lh.narcissusinchains-第71部分

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　I　nodded。　〃I　remember　too。〃
　Gregory　sat　up；　watching　us　both；　trying　to　read　our　lips；　I　think。　There　was　something　frantic　about　the　way　he　tried　to　decipher　what　we　were　saying。　God；　please　let　me　help　him。　He　was　so　scared。
　〃I　think　of　him　more　like　a　child；　no　offense。〃
　〃You　think　more　like　a　parent　than　a　seducer；　that's　a　good　thing；〃　Stephen　said。　〃Don't　apologize　for　it。〃
　Cherry　joined　us；　kneeling　on　her　heels；　long　body　curved　in　graceful　lines。　〃You　called　Raina　in　the　lupanar　without　any　lust；　right？〃
　I　nodded。　〃I　can　call　Raina's　munin；　sometimes　even　if　I　don't　want　to；　but　she　always　demands　a　price　before　she　leaves。〃
　〃You　didn't　seduce　anyone　at　the　lupanar　tonight；〃　she　said。
　〃No；　but　I　damn　near　started　a　fight　by　hitting　Richard；　and　that　was　part　Raina's　doing。　She　enjoyed　my　loss　of　control；　and　。。。　and　she　was　worried　about　the　pack　tonight。　She　doesn't　like　what　Richard's　done。　I　think　she　toned　down　her　demands　because　of　that。〃
　〃And　she　doesn't　care　about　us　like　she　does　the　wolves。〃
　〃No；　she　doesn't。〃
　〃What　are　you　afraid　of？〃　Stephen　asked。　〃That　you'll　molest　Gregory？〃
　I　shook　my　head。　〃No；　I'm　afraid　Raina　will。〃
　〃You　healed　Nathaniel　in　the　woods　and　didn't　do　anything　awful　to　him；〃　Cherry　said。
　〃No；　but　I　had　Richard　and　the　pack　there　to　balance　me；　to　help　me　control　her　through　the　marks。　Without　extra　help　in　that　area；　Raina's　idea　of　payment　can　get　a　little　messy。〃
　〃Define　messy；〃　Stephen　said。
　〃Sex；　violence　　〃　I　shrugged　　〃messy。〃
　〃You　have　the　pard　here　now；〃　Cherry　said。　〃You　can　use　us　for　balance。〃
　Truth　was；　without　Micah　here　I　wasn't　sure　I　could　do　that。　Just　as　Richard　was　my　door　to　the　wolves；　Micah　was　my　door　to　the　leopards。　Or　was　he？　I　was　treating　this　like　I　treated　Richard　and　Jean…Claude；　like　I　was　the　outsider　and　they　were　my　ticket　in。　But　what　if　I　really　was　the　leopard　queen？　If　I　really　was　Nimir…Ra；　then　I　should　be　able　to　do　this　without　Micah。　I　realized　the　moment　I　doubted　that；　I　was　still　hoping　I　wasn't　going　to　be　furry　next　full　moon。　No　matter　how　much　evidence　to　the　contrary；　I　still　didn't　believe　it。　Maybe　I　didn't　want　to　believe　it。　But　I　wanted　to　heal　Gregory；　that　I　did　want。
　I　looked　at　them　all　and　knew　Cherry　was　right。　If　I　was　Nimir…Ra；　then　I　had　all　I　needed　to　balance　me。　If　I　wasn't　Nimir…Ra；　then　it　wouldn't　work。　What　did　we　have　to　lose？　I　looked　at　Stephen　and　Gregory；　their　mirror　faces；　their　frightened　eyes；　and　knew　exactly　what　we　had　to　lose　if　I　didn't　try。
　I　took　the　Uncle　Mike's　sidekick　holster　plete　with　Firestar　out　of　the　front　of　my　jeans　and　looked　around。　If　I　was　going　to　be　calling　on　the　leopards；　I　didn't　want　them　having　to　worry　about　the　gun。　I　motioned　Claudia　the　wererat　over。　Since　I　was　still　kneeling；　she　towered　over　me；　only　two　inches　shorter　than　Dolph。　I　had　to　admit　it　was　impressive；　even　more　so　because　she　was　a　woman。
　I　handed　the　holstered　gun　to　her；　and　she　took　it。　〃Make　sure　no　one　gets　shot　with　it。〃
　She　frowned　down　at　me。　〃You　think　someone　is　going　to　try　and　get　the　gun？〃
　〃Me；　maybe。〃
　The　frown　deepened。　〃I　don't　understand。〃
　〃Raina's　amused　by　violence。　I　don't　want　to　be　carrying　a　gun　when　I　call　her　munin。〃
　Claudia's　eyebrows　raised。　〃You　mean　she'd　try　to　get　you　to　use　it　on　some　one？〃
　I　nodded。
　〃She's　tried　before？〃
　I　nodded　again。　〃In　Tennessee　when　I　was　practicing　with　the　munin；　yeah。〃
　Claudia　shook　her　head。　〃You　didn't　seem　that　worried　at　the　lupanar。〃
　〃I　can　call　her　once　and　be　okay；　probably。　But　if　I　call　her　too　often；　too　close　together；　it's　like　she　grows　　〃　I　hesitated　　〃stronger；　or　maybe　I　just　get　tired　of　fighting。〃
　〃She　was　a　bitch　when　she　was　alive；〃　Claudia　said。
　〃Being　dead　hasn't　changed　her　much；〃　I　added。
　The　tall　woman　shivered。　〃I'm　glad　the　wererats　don't　have　anything　like　the　munin。　The　thought　of　some　entity　inside　me　just　creeps　me　out。〃
　〃Me　too；〃　I　said。
　She　looked　down　at　me；　thoughtful　now。　〃I'll　keep　the　gun　safe。　Is　there　anything　else　Igor　and　I　can　do　to　help？〃
　I　tried　to　think　of　something；　but　only　one　thing　came　to　mind。　〃If　the　leopards　can't　control　me；　make　sure　I　don't　hurt　anyone。〃
　〃How　bad　is　this　going　to　be？〃　she　asked。
　I　shrugged。　〃Normally；　I　wouldn't　be　this　worried；　but　last　time　I　called　her　she　didn't　get　her　bit　of　flesh；　or　sex。　Hitting　Richard　made　her　happy；　but　。。。　〃　I　tried　to　explain。　〃I　called　her　three　times　in　a　row　for　practice；　without　molesting　or　hurting　anyone。　My　teacher；　Marianne；　and　I　both　thought　it　was　a　sign　that　I　was　gaining　control　of　Raina。　Then　the　fourth　time　I　called　her；　it　was　worse　than　it　had　ever　been。　You　either　pay　as　you　go　with　Raina；　or　you　end　up　owing　her；　and　owing　es　with　interest；　and　the　interest　is　hell　to　pay。〃
　〃Should　you　give　me　the　knives；　too；　then？〃　Claudia　asked。
　She　had　a　point；　no　pun　intended。　I　took　the　wrist　sheaths　off；　folded　them　up；　and　handed　them　to　her。
　〃I　thought　you　could　control　this　shit。〃　Caleb　was　standing　just　a　little　behind　and　to　one　side　of　Claudia。　He　was　looking　up　at　the　tall　woman　as　if　wondering　what　she'd　do　if　he　tried　to　climb　her。　I　almost　wanted　him　to　try；　because　I　was　pretty　sure　what　would　happen；　and　even　more　sure　that　I'd　enjoy　watching　it。　Caleb　needed　a　good　lesson　from　someone。
　〃I　can。〃
　〃Then　why　all　the　precautions？〃
　I　could　have　told　him　about　the　time　in　Tennessee　when　Raina's　munin　nearly　started　a　riot　among　Verne's　pack　in　a　sort　of　game　of　rape　tag；　with　me　as　the　rapee；　but　I　didn't。　Instead；　I　said；　〃If　you're　not　going　to　be　helpful；　stand　over　to　the　side　and　shut　the　fuck　up。〃
　He　opened　his　mouth　as　if　to　protest；　but　Merle　said；　〃Caleb；　do　what　she　says。〃　His　voice　was　quiet；　a　deep　rumble　of　sound；　but　that　mild　tone　seemed　to　work　on　Caleb　like　a　charm。
　〃Sure；　Merle；　anything　you　say。〃　He　went　to　stand　over　to　one　side；　near　Dr。　Lillian　and　Igor。
　I　glanced　at　Merle。　〃Thanks；〃　I　said。
　He　just　bowed　his　head　at　me。
　Dr。　Lillian　said；　〃I　take　this　to　mean　that　you　want　me　to　wait　on　the　injection。〃
　I　nodded。　〃Yeah。〃
　She　turned　and　walked　back　through　the　sliding　glass　doors；　into　the　darkened　house。　Everyone　else　stayed　where　they　were；　looking　at　me。　Even　Caleb；　sulking　by　the　railing　with　his　arms　crossed；　was　still　watching　the　show。
　I　slipped　my　shirt　off　and　felt　rather　than　saw　all　my　people　react；　like　wind　through　a　wheat　field；　involuntary。　I　never　undressed　in　front　of　people　unless　I　absolutely　had　to。　The　black　bra　I　was　wearing　covered　more　than　most　swim　suits；　but　there's　something　about　letting　people　see　you　in　your　underwear　that　just　makes　all　us　good　little　girls　squirm。
　〃Black　lace；　I　like　it；〃　Caleb　said。
　I　started　to　say　something；　but　Merle　beat　me　to　it。　〃Shut　up；　Caleb；　and　don't　make　me　tell　you　again。〃
　Caleb　settled　back　against　the　rail；　arms　hugging　himself；　face　crinkled　into　a　sulk　that　made　him　look　even　younger　than　he　was。
　〃Go　on；〃　Merle　said；　〃he　won't　interrupt　again。〃
　I　looked　at　him。　It　was　bad　that　he　kept　interfering。　It　undermined　my　authority；　but　since　I　wasn't　entirely　sure　I　had　any　authority　over　Caleb；　it　was　okay；　I　guess。　But　it　bugged　me。　I　just　wasn't　sure　what　to　do　about　it。
　〃I　appreciate　the　help；　but　if　our　pards　really　do　merge；　then　Caleb　is　going　to　have　to　learn　to　respect　me；　not　you。〃
　〃You　don't　want　my　help？〃　He　made　it　a　question。
　〃Priority　tonight　is　Gregory；　but　Caleb　and　I　are　going　to　have　to　e　to　an　understanding。〃
　〃Are　you　going　to　shoot　him　too？〃
　I　tried　to　read　Merle's　face　and　failed。　A　sort　of　blank　hostility　was　all　that　showed。　〃You　think　I'll　have　to？〃
　Merle　gave　a　very　small　smile。　〃Maybe。〃
　It　made　me　smile；　a　little。　〃Great；　just　what　I　need；　another　discipline　problem　in　my　pard。〃
　His　smile　vanished　like　a　hand　had　wiped　it　away。　〃We're　not　your　cats；　Anita；　not　yet。〃
　I　shrugged。　〃Whatever　you　say。〃
　〃We　are　not　yours；〃　he　said。
　I　watched　his　face　and　saw　something　cross　it　in　the　moonlight。　Maybe　if　I'd　had　better　light　I　could　have　deciphered　it。　〃Why　does　the　thought　of　me　being　in　charge　bother　you　so　much？〃
　He　shook　his　head。　〃It's　not　you　being　in　charge　that　bothers　me。〃
　〃Then　what　is　it？〃
　He　shook　his　head　again。　〃What　bothers　me　is　you　trying　to　be　in　charge　and　failing　　failing　really；　really　badly。〃
　〃I　do　my　best；　Merle；　that's　all　I　can　do。〃
　He　nodded。　〃I　believe　you；　but　I've　seen　a　lot　of　people　try　their　best　and　still　not　make　it。〃
　I　shrugged　and　let　it　go。　〃Be　pessimistic　on　your　own　time；　Merle；　we　need　a　little　hope　here；　not　negativity。〃
　〃I'll　just　shut　up　then；〃　he　said；　which　implied　that　if　he　couldn't　be　negative　he　had　nothing　to　say。　Fine　by　me。
　I　turned　back　to　Gregory　and　his　wide；　frightened　eyes。　I　touched　his　face　gently；　trying　to　ease　some　of　that　fear；　but　he　flinched　ever　so　slightly　when　I　touched　him。　You　get　enough　abuse　in　your　life；　and　you　begin　to　think　that　every　offered　hand　is　a　blow　waiting　to　strike。
　〃It'll　be　alright；　Gregory；〃　I　said。　Since　he　couldn't　hear　me；　I　must　have　been　saying　it　to　reassure　myself。　It　didn't　seem　to　do　a　damn　thing　for　Gregory。
　I　tried　to　see　Gregory　as　a　lust　object；　and　I　failed。　I　ran　my　hands　over　the　smooth　skin　of　his　back；　I　grabbed　a　handful　of　those　yellow　curls；　looked　into　those　lovely　eyes；　but　all　I　could　feel　was　pity。　All　I　could　feel　was　protective　towards　him　and　how　much　I　wanted　to　keep　him　safe。　He　was　totally　nude；　sitting　in　front　of　me；　and　he　was　lovely。　There　was　nothing　wrong　with　the　way　he　looked；　except　that　I　didn't　see　Gregory　in　that　way。　Trust　me　to　find　a　way　to　make　virtue　a　problem。
　I　turned　to　Stephen；　who　was　still　kneeling　beside　us。　〃I'm　sorry；　he's　beautiful；　but　I　want　to　hold　him；　keep　him　safe；　not　have　sex　with　him；　and　protective　instincts　are　not　going　to　get　Raina　to　e　out。〃
　Cherry　said；　〃You　simply　called　Raina　at　the　lupanar。　Why　is　this　different？〃
　I　looked　up　at　her；　standing　nude　and　fortable　against　the　deck　railing。　Zane　was　next　to　her；　clothed；　and　just　as　fortable。
　〃I　can　call　Raina；　but　I　can't　guarantee　she'll　help　me　heal　Gregory。　The　healing　usually　es　with　lust；　not