brideshead+revisited-第42部分
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said； were unhappy together。 Rex was not prospering quite as well as had been predicted； he remained on the fringe of the Government； prominent but vaguely suspect。 He lived among the very rich； and in his speeches seemed to incline to revolutionary policies； flirting； with munists and Fascists。 I heard the Mottrams' names in conversation； I saw their faces now and again peeping from the Tatler； as I turned the pages impatiently waiting for someone to e； but they and I had fallen apart； as one could in England and only there； into separate worlds； little spinning planets of personal relationship； there is probably a perfect metaphor for the process to be found in physics； from the way in which； I dimly apprehend； particles of energy group and regroup themselves in separate magnetic systems； a metaphor ready to hand for the man who can speak of these things with assurance； not for me； who can only say that England abounded in these small panies of intimate friends； so that； as in this case of Julia and myself； we could live in the same street in London； see at times； a few miles distant； the rural horizon； could have a liking one for the other； a mild curiosity about the other's fortunes； a regret； even； that we should be separated； and the knowledge that either of us had only to pick up the telephone and speak by the other's pillow； enjoy the intimacies of the levee； ing in； as it were； with the morning orange juice and the sun； yet be restrained from doing so by the centripetal force of our own worlds； and the cold； interstellar space between them。
My wife； perched on the back of the sofa in a litter of cellophane and silk ribbons； continued telephoning； working brightly through the passenger list。。。'Yes； do of course bring him； I'm told he's sweet。。。Yes； I've got Charles back from the wilds at last； isn't it lovely。。。What a treat seeing your name in the list！ It's made my trip。。。darling； we were at the Savoy…Carlton； too； how can we have missed you？'。。。Sometimes she turned to me and said： 'I have to make sure you're still really there。 I haven't got used to it yet。'
I went up and out as we steamed slowly down the river to one of the great glass cases where the passengers stood to watch the land slip by。 'Such a lot of friends；' my wife had said。 They looked a strange crowd to me； the emotions of leave…taking were just beginning to subside； some of them； who had been drinking till the last moment with those who were seeing them off； were still boisterous； others were planning where they； would have their deck chairs； the band played unnoticed … all were as restless as ants。
I turned into some of the halls of the ship； which were huge without any splendour； as though they had been designed for a railway coach and preposterously magnified。 I passed through vast bronze gates on which paper…thin Assyrian animals cavorted； I trod carpets the colour of blotting paper； the painted panels of the walls were like blotting paper； too … kindergarten work in flat； drab colours … and between the walls were yards and yards of biscuit…coloured wood which no carpenter's tool had ever touched； wood that had been bent round ers； invisibly joined strip to strip； steamed and squeezed and polished； all over the blotting…paper carpet were strewn tables designed perhaps by a sanitary engineer； square blocks of stuffing； with square holes for sitting in； and upholstered； it seemed； in blotting paper also； the light of the hall was suffused from scores of hollows； giving an even glow； casting no shadows … the whole place hummed from its hundred ventilators and vibrated with the turn of the great engines below。
'Here I am；' I thought； 'back from the jungle； back from the ruins。 Here where wealth is no longer gorgeous and power has no dignity。 Quomodo sedet sola civitas' （for I had heard that great lament； which Cordelia once quoted to me in the drawing…room of Marchmain House； sung by a half…caste choir in Guatemala； nearly a year ago）。
A steward came up to me。
'Can I get you anything； sir？'
'A whisky and soda； not iced。'
'I'm sorry； sir； all the soda is iced。'
'Is the water iced； too？'
'Oh yes； sir。'
'Well； it； doesn't matter。'
He trotted off； puzzled； soundless in the pervading hum。
'Charles。'
I looked behind me。 Julia was sitting in a cube of blotting paper； her hands folded in her lap； so still that I had passed by without noticing her。
'I heard you were here。 Celia telephoned to me。 It's delightful。'
'What are you doing？'
She opened the empty hands in her lap with a little eloquent gesture。 'Waiting。 My maid's unpacking； she's been so disagreeable ever since we left England。 She's plaining now about my cabin。 I can't think why。 It seems a lap to me。'
The steward returned with whisky and two jugs； one of iced water； the other of boiling water； I mixed them to the rig ht temperature。 He watched and said： 'I'll remember that's how you take it； sir。'
Most passengers had fads； he was paid to fortify their self…esteem。 Julia asked for a cup of hot chocolate。 I sat by her in the next cube。
'I never see you now； ' she said。 'I never seem to see anyone I like。 I don't know why。'
But she spoke as though it were a matter of weeks rather than of years； as though； too； before our parting we had been firm friends。 It was dead contrary to the mon experience of such encounters； when time is found to have built its own defensive lines； camouflaged vulnerable points； and laid a field of mines across all but a few well…trodden paths； so that； more often than not； we can only signal to one another from either side of the tangle of wire。 Here she and I； who were never friends before； met on terms of long and unbroken intimacy。
'What have you been doing in America？'
She looked up slowly from her chocolate and； her splendid； serious eyes in mine； said： 'Don't you know？ I'll tell you about it sometimes I've been a mug。 I thought I was in love with someone； but it didn't turn out that way。' And my mind went back ten years to the evening at Brideshead； when that lovely； spidery child of nineteen； as though brought in for an hour from the nursery and nettled by lack of attention from the grown…ups； had said： 'I'm causing anxiety； too； you know；' and I had thought at the time； though scarcely； it now seemed to me； in long trousers myself； 'How important these girls make themselves with their love affairs。'
Now it was different； there was nothing but humility and friendly candour in the way she spoke。
I wished I could respond to her confidence； give some token of acceptance； but there was nothing in my last； flat； eventful years that I could share with her。 I began instead to talk of my time in the jungle； of the ic characters I had met and the lost places I had visited； but in this mood of old friendship the tale faltered and came to an end abruptly。
'I long to see the paintings；' she said。
'Celia wanted me to unpack some and stick them round the cabin for her cocktail party。 I couldn't do that。'
'No。。。is Celia as pretty as ever？ I always thought she had the most delicious looks of any girl of my year。'
'She hasn't changed。'
'You have； Charles。 So lean and grim； not at all the pretty boy Sebastian brought home with him。 Harder； too。'
'And you're softer。'
'Yes； I think so。。。and very patient now。'
She was not yet thirty； but was approaching the zenith of her loveliness； all her rich promise abundantly fulfilled。 She had lost that fashionable； spidery look； the head that I used to think quattrocento； which had sat a little oddly on her； was now part of herself and not at all Florentine； not connected in any way with painting or the arts or with anything except herself； so that it would be idle to itemize and dissect her beauty； which was her own essence； and could only be known in her and by her authority and in the love I was soon to have for her。
Time had wrought another change； too； not for her the sly； placent smile of la Gioconda； the years had been more than 'the sound of lyres and flutes'； and had saddened her。 She seemed to say： 'Look at me。 I have done my share。 I am beautiful。 It is something quite out of the ordinary； this beauty of mine。 I am made for delight。 But what do I get out of it？ Where is my reward？'
That was the change in her from ten years ago； that； indeed； was her reward； this haunting； magical sadness which spoke straight to the heart and struck silence； it was the pletion of her beauty。
'Sadder； too；' I said。
'Oh yes； much sadder。'
My wife was in exuberant spirits when； two hours later； I returned to the cabin。
'I've had to do everything。 How does it look？'
We had been given； without paying more for it； a large suite of rooms； one so large； in fact； that it was seldom booked except by directors of the line； and on most voyages； the chief purser admitted； was given to those he wished to honour。 （My wife was adept in achieving such small advantages； first impressing the impressionable with her chic and my celebrity and； superiority once firmly established； changing quickly to a pose of almost flirtatious affability。） In token of her appreciation the chief purser had； been asked to our party and he； in token of his appreciation； had sent before him the life…size effigy of a swan； moulded in ice and filled with caviar。 This chilly piece of magnificence now dominated the room； standing on a table in the centre； thawing gently； dripping at the beak into its silver dish。 The flowers of the morning delivery hid as much as possible of the panelling （for this room was a miniature of the monstrous hall above）。
'You must get dressed at once。 Where have you been all this time？'
'Talking to Julia Mottram。'
'D'you know her？ Oh； of course； you were a friend of the dipso brother。 Goodness； her glamour！'
'She greatly admires your looks； too。'
'She used to be a girl friend of Boy's。'
'Surely not？'
'He always said so。'
'Have you considered；' I asked； 'how your guests are going to eat this caviar？'
'I have。 It's insoluble。 But there's all this' … she revealed some trays of glassy titbits … 'and anyway； people always find ways of eating things a
