brideshead+revisited-第19部分

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ear　all　that。　A　woman　has　not　all　these　ways　of　loving。
　　　　'Now　Alex　is　very　fond　of　me　and　I　protect　him　from　his　own　innocence。　We　are　fortable。
　　　　'Sebastian　is　in　love　with　his　own　childhood。　That　will　make　him　very　unhappy。　His　teddy…bear；　his　nanny　and　he　is　nineteen　years　old。。。　'
　　　　She　stirred　on　her　sofa；　shifting　her　weight　so　that　she　could　look　down　at　the　passing　boats；　and　said　in　fond；　mocking　tones：　'How　good　it　is　to　sit　in　the　shade　and　talk　of　love；'　and　then　added　with　a　sudden　swoop　to　earth；　'Sebastian　drinks　too　much。'
　　　　'I　suppose　we　both　do。'
　　　　'With　you　it　does　not　matter。　I　have　watched　you　together。　With　Sebastian　it　is　different。　He　will　be　a　drunkard　if　someone　does　not　e　to　stop　him。　I　have　known　so　many。　Alex　was　nearly　a　drunkard　when　he　met　me；　it　is　in　the　blood。　I　see　it　in　the　way　Sebastian　drinks。　It　is　not　your　way。'

　　　　We　arrived　in　London　on　the　day　before　term　began。　On　the　way　from　Charing　Cross　I　dropped　Sebastian　in　the　forecourt　of　his　mother's　house；　'Here　is　〃Marchers〃；'　he　said　with　a　sigh　which　meant　the　end　of　a　holiday。　'I　won't　ask　you　in；　the　place　is　probably　full　of　my　family。　We'll　meet　at　Oxford'；　I　drove　across　the　park　to　my　home。
　　　　My　father　greeted　me　with；　his　usual　air　of　mild　regret。
　　　　'Here　today；'　he　said；　'gone　tomorrow。　I　seem　to　see　very　little　of　you。　Perhaps　it　is　dull　for　you　here。　How　could　it　be　otherwise？　You　have　enjoyed　yourself。'
　　　　'Very　much。　I　went　to　Venice。'
　　　　'Yes。　Yes。　I　suppose　so。　The　weather　was　fine？'　When　he　went　to　bed　after　an　evening　of　silent　study；　he　paused　to　ask：　'The　friend　you　were　so　much　concerned　about；　did　he　die？'
　　　　'No。'
　　　　'I　am　very　thankful。　You　should　have　written　to　tell　me。　I　worried　about　him　so　much。'

＇5＇

'IT　is　typical　of　Oxford；'　I　said；　'to　start　the　new　year　in　autumn。'
　　　　Everywhere；　on　cobble　and　gravel　and　lawn；　the　leaves　were　falling　and　in　the　college　gardens　the　smoke　of　the　bonfires　joined　the　wet　river　mist；　drifting　across　the　grey　walls；　the　flags　were　oily　underfoot　and　as；　one　by　one；　the　lamps　were　lit　in　the　windows　round　the　quad；　the　golden　lights　were　diffuse　and　remote；　new　figures　in　new　gowns　wandered　through　the　twilight　under　the　arches　and　the　familiar　bells　now　spoke　of　a　year's　memories。
　　　　The　autumnal　mood　possessed　us　both　as　though　the　riotous　exuberance　of　June　had　died　with　the　gillyflowers　whose　scent　at　my　windows　now　yielded　to　the　damp　leaves；　smouldering　in　a　corner　of　the　quad。
　　　　It　was　the　first　Sunday　evening　of　term。
　　　　'I　feel　precisely　one　hundred　years　old；'　said　Sebastian。
　　　　He　had　e　up　the　night　before；　a　day　earlier　than　I；　and　this　was　our　first　meeting　since　we　parted　in　the　taxi。
　　　　'I've　had　a　talking　to　from　Mgr　Bell　this　afternoon。　That　makes　the　fourth　since　I　came　up　…　my　tutor；　the　junior　dean；　Mr　Samgrass　of　All　Souls；　and　now　Mgr　Bell。'
　　　　'Who　is　Mr　Samgrass　of　All　Souls？'
　　　　'Just　someone　of　mummy's。　They　all　say　that　I　made　a　very　bad　start　last　year；　that　I　have　been　noticed；　and　that　if　I　don't　mend　my　ways　I　shall　get　sent　down。　How　does　one　mend　one's　ways？　I　suppose　one　joins　the　League　of　Nations　Union；　and　reads　the　Isis　every　week；　and　drinks　coffee　in　the　morning　at　the　Cadena　caf？　and　smokes　a　great　pipe　and　plays　hockey　and　goes　out　to　tea　on　Boar's　Hill　and　to　lectures　at　Keble；　and　rides　a　bicycle　with　a　little　tray　full　of　notebooks　and　drinks　cocoa　in　the　evening　and　discusses　sex　seriously。　Oh；　Charles；　what　has　happened　since　last　term？　I　feel　so　old。'
　　　　'I　feel　middle…aged。　That　is　infinitely　worse。　I　believe　we　have　had　all　the　fun　we　can　expect　here。'
　　　　We　sat　silent　in　the　firelight　as　darkness　fell。
　　　　'Anthony　Blanche　has　gone　down。'
　　　　'Why？'
　　　　'He　wrote　to　me。　Apparently　he's　taken　a　flat　in　Munich　…　he　has　formed　an　attachment　to　a　policeman　there。'
　　　　'I　shall　miss　him。'
　　　　'I　suppose　I　shall；　too；　in　a　way。'
　　　　We　fell　silent　again　and　sat　so　still　in　the　firelight　that　a　man　who　came　in　to　see　me；　stood　for　a　moment　in　the　door　and　then　went　away　thinking　the　room　empty。
　　　　'This　is　no　way　to　start　a　new　year；'　said　Sebastian；　but　this　sombre　October　evening　seemed　to　breathe　its　chill；　moist　air　over　the　succeeding…weeks。　All　that　term　and　all　that　year　Sebastian　and　I　lived　more　and　more　in　the　shadows　and；　like　a　fetish；　hidden　first　from　the　missionary　and　at　length　forgotten；　the　toy　bear；　Aloysius；　sat　unregarded　on　the　chest…of…drawers　in　Sebastian's　bedroom。
　　　　There　was　a　change　in　both　of　us。　We　had　lost　the　sense　of　discovery　which　had　infused　the　anarchy　of　our　first　year。　I　began　to　settle　down。
　　　　Unexpectedly；　I　missed　my　cousin　Jasper；　who　had　got　his　first　in　Greats　and　was　now　cumbrously　setting　about　a　life　of　public　mischief　in　London；　I　needed　him　to　shock；　without　that　massive　presence　the　college　seemed　to　lack　solidity；　it　no　longer　provoked　and　gave　point　to　outrage　as　it　had　done　in　the　summer。　Moreover；　I　had　e　back　glutted　and　a　little　chastened；　with　the　resolve　to　go　slow。　Never　again　would　I　expose　myself　to　my　father's　humour；　his　whimsical　persecution　had　convinced　me；　as　no　rebuke　could　have　done；　of　the　folly　of　living　beyond　my　means。　I　had　had　no　talking…to　this　term；　my　success　in　History　Previous　and　a　beta　minus　in　one　of　my　Collections　papers　had　put　me　on　easy　terms　with　my　tutor　which　I　managed　to　maintain　without　undue　effort。
　　　　I　kept　a　tenuous　connection　with　the　History　School；　wrote　my　two　essays　a　week；　and　attended　an　occasional　lecture。　Besides　this　I　started　my　second　year　by　joining　the　Ruskin　School　of　Art；　two　or　three　mornings　a　week　we　melt；　about　a　dozen　of　us　…　half；　at　least；　the　daughters　of　north　Oxford　among　the　casts　from　the　antique　at　the　Ashmolean　Museum；　twice　a　week　we　drew　from　the　nude　in　a　small　room　over　a　teashop；　some　pains　were　taken　by　the　authorities　to　exclude　any　hint　of　lubricity　on　these　evenings；　and　the　young　woman　who　sat　to　us　was　brought　from　London　for　the　day　and　not　allowed　to　reside　in　the　University　city；　one　flank；　that　nearer　the　oil　stove；　I　remember；　was　always　rosy　and　the　other　mottled　and　puckered　as　though　it　had　been　plucked。　There；　in　the　smell　of　the　oil　lamp；　we　sat　astride　the　donkey　stools　and　evoked　a　barely　visible　wraith　of　Trilby。　My　drawings　were　worthless；　in　my　own　rooms　I　designed　elaborate　little　pastiches；　some　of　which；　preserved　by　friends　of　the　period；　e　to　light　occasionally　to　embarrass　me。
　　　　We　were　instructed　by　a　man　of　about　my　age；　who　treated　us　with　defensive　hostility；　he　wore　very　dark　blue　shirts；　a　lemon…yellow　tie；　and　horn…rimmed　glasses；　and　it　was　largely　by　reason　of　this　warning　that　I　modified　my　own　style　of　dress　until　it　approximated　to　what　my　cousin　jasper　would　have　thought　suitable　for　country…house　visiting。　Thus　soberly　dressed　and　happily　employed　I　became　a　fairly　respectable　member　of　my　college。
　　　　With　Sebastian　it　was　different。　His　year　of　anarchy　had　filled　a　deep；　interior　need　of　his；　the　escape　from　reality；　and　as　he　found　himself　increasingly　hemmed　in；　where　he　once　felt　himself　free；　he　became　at　times　listless　and　morose；　even　with　me。

　　　　We　kept　very　much　to　our　own　pany　that　term；　each　so　much　bound　up　in　the　other　that　we　did　not　look　elsewhere　for　friends。　My　cousin　Jasper　had　told　me　that　it　was　normal　to　spend　one's　second　year　shaking　off　the　friends　of　one's　first；　and　it　happened　as　he　said。　Most　of　my　friends　were　those　I　had　made　through　Sebastian；　together　we　shed　them　and　made　no　others。　There　was　no　renunciation。　At　first　we　seemed　to　see　them　as　often　as　ever；　we　went　to　parties　but　gave　few　of　our　own。　I　was　not　concerned　to　impress　the　new　freshmen　who；　like　their　London　sisters　were　here　being　launched　in　Society；　there　were　strange　faces　now　at　every　party　and　I；　who　a　few　months　back　had　been　voracious　of　new　acquaintances；　now　felt　surfeited；　even　our　small　circle　of　intimates；　so　lively　in　the　summer　sunshine；　seemed　dimmed　and　muted　now　in　the　pervading　fog；　the　river…borne　twilight　that　softened　and　obscured　all　that　year　for　me。　Anthony　Blanche　had　taken　something　away　with　him　when　he　went；　he　had　locked　a　door　and　hung　the　key　on　his　chain；　and　all　his　friends；　among　whom　he　had　always　been　a　stranger；　needed　him　now。
　　　　The　Charity　matin閑　was　over；　I　felt；　the　impresario　had　buttoned　his　astrakhan　coat　and　taken　his　fee　and　the　disconsolate　ladies　of　the　pany　were　without　a　leader。　Without　him　they　forgot　their　cues　and　garbled　their　lines；　they　needed　him　to　ring　the　curtain　up　at　the　right　moment；　they　needed　him　to　direct　the　lime…lights　they　needed　his　whisper　in　the　wings；　and　his　imperious　eye　on　the　leader　of　the　band；　without　him　there　were　no　photographers　from　the　weekly　press；　no　prearranged　goodwill　and　expectation　of　pleasure。　No　stronger　bond　held　them　together　than　mon　service；　now　the　gold　lace　and　velvet　were　packed　away　and　returned　to　the　costumier　and　the　drab　uniform　of　the　day　put　on　in　its　stead。　For　a　few　happy　hours　of　rehearsal；　for　a　few　ecstatic　minutes　of　performance；　they　had　played　splendid　parts；　their　own　great　ancestors；　the　famous　paintings　they　were　thought　to　resemble；　now　it　was　over　and　in　the　bleak　light　of　day　they　must　go　back　to　their　homes；　to　the　husband　who　came　to　London　too　often；　to　the　lover　who　lost　at　cards；　and　to　the　child　who　grew　too　fast。
　　　　Anthony　Blanche's　set　broke　up　and　became　a　bare　dozen　lethargic；　adolescent　Englishmen。　Sometimes　in　later　life　they　would　say：　'Do　you　remember　that　extraordinary　fellow　we　used　all　to　know　at　Oxford　…　Anthony　Blanche？　I　wonder　what　became　of　him。'　They　lumbered　back　into　the　herd　from　which　they　had　been　so　capriciously　chosen　and　grew　less　and　less　individually　recognizable。　The　change　was　not　so　apparent　to　them　as　to　us；　and　they　still　congregated　on　occasions　in　our　rooms；　but　we　gave　up　seeking　them。　Instead　we　formed　the　taste　for　lower　pany　and　spent　our　evenings；　as　often　as　not；　in　Hogarthian　little　inns　in　St　Ebb's　and　St　Clement's　and　the　streets　between　the　old　market　and　the　canal；　where　we　managed　to　be　gay　and　were；　I　believe；　well　liked　by　the　pany。　The　Gardener's　Arms　and　the　Nag's　Head；　the　Druid's　Head　near　the　theatre；　and　the　Turf　in