brideshead+revisited-第59部分

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　　　　And　we　let　the　argument　drop；　each　for　different　reasons；　thinking　it　had　been　inconclusive。
　　　　Later　Julia　said：　'I　wish　you　wouldn't　start　these　religious　arguments。'
　　　　'I　didn't　start　it。'
　　　　'You　don't　convince　anyone　else　and　you　don't　really　convince　yourself。'
　　　　'I　only　want　to　know　what　these　people　believe。　They　say　it's　all　based　on　logic。'
　　　　'If　you'd　let　Bridey　finish；　he　would　have　made　it　all　quite　logical。'
　　　　'There　were　four　of　you；'　I　said。　'Cara　didn't　know　the　first　thing　it　was　about；　and　may　or　may　not　have　believed　it；　you　knew　a　bit　and　didn't　believe　a　word；　Cordelia　knew　about　as　much　and　believed　it　madly；　only　poor　Bridey　knew　and　believed；　and　I　thought　he　made　a　pretty　poor　show　when　it　came　to　explaining。　And　people　go　round　saying；　〃At　least　Catholics　know　what　they　believe。〃　We　had　a　fair　cross…section　tonight　…　'
　　　　'Oh；　Charles；　don't　rant。　I　shall　begin　to　think　you're　getting　doubts　yourself。'

　　　　The　weeks　passed　and　still　Lord　Marchmain　lived　on。　In　June　my　divorce　was　made　absolute　and　my　former　wife　married　for　the　second　time。　Julia　would　be　free　in　September。　The　nearer　our　marriage　got；　the　more　wistfully；　I　noticed；　Julia　spoke　of　it；　war　was　growing　nearer；　too　…　we　neither　of　us　doubted　that　…　but　Julia's　tender；　remote；　it　sometimes　seemed；　desperate　longing　did　not　e　from　any　uncertainty　outside　herself；　it　suddenly　darkened；　too；　into　brief　accesses　of　hate　when　she　seemed　to　throw　herself　against　the　restraints　of　her　love　for　me　like　a　caged　animal　against　the　bars。
　　　　I　was　summoned　to　the　War　Office；　interviewed；　and　put　on　a　list　in　case　of　emergency；　Cordelia　also；　on　another　list；　lists　were　being　part　of　our　lives　once　more；　as　they　had　been　at　school。　Everything　was　being　got　ready　for　the　ing　'Emergency'。　No　one　in　that　dark　office　spoke　the　word　'war'；　it　was　taboo；　we　should　be　called　for　if　there　was　'an　emergency'　…　not　in　case　of　strife；　an　act　of　human　will；　nothing　so　clear　and　simple　as　wrath　or　retribution；　an　emergency…　something　ing　out　of　the　waters；　a　monster　with　sightless　face　and　thrashing　tail　thrown　up　from　the　depths。
　　　　Lord　Marchmain　took　little　interest　in　events　outside　his　own　room；　we　took　him　the　papers　daily　and　made　the　attempt　to　read　to　him；　but　he　turned　his　head　on　the　pillows　and　with　his　eyes　followed　the　intricate　patterns　about　him。　'Shall　I　go　on？'　'Please　do　if　it's　not　boring　you。'　But　he　was　not　listening；　occasionally　at　a　familiar　name　he　would　whisper：　'Irwin。。。I　knew　him　…　a　mediocre　fellow'；　occasionally　some　remote　ment：　'Czechs　make　good　coachmen；　nothing　else'；　but　his　mind　was　far　from　world　affairs；　it　was　there；　on　the　spot；　turned　in　on　himself；　he　had　no　strength　for　any　other　war　than　his　own　solitary　struggle　to　keep　alive。
　　　　I　said　to　the　doctor；　who　was　with　us　daily。　'He's　got　a　wonderful　will　to　live；　hasn't　he？'
　　　　'Would　you　put　it　like　that？　I　should　say　a　great　fear　of　death。'
　　　　'Is　there　a　difference？'
　　　　'Oh　dear；　yes。　He　doesn't　derive　any　strength　from　his　fear；　you　know。　It's　wearing　him　out。'
　　　　Next　to　death；　perhaps　because　they　are　like　death；　he　feared　darkness　and　loneliness。　He　liked　to　have　us　in　his　room　and　the　lights　burnt　all　night　among　the　gilt　figures；　he　did　not　wish　us　to　speak　much；　but　he　talked　himself；　so　quietly　that　we　often　could　not　hear　him；　he　talked；　I　think；　because　his　was　the　only　voice　he　could　trust；　when　it　assured　him　that　he　was　still　alive；　what　he　said　was　not　for　us；　nor　for　any　ears　but　his　own。
　　　　'Better　today。　Better　today。　I　can　see　now；　in　the　er　of　the　fireplace；　where　the　mandarin　is　holding　his　gold　bell　and　the　crooked　tree　is　in　flower　below　his　feet；　where　yesterday　I　was　confused　and　took　the　little　tower　for　another　man。　Soon　I　shall　see　the　bridge　and　the　three　storks　and　know　where　the　path　leads　over　the　hill。
　　　　'Better　tomorrow。　We　live　long　in　our　family　and　marry　late。　Seventy…three　is　no　great　age。　Aunt　Julia；　my　father's　aunt；　lived　to　be　eighty…eight；　born　and　died　here；　never　married；　saw　the　fire　on　beacon　hill　for　the　battle　of　Trafalgar；　always　called　it　〃the　New　House〃；　that　was　the　name　they　had　for　it　in　the　nursery　and　in　the　fields　when　unlettered　men　had　long　memories。　You　can　see　where　the　old　house　stood　near　the　village　church；　they　call　the　field　〃Castle　Hill〃；　Horlick's　field　where　the　ground's　uneven　and　half　of　it　is　waste；　nettle；　and　brier　in　hollows　too　deep　for　ploughing。　They　dug　to　the　foundations　to　carry　the　stone　for　the　new　house；　the　house　that　was　a　century　old　when　Aunt　Julia　was　born。　Those　were　our　roots　in　the　waste　hollows　of　Castle　Hill；　in　the　brier　and　nettle；　among　the　tombs　in　the　old　church　and　the　chantry　where　no　clerk　sings。
　　　　'Aunt　Julia　knew　the　tombs；　cross…legged　knight　and　doubleted　earl；　marquis　like　a　Roman　senator；　limestone；　alabaster；　and　Italian　marble；　tapped　the　escutcheons　with　her　ebony　cane；　made　the　casque　ring　over　old　Sir　Roger。　We　were　knights　then；　barons　since　Agincourt；　the　larger　honours　came　with　the　Georges。　They　came　the　last　and　they'll　go　the　first；　the　barony　goes　on。　When　all　of　you　are　dead　Julia's　son　will　be　called　by　the　name　his　fathers　bore　before　the　fat　days；　the　days　of　wool　shearing　and　the　wide　corn　lands；　the　days　of　growth　and　building；　when　the　marshes　were　drained　and　the　waste　land　brought　under　the　plough；　when　one　built　the　house；　his　son　added　the　dome；　his　son　spread　the　wings　and　dammed　the　river。　Aunt　Julia　watched　them　build　the　fountain；　it　was　old　before　it　came　here；　weathered　two　hundred　years　by　the　suns　of　Naples；　brought　by　man…o'…war　in　the　days　of　Nelson。　Soon　the　fountain　will　be　dry　till　the　rain　fills　it；　setting　the　fallen　leaves　afloat　in　the　basin；　and　over　the　lakes　the　reeds　will　spread　and　close。　Better　today。
　　　　'Better　today。　I　have　lived　carefully；　sheltered　myself　from　the　cold　winds；　eaten　moderately　of　what　was　in　season；　drunk　fine　claret；　slept　in　my　own　sheets；　I　shall　live　long。　I　was　fifty　when　they　dismounted　us　and　sent　us　into　the　line；　old　men　stay　at　the　base；　the　orders　said；　but　Walter　Venables；　my　manding　officer；　my　nearest　neighbour；　said：　〃You're　as　fit　as　the　youngest　of　them；　Alex。〃　So　I　was；　so　I　am　now；　if　I　could　only　breathe。
　　　　'No　air；　no　wind　stirring　under　the　velvet　canopy。　When　the　summer　es；'　said　Lord　Marchmain；　oblivious　of　the　deep　corn　and　swelling　fruit　and　the　surfeited　bees　who　slowly　sought　their　hives　in　the　heavy　afternoon　sunlight　outside　his　windows；　'when　the　summer　es　I　shall　leave　my　bed　and　sit　in　the　open　air　and　breathe　more　easily。
　　　　'Who　would　have　thought　that　all　these　little　gold　men；　gentlemen　in　their　own　country；　could　live　so　long　without　breathing？　Like　to　toads　in　the　coal；　down　a　deep　mine；　untroubled。　God　take　it；　why　have　they　dug　a　hole　for　me？　Must　a　man　stifle　to　death　in　his　own　cellars？　Plender；　Gaston；　open　the　windows。'
　　　　'The　windows　are　all　wide　open；　my　lord。'
　　　　A　cylinder　of　oxygen　was　placed　beside　his　bed；　with　a　long　tube；　a　face…piece；　and　a　little　stop…cock　he　could　work　himself。　Often　he　said：　'It's　empty…　look　nurse；　there's　nothing　es　out。'
　　　　'No；　Lord　Marchmain；　it's　quite　full；　the　bubble　here　in　the　glass　bulb　shows　that；　it's　at　full　pressure；　listen；　don't　you　hear　it　hiss？　Try　and　breathe　slowly；　Lord　Marchmain；　quite　gently；　then　you　get　the　benefit。'
　　　　'Free　as　air；　that's　what　they　say　…　〃free　as　air〃。　Now　they　bring　me　my　air　in　an　iron　barrel。'
　　　　Once　he　said：　'Cordelia；　what　became　of　the　chapel？'
　　　　'They　locked　it　up；　papa；　when　mummy　died。'
　　　　'It　was　hers；　I　gave　it　to　her。　We've　always　been　builders　in　our　family。　I　built　it　for　her；　in　the　shade　of　the　pavilion；　rebuilt　with　the　old　stones　behind　the　old　walls；　it　was　the　last　of　the　new　house　to　e；　the　first　to　go。　There　used　to　be　a　chaplain　until　the　war。　Do　you　remember　him？'
　　　　'I　was　too　young。'
　　　　'Then　I　went　away　…　left　her　in　the　chapel　praying。　It　was　hers。　It　was　the　place　for　her。　I　never　came　back　to　disturb　her　prayers。　They　said　we　were　fighting　for　freedom；　I　had　my　own　victory。　Was　it　a　crime？'
　　　　'I　think　it　was；　papa。'
　　　　'Crying　to　heaven　for　vengeance？　Is　that　why　they've　locked　me　in　this　cave；　do　you　think；　with　a　black　tube　of　air　and　the　little　yellow　men　along　the　walls；　who　live　without　breathing？　Do　you　think　that；　child？　But　the　wind　will　e　soon；　tomorrow　perhaps；　and　we'll　breathe　again。　The　ill　wind　that　will　blow　me　good。　Better　tomorrow。'
　　　　Thus；　till　mid…July；　Lord　Marchmain　lay　dying；　wearing　himself　down　in　the　struggle　to…live。　Then；　since　there　was　no　reason　to　expect　an　immediate　change；　Cordelia　went　to　London　to　see　her　women　s　organization　about　the　ing　'emergency'。　That　day　Lord　Marchmain　became　suddenly　worse。　He　lay　silent　and　quite　still；　breathing　laboriously；　only　his　open　eyes；　which　sometimes　moved　about　the　room；　gave　any　sign　of　consciousness。
　　　　'Is　this　the　end？'　Julia　asked。
　　　　'It　is　impossible　to　say；'　the　doctor　answered；　'when　he　does　die　it　will　probably　be　like　this。　He　may　recover　from　the　present　attack。　The　only　thing　is　not　to　disturb　him。　The　least　shock　will　be　fatal。'
　　　　'I'm　going　for　Father　Mackay；'　she　said。
　　　　I　was　not　surprised。　I　had　seen　it　in　her　mind　all　the　summer。　When　she　had　gone　I　said　to　the　doctor；　'We　must　stop　this　nonsense。'
　　　　He　said：　'My　business　is　with　the　body。　It's　not　my　business　to　argue　whether　people　are　better　alive　or　dead；　or　what　happens　to　them　after　death。　I　only　try　to　keep　them　alive。'
　　　　'And　you　said　just　now　any　shock　would　kill　him。　What　could　be　worse　for　a　man　who　fears　death；　as　he　does；　than　to　have　a　priest　brought　to　him　…　a　priest　he　turned　out　when　he　had　the　strength？'
　　　　'I　think　it　may　kill　him。'
　　　　'Then　will　you　forbid　it？'
　　　　'I've　no　authority　to　forbid　anything。　I　can　only　give　my　opinion。'
　　　　'Cara；　what　do　you　think？'
　　　　'I　don't　want　him　made　unhappy。　That　is　all　there　is　to　hope　for　now；　that　he'll　die　without　knowing　it。　But　I　should　like　the　priest　there；　all　the　same。'
　　　　'Will　you　try　and　persuade　Julia　to　keep　him　away　…　until　the　end？　After　that　he　can　do　no　harm。'
　　　　'I　will　ask　her　to　leave　Alex　happy；　yes。'
　　　　In　half　an　hour　Julia　was　back　w