
　〃You　mean　in　case　Jacob's　people　get　pesky？〃
　His　smile　widened。　〃Pesky；　yeah；　in　case　they　get　pesky。〃
　Then　they　were　gone　into　the　other　room；　and　I　was　left　alone　at　the　table。　Lillian　came　back　in；　her　eyes　narrowed。
　〃What？〃　I　asked。
　She　just　shook　her　head。　〃None　of　my　business。〃
　〃That's　right；〃　I　said。
　〃But　if　it　were　。。。　〃
　〃But　it's　not；〃　I　said。
　She　smiled。　〃But　if　it　were；　I'd　say　two　things。〃
　〃You're　going　to　say　them　anyway；　aren't　you？〃
　〃Yes；〃　she　said。
　I　waved　her　to　go　ahead。
　〃First；　it's　nice　to　see　you　letting　yourself　follow　your　heart　with　someone　new。　Second；　you　don't　know　this　man　very　well。　Be　careful　who　you　give　your　heart　to；　Anita。〃
　〃I　haven't　given　anyone　my　heart；　yet。〃
　〃Not　yet；〃　she　said。
　I　frowned　at　her。　〃You　do　realize　that　you've　told　me　to　follow　my　heart　and　not　to　follow　my　heart。〃
　She　nodded。
　〃Those　are　contradictory　bits　of　advice；〃　I　said。
　〃I'm　aware　of　that。〃
　〃Then　which　piece　of　advice　do　you　want　me　to　follow？〃
　〃Both；　of　course。〃
　I　shook　my　head。　〃Let's　go　save　Gregory　and　worry　about　my　ever…sordid　love　life　later。〃
　〃I　can't　promise　that　we'll　save　Gregory；　Anita。〃
　I　held　up　a　hand。　〃I　remember　the　odds；　doc。〃　I　followed　her　out　and　into　the　darkened　living　room　and　tried　to　believe；　really　believe；　in　miracles。
　
　29
　
　WE　DECIDED　TO　do　it　on　the　deck　out　back。　My　deck　backed　to　a　couple　of　acres　of　mature　woodland。　No　neighbors。　No　one　to　see　us。　The　deck　was　also　twice　the　size　of　the　kitchen；　which　was　the　only　part　of　the　house　without　carpeting。　Once　a　shapeshifter　changed　on　a　carpet　it　was　either　steam　clean　it　yourself；　or　hire　it　done。　I　was　not　the　one　who　suggested　that　Gregory　would　ruin　the　carpet；　it　was　actually　Nathaniel。　He　was；　after　all；　the　person　most　likely　to　be　vacuuming　between　housekeeper　visits。　I　wasn't　even　sure　I　knew　where　the　vacuum　was。
　Gregory　was　curled　in　the　center　of　the　deck；　his　head　in　his　brother's　lap；　his　arms　wrapped　around　the　other　man's　naked　waist。　Only　the　curling　yellow　hair；　paled　by　moonlight；　covered　Stephen's　upper　body。　He'd　stripped　to　the　waist　in　preparation　for　the　change。　He　was　going　to　go　out　into　the　woods　with　his　brother。　This　presupposed　that　Gregory　would　survive　the　change。　We　had　a　fifty…fifty　chance；　not　bad　odds；　if　all