lh.narcissusinchains-第83部分

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　〃I'm　sorry；〃　he　said。　〃I　didn't　mean　to　ruin　the　mood。〃　He　smiled　suddenly　and　looked　younger；　more　relaxed　than　I'd　seen　him　in　a　long　time。　〃I'm　just　glad　to　be　with　someone　I　don't　have　to　worry　about　hurting。〃
　I　had　to　smile　at　him。　〃I'm　not　hurt；　but　we　might　have　to　try　something　a　little　more　gentle　this　morning。〃
　The　humor　faded；　and　something　else　filled　his　eyes；　as　he　lowered　his　face　for　another　kiss。　He　spoke　as　he　moved　towards　me。　〃I　think　we　can　e　up　with　something。〃　He　kissed　my　lips；　then　worked　one　kiss　at　a　time　down　my　neck；　my　shoulders。　He　got　distracted　at　my　breasts；　covering　them　in　kisses；　his　tongue　licking　a　quick；　wet　line　across　one　nipple。　He　cupped　one　breast　in　his　hands；　holding　it　in　the　circle　of　his　warmth；　sliding　his　mouth　over　the　nipple；　taking　as　much　of　the　breast　into　his　mouth　as　he　could。　He　sucked　me　into　his　mouth　until　he　held　over　half　my　breast　in　the　wet　warmth。　And　with　that　touch；　the　ardeur　flared　up　through　my　body　from　wherever　it　had　been　hiding。
　Richard　drew　back　from　my　breast；　hands　still　cradling　it。　〃What　was　that？〃　There　were　goosebumps　on　his　arms。
　〃The　ardeur；〃　I　said；　voice　soft。
　He　licked　his　lips；　and　I　saw　real　fear　in　his　eyes。　〃Jean…Claude　told　me　about　it；　even　let　me　feel　his　own　version　of　it；　but　I　didn't　really　believe　it。　I　don't　think　I　wanted　to　believe　it。〃
　My　beast　had　awoken　with　the　ardeur；　as　if　one　hunger　fed　the　other。　I　felt　it　uncurl　inside　me　and　stretch　for　all　the　world；　like　some　great　cat　waking　from　a　nap。　It　rolled　through　me；　reaching　out　to　Richard；　and　his　beast　woke　to　it。　One　hand　was　on　the　solid　warmth　of　his　chest；　but　I　could　feel　something　else　in　there；　something　moving　around　as　if　his　chest　were　hollow　and　there　was　something　caged　inside。
　He　gripped　my　hand；　moved　it　back　from　his　chest。　〃What　are　you　doing？〃
　〃The　ardeur　calls　to　our　beasts；　Richard。〃　I　snuggled　down　underneath　him；　my　hand　sliding　down　his　body；　tracing　the　flatness　of　his　stomach；　the　curve　of　his　hip。　He　grabbed　my　hand　just　before　I　could　touch　him。　He　had　both　my　hands　now；　trapped　in　his　larger　ones。　It　didn't　bother　me；　because　I　knew　that　I　could　touch　him　with　things　other　than　my　hands；　or　even　my　body。　I　remembered　the　feel　of　his　beast　thrusting　through　me；　and　I　spilled　mine　into　him　in　a　hot　push　of　energy。
　He　jumped　off　of　me；　rolled　out　of　the　bed　in　a　movement　that　was　almost　too　quick　to　follow　with　the　eyes。　He　stood　by　the　bed；　breath　ing　in　ragged　gasps；　as　if　he'd　been　running。　I　could　feel　his　fear　like　fine　champagne。　It　added　to　the　sex；　brought　me　to　my　knees；　to　crawl　from　the　tangle　of　covers　to　the　edge　of　the　bed。　I　could　smell　how　warm　he　was；　the　scent　of　his　skin　came　to　me　on　the　air；　the　faint　sweetness　of　the　cologne　he'd　put　on　the　day　before。　My　gaze　wandered　over　the　beauty　of　him。　His　sleep…tousled　hair　hung　in　a　heavy　mass　over　one　side　of　his　face。　He　brushed　the　thickness　of　it　back　from　his　face　with　one　hand　and　a　toss　of　his　head；　and　that　one　simple　movement　made　things　low　in　my　body　tighten。　But　underneath　the　sex　was　the　thought　of　what　all　that　smooth；　hard　skin　would　feel　like　under　my　teeth。　I　wanted　to　mark　him　as　I'd　marked　Nathaniel。　I　wanted　to　sink　my　teeth　into　his　flesh　and　bite。　I　had　a　flash　of　what　it　felt　like　to　taste　him　like　so　much　meat；　to　feel　his　body　respond；　not　just　to　the　sex　but　to　the　hunger；　and　I　knew　for　the　first　time　why　shapeshifters　spoke　of　the　hunger　like　it　should　be　in　all　capital　letters。　Raina　had　risen　her　lascivious　head。　The　ardeur　overrode　or　overpowered　her；　but　she　was　there；　supplying　images　to　the　things　I　was　feeling。　I　slid　off　the　bed；　and　Richard　backed　up。
　I　could　see　his　pulse　in　his　neck；　beating　like　a　trapped　thing。　His　beast　was　trapped；　too；　trapped　by　his　control；　his　fear。　I　could　feel　it；　as　if　it　were　literally　pacing　inside　his　body；　like　a　wolf　in　a　cage　at　the　zoo；　pacing；　pacing；　never　free。　It　might　be　a　large；　roomy　cage；　but　it　was　still　a　cage。　Raina　gave　me　a　visual　that　drove　me　to　my　knees。　I　saw　Richard　pinned　under　my　body；　chained　to　a　bed；　and　when　he　came　inside　me；　he　shifted　at　the　same　moment。　That　was　release　for　the　shapeshifters；　anything　else　was　holding　back。
　Richard　knelt　in　front　of　me。　〃Are　you　alright？〃　He　touched　my　arm；　and　that　was　a　bad　thing。　My　beast　roared　across　our　skins；　hit　his　in　a　blow　that　I　felt　physically　in　my　stomach　and　ribs；　like　a　punch。　It　staggered　Richard；　made　him　fall　forward　into　me；　and　we　clung　for　a　second；　arms　around　each　other；　our　bodies　pressed　together。　The　ardeur　flared　over　us　like　invisible　flame；　and　we　knelt　in　the　heart　of　that　fire　like　the　wick　of　a　candle。　His　heart　beat　against　my　arms；　where　they　lay　pressed　to　his　chest；　as　if　my　skin　had　bee　a　drum　and　he　beat　inside　me；　filled　me　with　the　rhythm　of　his　body。　My　own　heartbeat　found　a　home　inside　Richard's　body。　We　were　filled　with　the　rise　and　fall；　the　pulse　and　beat　of　each　other；　until　I　couldn't　tell　whose　heart　was　in　my　chest；　whose　blood　rushed　through　us。　For　a　trembling　moment　we　pressed　above　one　another；　as　if　our　skin　would　give　way　and　we　would　finally　be　what　the　marks　had　promised　　one　being；　one　body；　one　soul。　The　power　broke　apart；　as　Richard　struggled　against　it；　like　a　drowning　man；　breaking　apart　the　power　like　arms　shatter　water；　you　can　move　it；　disrupt　it；　but　it　flows　back　around　you；　swells　over　you；　engulfs　you。　Richard　screamed；　and　I　felt　him　fall　back。
　I　opened　my　eyes　as　his　hand　pulled　away；　and　my　hand　tried　to　hold　him。　His　hand　was　almost　free；　only　his　fingers　still　caught　in　mine；　when　the　ardeur　pressed　around　us；　and　I　knew　his　control　was　fragile　enough　that　I　would　feed。　I　felt　his　confusion；　felt　him　struggling　to　decide　what　to　hold　on　to　and　what　to　let　go。　I　realized　that　the　shields　had　e　down　long　ago；　because　he　couldn't　hold　the　marks　closed；　keep　himself　in　human　form；　and　keep　me　from　feeding；　all　at　the　same　time。　He　screamed　again；　and　I　felt　Richard　decide；　felt　the　conscious　choice　of　the　lesser　evil。　He　shoved　his　beast　down；　down；　deep　inside　himself；　and　he　shut　the　marks　between　us　like　slamming　a　door。　It　was　so　sudden　that　it　felt　like　the　world　had　lurched。　I　had　a　moment　of　dizziness；　was　almost　sick；　then　the　ardeur　rode　over　us；　through　us；　like　a　thundering　thing　to　trample　us　both　underfoot；　until　we　were　just　flesh；　bone；　blood；　just　meat；　just　need。　I　saw　Richard's　back　arch；　his　head　fling　back；　and　through　the　ardeur　I　felt　the　growing　pressure；　tightness　in　his　body；　seconds　before　hot　release　spilled　over　him；　and　I　held　his　hand　while　his　body　rocked　with　the　strength　of　it；　and　the　pleasure　of　it　drew　me　to　my　knees；　almost　as　if　the　power　itself　lifted　me　up　for　a　second；　held　me；　rocked　me；　and　I　fed；　I　fed；　and　fed；　and　fed；　until　we　were　left　lying　on　the　floor；　sweat…covered；　breathing　in　gasps；　our　hands　still　locked　together。
　Richard　pulled　away　first。　He　lay　there；　eyes　unfocused；　breathing　labored；　his　heart　beating　too　fast；　filling　his　throat。　He　swallowed　hard　enough　that　it　sounded　like　it　hurt。　I　felt　weighted；　heavy　with　the　feeding；　almost　like　I　could　sleep　again；　like　a　snake　after　a　big　meal。
　Richard　found　his　voice　first。　〃You　had　no　right　to　feed　off　me。〃
　〃I　thought　that　was　the　idea　of　you　staying　until　morning；〃　I　said。
　He　sat　up　slowly；　as　if　he　were　stiff　now。　〃It　was。〃
　〃You　never　said　no。〃　I　rolled　onto　my　side；　but　didn't　try　and　sit　up　yet。
　He　nodded。　〃I　know　that。　I'm　not　blaming　you。〃
　He　was；　but　at　least　he　was　trying　not　to。　〃You　could　have　stopped　me；　Richard。　All　you　had　to　do　was　either　leave　the　marks　open　between　us　or　let　your　beast　go。　You　could　have　held　the　ardeur　out。　You　made　your　choice　on　what　to　control。〃
　〃I　know　that；　too。〃　But　he　wouldn't　look　at　me。
　I　propped　myself　up　on　my　arms；　almost　sitting。　〃Then　what's　wrong？〃
　He　shook　his　head　and　got　to　his　feet。　He　was　a　little　unsteady；　but　he　went　for　the　door。　〃I'm　leaving；　Anita。〃
　〃You　make　that　sound　awfully　permanent；　Richard。〃
　He　turned　and　looked　at　me。　〃No　one　feeds　off　me；　no　one。〃
　He'd　closed　himself　so　tight　that　I　couldn't　tell　what　he　was　feeling；　but　it　was　plain　on　his　face。　Pain。　His　eyes　held　some　deep　pain；　and　he'd　pulled　so　far　away　in　his　mind；　his　heart；　that　I　couldn't　tell　what　it　was；　only　that　it　hurt　him。
　〃So；　you　won't　be　here　tomorrow　morning　when　the　ardeur　es　again？〃　My　voice　sounded　almost　neutral　when　I　asked。
　He　shook　his　head；　all　that　heavy　hair　sliding　around　his　shoulders。　His　hand　was　on　the　doorknob；　his　body　turned　away　enough　that　he　hid　himself　from　me　as　much　as　he　could。　〃I　can't　do　this　again；　Anita。　For　God's　sake；　you　have　the　same　rule。　No　one　feeds　on　you　either。〃
　I　sat　up；　arms　wrapping　around　my　knees；　holding　them　tight　to　my　chest。　I　guess　I　was　covering　my　nakedness；　too。　〃You've　felt　the　ardeur　now；　Richard。　If　I　can't　feed　off　of　you；　then　who？　Who　do　you　want　me　to　share　this　with？〃
　〃Jean…Claude　。。。　〃　But　his　voice　dropped　off　before　he　could　finish。
　〃It's　a　little　after　noon　and　he's　still　dead　to　the　world。　He　won't　wake　in　tune　to　share　the　ardeur　with　me。〃
　His　hand　tightened　on　the　doorknob　hard　enough　for　me　to　see　the　muscles　in　his　arm　tense。　〃The　Nimir…Raj；　then。　I'm　told　you've　already　fed　on　him　once　anyway。〃
　〃I　don't　know　Micah　that　well；　Richard。〃　I　took　a　deep　breath　and　said；　〃I　don't　love　him；　Richard。　I　love　you。　I　want　you。〃
　〃You　want　to　feed　off　me？　You　want　me　to　be　your　cow？〃
　〃No；〃　I　said；　〃no。〃
　〃I　am　not　food；　Anita；　not　for　you　or　anyone　else。　I　am　Ulfric　of　the　Thronnos　Rokke　Clan；　and　I　am　not　cattle。　I　am　the　thing　that　eats　the　cattle。〃
　〃If　you　had　shifted；　then　you　could　have　blocked　the　ardeur；　kept　me　from　feeding；　why　didn't　you？〃
　He　leaned　his　forehead　against　the　door。　〃I　don't　know。〃
　〃Honesty；　Richard；　at　least　with　yourself。〃
　He　turned　then；　and　his　anger　flared　across　my　skin　like　a　whip。　〃You　want　honesty；　fine；　we　can　have　honesty。　I　hate　what　I　am。　I　want　a　life；　Anita。　I　want　a　real　life。　I　want　free　of　all　this　shit。　I　don't　want　to　be　Ulfric。　I　don't　want　to　be　a　werewolf。　I　just　want　a　life。〃
　〃You　have　a　life；　Richard；　it's　just　not　the　life　you　t