lh.narcissusinchains-第79部分

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h　was　my　usual　sleep　attire。　Though　pajamas　may　have　been　too　big　a　word　for　the　emerald　green　camisole　and　matching　short…shorts。　There　was　a　floor…length　robe　in　the　same　vibrant　green；　so　everything　was　covered；　but　Nathaniel　knew　I　hadn't　dressed　up　for　him。　Or　at　least　I　hoped　he　did。
　He　watched　me　pacing　the　room　with　careful　eyes。　We　had　crossed　a　line；　he　and　I；　and　the　mark　on　his　chest　just　kept　reminding　me　of　it。　I　didn't　think　that　Richard　would　tolerate　Nathaniel　and　me　sharing　the　bed　alone；　not　that　I　really　expected　the　three　of　us　to　bunk　together；　either。　Oh；　hell；　I　didn't　know　what　I　expected。　I　had　expected　Richard　to　e　to　me　after　his　shower。　But　he　was　a　no…show；　and　it　was　dawn；　and　I　was　tired。
　There　was　a　firm　knock　on　the　door。　I　said；　〃e　in；〃　with　my　heart　beating　a　little　too　fast。　Merle　opened　the　door；　and　I　hoped　my　disappointment　didn't　show　on　my　face。　His　own　face　registered　nothing；　so　I　couldn't　judge　what　he　saw　on　mine。
　〃The　Ulfric　is　in　the　kitchen。〃　He　did　look　unfortable　then。　〃He　is　crying。〃
　I　felt　my　eyes　widen。　〃Excuse　me？〃
　Merle　looked　down；　then　up；　almost　defiant。　〃He　has　ordered　his　bodyguard　out　of　the　room；　and　he　is　crying。　I　do　not　know　why。〃
　I　sighed。　Although　I　was　tired；　I　was　excited　at　the　thought　of　Richard　being　in　the　house；　of　him　ing　to　me；　maybe。　Instead　of　sex　we　were　going　to　have　another　session　of　hand…holding；　and　shoulder…crying。　Damn　it。
　I　felt　my　shoulders　slump　and　forced　myself　to　stand　upright　again。　I　didn't　have　to　ask　why　Merle　had　told　me。　Who　else　would　Richard　take　fort　from？　I　wasn't　even　a　hundred　percent　sure　he'd　take　fort　from　me。
　I　went　for　the　door。　Merle　held　it　open　for　me；　and　I　walked　under　his　arm　without　having　to　duck。　〃Thanks　for　telling　me；　Merle；〃　I　muttered　as　I　went　out　into　the　darkened　living　room。
　Shang…Da　was　leaning　against　the　wall　by　the　open　doorway　that　led　into　the　kitchen。　He　looked　as　unfortable　as　I'd　ever　seen　him。　He　wouldn't　meet　my　eyes。　What　was　going　on？
　Caleb　was　settled　on　the　couch　with　a　blanket　and　an　extra　pillow。　He　was　sitting　up；　the　blanket　bunched　in　his　lap。　He　was　nude　from　the　waist　up　and　probably　nude　from　the　waist　down　if　no　one　had　made　him　wear　jammies。　I　hoped　someone　had　remembered　to　put　a　sheet　on　the　couch。　He　watched　me　walk　across　the　room；　and　even　in　the　dim　light　from　the　kitchen　I　didn't　like　the　way　his　eyes　followed　me。
　〃Nice　robe；〃　he　said。
　I　ignored　him　and　went　for　the　doorway。　Richard　sat　at　the　kitchen　table；　opened　all　the　curtains　so　that　the　room　was　filled　with　the　soft　light　of　dawn。　His　shoulder…length　hair　had　been　blow…dried　to　a　soft；　fluffy　mass。　I　could　never　blow…dry　my　hair　without　it　turning　to　something　thick　and　awful…looking。　The　early　morning　light　made　his　hair　look　more　golden　than　normal；　less　brown。　He　looked　up；　and　I　realized　the　gold　glow　was　a　halo　effect　of　the　rising　sun。　It　painted　a　nimbus　of　shining　gold　around　him；　leaving　his　hair　light　brown　around　his　face；　making　the　skin　at　the　center　of　his　body　look　even　darker　than　it　was；　almost　like　it　was　in　shadow。
　I　had　a　moment　to　see　the　shine　of　tears　on　his　shadowed　face；　then　he　lowered　his　head　and　twisted　in　his　chair　so　I　couldn't　see。　The　movement　placed　more　of　his　body　in　the　burning　golden　light；　but　the　illusion　of　halos　and　shadow　was　gone。
　I　walked　to　the　table；　stood　close　enough　to　touch　his　bare　shoulder；　not　sure　if　I　should。　〃Richard；　what's　wrong？〃
　He　shook　his　head；　still　not　looking　at　me。
　I　reached　out；　touched　the　smoothness　of　his　shoulder　gently。　He　didn't　tell　me　to　go　away；　and　he　didn't　pull　away。　Okay。　I　touched　the　tears　on　the　cheek　closest　to　me；　smoothed　them　away　with　my　hand。　It　reminded　me　of　forting　Nathaniel　earlier。
　I　touched　Richard's　chin；　turned　his　face　to　me；　and　dried　the　tears　on　his　other　cheek　with　the　sleeve　of　my　robe。　〃Talk　to　me；　Richard；　please。〃
　He　smiled。　Maybe　it　was　the　〃please。〃　I　didn't　use　that　word　often。　〃I've　never　seen　this　before。〃　He　touched　the　sleeve　very　gently。
　I　wasn't　going　to　be　distracted；　not　even　by　him　noticing　what　I'd　worn　with　him　in　mind。　〃You　have　to　be　as　tired　as　I　am；　Richard。　What's　keeping　you　up？〃
　He　looked　down；　then　up；　and　there　was　such　sorrow　in　his　dark　eyes；　that　I　almost　said；　no；　don't；　but　he　needed　to　talk。　〃Louisa　is　in　jail；　and　Guy　is　dead。〃
　I　frowned。　〃I　don't　know　the　names。〃
　〃Louisa　is　one　of　our　newest　wolves。〃　He　looked　down　again；　not　meeting　my　eyes。　〃Guy　is　her　fiance　。。。　husband。　Was　her　husband。〃　He　covered　his　face　with　his　hands；　shaking　his　head　over　and　over　and　over。
　I　held　his　wrists；　lowered　his　hands　so　I　could　see　his　eyes。　〃Richard；　talk　to　me。〃
　His　hands　turned　in　my　grip；　holding　my　hands。　We　held　hands　while　I　watched　the　pain　in　his　eyes　spill　out　in　words。　〃Louisa　killed　Guy　on　their　honeymoon；　yesterday。　I　got　the　call　just　before　I　came　here。〃
　〃I　still　don't　understand。　It's　awful；　tragic；　but　。。。　〃　I　said。
　〃I　was　her　sponsor。　I　trained　her　to　control　her　beast；　and　she　lost　that　control　on　her　honeymoon　in　the　middle　of　。。。　〃　He　lowered　his　head；　and　raised　my　hands　so　that　his　forehead　rested　against　the　back　of　my　hands。
　〃She　lost　control　in　the　middle　of　sex；〃　I　finished　for　him。
　He　nodded；　his　face　still　pressed　to　my　hands。　〃Losing　her　virginity；〃　he　said；　voice　muffled；　low。
　〃Did　you　say　virginity？〃
　He　pulled　away　from　me　then；　dropped　his　hands　in　his　lap；　and　I　noticed　for　the　first　time　that　he　was　wearing　a　towel　knotted　at　his　waist。　〃Yes。〃
　〃You　mean　she'd　never　tried　to　control　her　beast　during　intercourse？〃　I　asked。
　He　shook　his　head。　〃They'd　been　engaged　for　more　than　two　years　before　Louisa　was　attacked　and　became　one　of　us。　They　both　wanted　to　wait　for　the　wedding　night。〃
　〃mendable；〃　I　said。　〃And　orgasm；　to　a　certain　extent；　is　orgasm。　If　she　could　control　herself　during　nonintercourse　orgasm；　then　she　should　have　been　able　to　control　herself　during　intercourse；　too。〃　I　touched　his　shoulder　again。　〃You　did　all　you　could　for　her。〃
　He　jerked　away　as　if　I'd　burned　him；　ing　to　his　feet　so　suddenly　that　the　chair　crashed　back　against　the　kitchen　island；　then　the　floor。　I　sensed　rather　than　saw　people　in　the　doorway。　I　said；　〃We're　alright。〃　I　turned　to　see　Shang…Da；　Merle；　and　the　two　wererats；　still　hesitating　in　the　doorway。　〃We're　alright；　go　away。〃　They　all　pulled　back；　but　I　knew　now　that　we　had　an　audience；　because　they　wouldn't　go　far。
　Richard　stood　in　the　middle　of　my　kitchen　wearing　nothing　but　a　towel　and　the　golden　first　light　of　dawn。　Normally　it　would　have　distracted　me　from　anything　reasonable；　but　not　this　morning。　The　pain　in　his　face　was　more　important　than　his　body　right　now。　Looking　at　him；　standing　there　so　defiant；　so　hurt；　I　had　an　idea；　an　awful　idea。
　〃Please　tell　me　you　don't　mean　she　wanted　to　wait　for　any　sexual　contact　until　the　honeymoon？〃
　His　chin　raised；　and　that　arrogance　tried　to　slide　over　him。　But　it　was　a　mask；　and　I　saw　through　it　now。　Underneath　he　was　scared　and　guilty。　〃I　taught　her　to　control　the　beast　during　anger；　sadness；　fear；　pain；　every　extreme　of　emotion；　but　not　sex。　I　respected　her　convictions。〃
　I　stared　at　him。　It　was　so　something　Richard　would　do。　Theoretically；　I　even　approved；　but　theory　and　practice　aren't　the　same。　In　real　life　it　had　been　a　bad　idea；　and　Richard　should　have　known　that　better　than　I　did。
　I　felt　my　face　go　blank；　empty。　It　was　a　good　cop　face。　I　didn't　want　anything　I　was　thinking　to　show　for　this。　〃So　this　Louisa　shifted　in　the　middle　of　sex　and　killed　her　husband；　and　the　cops　caught　her。〃　I　didn't　add　that　I　was　surprised　they　hadn't　shot　her　on　sight。　Finding　the　big　bad　wolf　eating　the　body　of　the　nice　little　human　would　be　cause　enough　for　shooting　to　kill。
　〃Louisa　turned　herself　in。　I　think　if　she　didn't　think　suicide　was　a　sin；　she'd　have　killed　herself。〃　He　turned　my　way　walking　to　the　sliding　glass　doors；　leaning　his　forehead　against　the　glass；　as　if　he　was　tired。
　I　wished　I　could　have　said　it　wasn't　his　fault；　but　it　was。　He　was　her　sponsor；　the　one　who　was　supposed　to　teach　her　how　to　be　a　shapeshifter。　I'd　learned　from　dealing　with　the　wereleopards；　and　Richard；　and　Verne's　pack　in　Tennessee　that　orgasm　of　any　kind　was　one　of　the　true　tests　of　their　control。　Orgasm　was　supposed　to　be　a　release；　but　to　truly　give　up　all　control　meant　shifting　form；　and　that　was　the　ultimate　nightmare　when　you　had　a　human　lover。　Richard　had　lectured　me　often　enough　when　we　were　dating　that　he　didn't　trust　himself　the　night　of　the　full　moon；　or　even　the　day　before。　He　didn't　fear　losing　control　and　killing　me；　just　losing　control　and　scaring　me　to　death。　Or　more　honestly；　grossing　me　out。　He　had　shifted　on　top　of　me　once；　and　that　had　had　nothing　to　do　with　sex。　And　that　one　experience　had　sent　me　running　to　Jean　Claude。　Well；　Richard　changing　on　top　of　me　and　seeing　him　eat　someone。
　I　didn't　know　what　to　say。　All　I　knew　was　that　I　had　to　say　something；　that　silence　was　almost　worse　than　anything。
　He　spoke　without　turning　around。　〃Go　ahead；　Anita；　tell　me　I'm　a　fool。　Tell　me　I　sacrificed　both　of　them　on　the　altar　of　my　ideals。〃　His　voice　was　bitter　enough　to　choke　on；　just　hearing　the　pain　in　it。
　〃Louisa　and　her　husband　wanted　to　hold　true　to　who　they　were。　You　wanted　to　help　them　do　that。　It's　perfectly；　logically　you。〃　My　voice　was　empty；　but　at　least　it　wasn't　reproachful。　It　was　the　best　I　could　do。　Because　it　was　a　waste；　a　waste　because　Richard　and　the　girl　and　her　fiance　had　been　more　worried　about　appearance　than　reality。　Or　maybe　I'm　just　cynical；　and　tired；　oh；　so　tired。
　It　was　like　any　really　good　tragedy　　entirely　dependent　on　the　personalities　of　the　people　involved。　If　Richard　had　been　more　practical　and　less　idealistic；　if　Louisa　and　her　late　husband　had　been　less　religious；　less　pure；　hell；　if　the　husband　really　brought　her　to　orgasm　with　just　intercourse；　then　if　he'd　only　been　less　talented。　So　many　things　had　gone　into　making　all　the　good　intentions　go　horribly　wrong。
　〃Yes；　it　was　perfectly；　logically　me；　and　I　was　wrong。　I　should　have　at　least　forced　her　to　have　her　first　experience　with　Guy　where　the　pack　could　oversee　it；　save　him。　But　Louisa　was　so