brideshead+revisited-第46部分

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　　　　'You　loved　him；　didn't　you？'
　　　　'Oh　yes。　He　was　the　forerunner。'
　　　　Julia　understood。
　　　　The　ship　creaked　and　shuddered；　rose　and　fell。　My　wife　called　to　me　from　the　next　room：　'Charles；　are　you　there？'
　　　　'Yes。'
　　　　'I've　been　asleep　such　a　long　while。　What　time　is　it？'
　　　　'Half　past　three。'
　　　　'It's　no　better；　is　it？'
　　　　'Worse。'
　　　　'I　feel　a　little　better；　though。　D'you　think　they'd　bring　me　some　tea　or　something　if　I　rang　the　bell？'
　　　　I　got　her　some　tea　and　biscuits　from　the　night　steward。
　　　　'Did　you　have　an　amusing　evening？'
　　　　'Everyone's　seasick。'
　　　　'Poor　Charles。　It　was　going　to　have　been　such　a　lovely　trip；　too。　It　may　be　better　tomorrow。'
　　　　I　turned　out　the　light　and　shut　the　door　between　us。
　　　　Waking　and　dreaming；　through　the　strain　and　creak　and　heave　of　the　long　night；　firm　on　my　back　with　my　arms　and　legs　spread　wide　to　check　the　roll；　and　my　eyes　open　to　the　darkness；　I　lay　thinking　of　Julia。
　　　　'。。。We　thought　papa　might　e　back　to　England　after　mummy　died；　or　that　he　might　marry　again；　but　he　lives　just　as　he　did。　Rex　and　I　often　go　to　see　him　now。　I've　grown　fond…of　him。。。　Sebastian's　disappeared　pletely。。rdelia's　in　Spain　with　an　ambulance。。。Bridey　leads　his　own　extraordinary　life。　He　wanted　to　shut　Brideshead　after　mummy　died；　but　papa　wouldn't　have　it　for　some　reason；　so　Rex　and　I　live　there　now；　and　Bridey　has　two　rooms　up　in　the　dome；　next　to　Nanny　Hawkins；　part　of　the　old　nurseries。　He's　like　a　character　from　Chekhov。　One　meets　him　sometimes　ing　out　of　the　library　or　on　the　stairs　…　I　never　know　when　he's　at　home　…　and　now　and　then　he　suddenly　es　in　to　dinner　like　a　ghost　quite　unexpectedly。
　　　　'。。。Rex's　parties！　Politics　and　money。　They　can't　do　anything　except　for　money；　if　they　walk　round　the　lake　they　have　to　make　bets　about　how　many　swans　they　see。。。sitting　up　till　two；　amusing　Rex's　girls；　hearing　them　gossip；　rattling　away　endlessly　on　the　backgammon　board　while　the　men　play　cards　and　smoke　cigars。　The　cigar　smoke。　I　can　smell　it　in　my　hair　when　I　wake　up　in　the　morning；　it's　in　my　clothes　when　I　dress　at　night。　Do　I　smell　of　it　now？　D'you　think　that　woman　who　rubbed　me；　felt　it　in　my　skin？
　　　　'。。。At　first　I　used　to　stay　away　with　Rex　in　his　friends'　houses。　He　doesn't　make　me　any　more。　He　was　ashamed　of　me　when　he　found　I　didn't　cut　the　kind　of　figure　he　wanted；　ashamed　of　himself　for　having　been　taken　in。　I　wasn't　at　all　the　article　he'd　bargained　for。　He　can't　see　the　point　of　me；　but　whenever　he's　made　up　his　mind　there　isn't　a　point　and　he's　begun　to　feel　fortable；　he　gets　a　surprise　…　some　man；　or　even　woman；　he　respects；　takes　a　fancy　to　me　and　he　suddenly　sees　that　there　is　i　whole　world　of　things　we　understand　and　he　doesn't　。。。　he　was　upset　when　I　went　away。　He'll　be　delighted　to　have　me　back。　I　was　faithful　to'　him　until　this　last　thing　came　along。　There's　nothing　like　a　good　upbringing。　Do　you　know　last　year；　when　I　thought　I　was　going　to　have　a　child；　I'd　decided　to　have　it　brought　up　a　Catholic？　I　hadn't　thought　about　religion　before；　I　haven't　since；　but　just　at　that　time；　when　I　was　waiting　for　the　birth；　I　thought；　〃That's　one　thing　I　can　give　her。　It　doesn't　seem　to　have　done　me　much　good；　but　my　child　shall　have　it。〃　It　was　odd；　wanting　to　give　something　one　had　…　lost　oneself。　Then；　in　the　end；　I　couldn't　even　give　that：　I　couldn't　even　give　her　life。　I　never　saw　her；　I　was　too　ill　to　know　what　was　going　on；　and　afterwards；　for　a　long　time；　until　now；　I　didn't　want　to　speak　about　her　…　she　was　a　daughter；　so　Rex　didn't　so　much　mind　her　being　dead。
　　　　'I've　been　punished　a　little　for　marrying　Rex。　You　see；　I　can't　get　all　that　sort　of　thing　out　of　my　mind；　quite　…　Death；　Judgement；　Heaven；　Hell；　Nanny　Hawkins；　and　the　catechism。　It　bees　part　of　oneself；　if　they　give　it　one　early　enough。　And　yet　I　wanted　my　child　to　have　it。。。now　I　suppose　I　shall　be　punished　for　what　I've　just　done。　Perhaps　that　is　why　you　and　I　are　here　together　like　this。。。part　of　a　plan。'
　　　　That　was　almost　the　last　thing　she　said　to　me　…'part　of　a　plan'　…　before　we　went　below　and　I　left　her　at　the　cabin　door。

　　　　Next　day　the　wind　had　again　dropped；　and　again　we　were　wallowing　in　the　swell。　The　talk　was　less　of　seasickness　now　than　of　broken　bones；　people　had　been　thrown　about　in　the　night；　and　there　had　been　many　nasty　accidents　on　bathroom　floors。
　　　　That　day；　because　we　had　talked　so　much　the　day　before　and　because　what　we　had　to　say　needed　few　words；　we　spoke　little。　We　had　books；　Julia　found　a　game　she　liked。　When　after　long　silences　we　spoke；　our　thoughts；　we　found；　had　kept　pace　together　side　by　side。
　　　　Once　I　said；　'You　are　standing　guard　over　your　sadness。'
　　　　'It's　all　I　have　earned。　You　said　yesterday。　My　wages。'
　　　　'An　I。O。U。　from　life。　A　promise　to　pay　on　demand。'
　　　　Rain　ceased　at　midday；　at　evening　the　clouds　dispersed　and　the　sun；　astern　of　us；　suddenly　broke　into　the　lounge　where　we　sat；　putting　all　the　lights　to　shame。
　　　　'Sunset；　'　said　Julia；　'the　end　of　our　day。'
　　　　She　rose　And；　though　the　roll　and　pitch　of　the　ship　seemed　unabated；　led　me　up　to　the　boat…deck。　She　put　her　arm　through　mine　and　her　hand　into　mine；　in　my　great…coat　pocket。　The　deck　was　dry　and　empty；　swept　only　by　the　wind　of　the　ship's　speed。　As　we　made　our　halting；　laborious　way　forward；　away　from　the　flying　smuts　of　the　smokestack；　we　were　alternately　jostled　together；　then　strained；　nearly　sundered；　arms　and　fingers　interlocked　as　I　held　the　rail　and　Julia　clung　to　me；　thrust　together　again；　drawn　apart；　then；　in　a　plunge　deeper　than　the　rest；　I　found　myself　flung　across　her；　pressing　her　against　the　rail；　warding　myself　off　her　with　the　arms　that　held　her　prisoner　on　either　side；　and　as　the　ship　paused　at　the　end　of　its　drop　as　though　gathering　strength　for　the　ascent；　we　stood　thus　embraced；　in　the　open；　cheek　against　cheek；　her　hair　blowing　across　my　eyes；　the　dark　horizon　of　tumbling　water；　flashing　now　with　gold；　stood　still　above　us；　then　came　sweeping　down　till　I　was　staring　through　Julia's　dark　hair　into　a　wide　and　golden　sky；　and　she　was　thrown　forward　on　my　heart；　held　up　by　my　hands　on　the　rail；　her　face　still　pressed　to　mine。
　　　　In　that　minute；　with　her　lips　to　my　ear　and　her　breath　warm　in　the　salt　wind；　Julia　said；　though。　I　had　not　spoken；　'Yes；　now；'　and　as　the　ship　righted　herself　and　for　the　moment　ran　into　calmer　waters；　Julia　led　me　below。
　　　　It　was　no　time　for　the　sweets　of　luxury；　they　would　e；　in　their　season；　with　the　swallow　and　the　lime　flowers。　Now　on　the　rough　water　there　was　a　formality　to　be　observed；　no　more。　It　was　as　though　a　deed　of　conveyance　of　her　narrow　loins　had　been　drawn　and　sealed。　I　was　making　my　first　entry　as　the　freeholder　of　a　property　I　would　enjoy　and　develop　at　leisure。
　　　　We　dined　that　night　high　up　in　the　ship；　in　the　restaurant；　and　saw　through　the　bow　windows　the　stars　e　out　and　sweep　across　the　sky　as　once；　I　remembered；　I　had　seen　them　sweep　across　the　sky　as　once；　I　remembered；　I　had　seen　them　sweep　above　the　towers　and　gables　of　Oxford。　The　stewards　promised　that　tomorrow　night　the　band　would　play　again　and　the　place　be　full。　We　had　better　book　now；　they　said；　if　we　wanted　a　good　table'。
　　　　'Oh　dear；'　said　Julia；　'where　can　we　hide　in　fair　weather；　we　orphans　of　the　storm？'
　　　　I　could　not　leave　her　that　night；　but　early　next　morning；　as　once　again　I　made　my　way　back　along　the　corridor；　I　found　I　could　walk　without　difficulty；　the　ship　rode　easily　on　a　smooth　sea；　and　I　knew　that　our　solitude　was　broken。

　　　　My　wife　called　joyously　from　her　cabin：　'Charles；　Charles；　I　feel　so　well。　What　do　you　think　I　am　having　for　breakfast？'
　　　　I　went　to　see。　She　was　eating　a　beef…steak。
　　　　'I've　fixed　up　for　a　visit　to　the　hairdresser　…　do　you　know　they　couldn't　take　me　till　four　o'clock　this　afternoon；　they're　so　busy　suddenly？　So　I　shan't　appear　till　the　evening；　but　lots　of　people　are　ing　in　to　see　us　this　morning；　and　I've　asked　Miles　and　Janet　to　lunch　with　us　in　our　sitting…room。　I'm　afraid　I've　been　a　worthless　wife　to　you　the　last　two　days。　What　have　you　been　up　to？'
　　　　'One　gay　evening；'　I　said；　'we　played　roulette　till　two　o'clock；　next　door　in　the　sitting…room；　and　our　host　passed　out。'
　　　　'Goodness。　It　sounds　very　disreputable。　Have　you　been　behaving；　Charles？　You　haven't　been　picking　up　sirens？'
　　　　'There　was　scarcely　a　woman　about。　I　spent　most　of　the　time　with　Julia。'
　　　　'Oh；　good。　I　always　wanted　to　bring　you　together。　She's　one　of　my　friends　I　knew　you'd　like。　I　expect　you　were　a　godsend　to　her。　She's　had　rather　a　gloomy　time　lately。　I　don't　expect　she　mentioned　it；　but。。。'　my　wife　proceeded　to　relate　a　current　version　of　Julia's　journey　to　New　York。　'I'll　ask　her　to　cocktails　this　morning；'　she　concluded。
　　　　Julia　came　among　the　others；　and　it　was　happiness　enough；　now　merely　to　be　near　her。
　　　　'I　hear　you've　been　looking　after　my　husband　for　me；'　my　wife　said。
　　　　'Yes；　we've　bee　very　matey。　He　and　I　and　a　man　whose　name　we　don't　know。'
　　　　'Mr　Kramm；　what　have　you　done　to　your　arm？'
　　　　'It　was　the　bathroom　floor；　'　said　Mr　Kramm；　and　explained　at　length　how　he　had　fallen。
　　　　That　night　the　captain　dined　at　his　table　and　the　circle　was　plete；　for　claimants　came　to　the　chairs　on　the　Bishop's　right；　two　Japanese　who　expressed　deep　interest　in　his　projects　for　world…brotherhood。　The　captain　was　full　of　chaff　at　Julia's　endurance　in　the　storm；　offering　to　engage　her　as　a　seaman；　years　of　sea…going　had　given　him　jokes　for　every　occasion。　My　wife；　fresh　from　the　beauty　parlour；　was　unmarked　by　her　three　days　of　distress；　and　in　the　eyes　of　many　seemed　to　outshine　Julia；　whose　sadness　had　gone　and　been　replaced　by　an　inmunicable　content　and　tranquillity；　inmunicable　save　to　me；　she　and　I；　separated　by　the　crowd；　sat　alone　together　close　enwrapped；　as　we　had　lain　in　each　other's　arms　the　night　before。
　　　　'There　was　a　gala　spirit　in　the　ship　that　night。　Though　it　meant　rising　at　dawn　to　pack；　everyone　was　determined　that　for　this　one　night　he　would　enjoy　the　luxury　the　storm　had　denied　him。　There　was　no　solitude。　Every　corner　of　the　ship　was　thronged；　dance　music　and　high；　excited　chatter；　stewards　darting　everywhere　with　trays　of　glasses；　the　voice　of　the　officer　in　charge　of　tombo