the days of my life-第7部分

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rriage　tour；　and　subsequently；　in　quick　succession；　the　others　followed。　The　last　of　us；　my　brother　Arthur；　appeared　in　November　1860　—　well　do　I　remember　my　father　in　a　flowered　dressing…gown　telling　us　to　be　quiet　because　we　had　a　little　brother。　This　allows　nearly　sixteen　years　between　the　eldest　and　the　youngest；　including　one　who　came　into　the　world　still…born。　Although　she　had　ten　children　living；　my　mother　never　ceased　to　regret　this　boy；　and　I　remember　her　crying；　when　she　pointed　out　to　me　where　he　was　buried　in　Bradenham　churchyard。
My　mother　never　was　a　beauty　in　the　ordinary　sense　of　the　word；　but　in　youth；　to　judge　by　the　pictures　which　I　have　seen　of　her　（photographs　were　not　then　known）；　she　must　have　been　very　refined　and　charming　in　appearance；　and　indeed　remained　so　all　her　life。　Her　abilities　were　great；　taking　her　all　in　all　she　was　perhaps　the　ablest　woman　whom　I　have　known；　though　she　had　no　iron　background　to　her　character；　for　that　she　was　too　gentle。　Her　bent　no　doubt　was　literary；　and　had　circumstances　permitted　I　am　sure　she　would　have　made　a　name　in　that　branch　of　art　to　which　in　the　intervals　of　her　crowded　life　she　gravitated　by　nature。　Also　she　was　a　good　musician；　and　drew　well。　Of　her　mental　abilities　I　have　however　spoken　in　a　brief　memoir　which　I　published　as　a　preface　to　a　new　edition　of　my　mother’s　poem；　“Life　and　its　Author。”
I　think　that　the　greatest　of　her　gifts；　however；　was　that　of　conversation。　No　more　charming　panion　could　be　imagined。　Also　she　had　the　art　of　drawing　the　best　out　of　anyone　with　whom　she　might　be　talking；　as　the　sympathetic　sometimes　can　do。　In　a　minute　or　two　she　would　find　which　was　his　or　her　strongest　point　and　to　this　turn　the　conversation。　Notwithstanding　the　tumultuous　nature　of　her　life；　her　illnesses　and　other　distractions；　she　contrived　to　read　a　great　deal；　and　to　keep　herself　au　courant　with　all　thought　movements　and　the　political　affairs　of　the　day。　Further　she　did　her　very　best　to　teach　her　numerous　children　the　truths　of　religion；　and　to　lead　them　into　the　ways　of　righteousness　and　peace。　I　fear；　however；　that　at　times　we　got　beyond　her。　It　is　not　easy　for　any　woman　to　follow　and　direct　all　the　physical　and　mental　developments　of　a　huge　and　vigorous　family　who　are　continually　ing　and　going；　first　from　schools　and　elsewhere；　and　later　from　every　quarter　of　the　world。
She　never　plained；　but　I　cannot　think　that　the　life　she　was　called　upon　to　lead　was　very　congenial　to　her。　When　young　in　India；　where　at　that　time　English　ladies　were　rare；　as　was　natural　in　the　case　of　one　of　her　charm　who　was　known　also　to　be　a　considerable　heiress；　she　was　much　sought　after　and　feted。　Then　she　returned　to　England　and　married；　and　for　her　the　responsibilities　of　life　began　with　a　vengeance；　to　cease　no　more　until　she　died。　These　indeed　were　plicated　by　the　fact　that　a　time　came　when　she　had　to　think　a　good　deal　about　ways　and　means；　especially　after　my　father；　who　had　the　passion　of　his　generation　for　land；　insisted　upon　investing　most　of　her　fortune　in　that　security　just　at　the　mencement　of　its　great　fall　in　value。　Her　various　duties；　including　that　of　housekeeping；　of　which　she　was　a　perfect　mistress；　left　her　scarcely　an　hour　to　follow　her　own　literary　and　artistic　tastes。　All　she　could　do　was　to　give　a　little　attention　to　gardening；　to　which　she　was　devoted。
On　the　whole　life　at　Bradenham　must　have　been　very　dull　for　her；　especially　after　the　London　house　was　sold　and　she　was　settled　there　more　or　less　permanently。　She　used　to　describe　to　me　the　wearisome　and　interminable　local　dinner…parties　to　which　she　was　obliged　to　go　in　her　early　married　life。　The　men　she　met　at　them　talked；　she　said；　chiefly　about　“roots；”　and　for　a　long　while　she　could　not　imagine　what　these　roots　might　be　and　why　they　were　so　interested　in　them；　until　at　length　she　discovered　that　they　referred　to　mangold…wurzel　and　to　turnips；　both　as　crops　and　as　a　shelter　for　the　birds　which　they　loved　to　shoot。　One　good　fortune　she　had；　however：　all　her　children　survived　her；　all　were　deeply　attached　to　her；　and；　what　is　strange　in　so　large　a　family；　none　of　them　went　to　the　bad。
Such　was　the　circle　in　which　I　grew　up。　I　think　that　on　the　whole　I　was　rather　a　quiet　youth；　at　any　rate　by　parison。　Certainly　I　was　very　imaginative；　although　I　kept　my　thoughts　to　myself；　which　I　dare　say　had　a　good　deal　to　do　with　my　reputation　for　stupidity。　I　believe　I　was　considered　the　dull　boy　of　the　family。　Without　doubt　I　was　slow　at　my　lessons；　chiefly　because　I　was　always　thinking　of　something　else。　Also　to　this　day　there　are　subjects　at　which　I　am　extremely　stupid。　Thus；　although　I　rarely　forget　the　substance　of　anything　worth　remembering；　never　could　or　can　I　learn　anything　by　heart；　and　for　this　reason　I　have　been　obliged　to　abandon　the　active　pursuit　of　Masonry。　Moreover　all　mathematics　are　absolutely　abhorrent　to　me；　while　as　for　Euclid　it　bored　me　so　intensely　that　I　do　not　think　I　ever　mastered　the　meaning　of　the　stuff。
I　think　it　is　fortunate　for　me　that　I　have　never　been　called　upon　to　face　the　petitive　examinations　which　are　now　so　fashionable；　and；　I　will　add；　in　my　opinion　in　many　ways　so　mischievous；　for　I　greatly　doubt　whether　I　should　have　succeeded　in　them。　The　only　one　for　which　I　ever　entered　was　that　for　the　Army；　which　about　1872　was　more　severe　than　is　now　the　case。　Then　I　went　up　almost　without　preparation；　not　because　I　wished　to　bee　a　soldier　but　in　order　to　keep　a　friend　pany；　and　was　duly　floored　by　my　old　enemy；　Euclid；　for　which　I　am　very　thankful。　Had　I　passed　I　might　have　gone　on　with　the　thing　and　by　now　been　a　retired　colonel　with　nothing　to　do；　like　so　many　whom　I　know。
Of　those　early　years　at　Bradenham　few　events　stand　out　clearly　in　my　mind。　One　terrific　night；　however；　when　I　was　about　nine　years　old；　I　have　never　forgotten。　I　lay　abed　in　the　room　called　the　Sandwich；　and　for　some　reason　or　other　could　not　sleep。　Then　it　was　that　suddenly　my　young　intelligence　for　the　first　time　grasped　the　meaning　of　death。　It　came　home　to　me　that　I　too　must　die；　that　my　body　must　be　buried　in　the　ground　and　my　spirit　be　hurried　off　to　a　terrible；　unfamiliar　land　which　to　most　people　was　known　as　Hell。　In　those　days　it　was　mon　for　clergymen　to　talk　a　great　deal　about　Hell；　especially　to　the　young。　It　was　an　awful　hour。　I　shivered；　I　prayed；　I　wept。　I　thought　I　saw　Death　waiting　for　me　by　the　library　door。　At　last　I　went　to　sleep　to　dream　that　I　was　already　in　this　hell　and　that　the　peculiar　form　of　punishment　allotted　to　me　was　to　be　continually　eaten　alive　by　rats！
Thus　it　was　that　I　awoke　out　of　childhood　and　came　face　to　face　with　the　facts　of　destiny。
My　other　recollections　are　mostly　of　a　sporting　character。　Like　the　majority　of　country…bred　boys　I　adored　a　gun。　That　given　to　me　was　a　single…barrelled　muzzle…loader。　With　this　weapon　I　went　within　an　ace　of　putting　an　end　to　my　mortal　career；　contriving　in　some　mysterious　way　to　let　it　off　so　that　the　charge　just　grazed　my　face。　Also　I　almost　shot　my　brother　Andrew　through　a　fence　which　it　was　our　habit　to　hunt　for　rabbits；　one　of　us　on　either　side；　with　Jack；　a　dear　terrier　dog；　working　the　ditch　in　the　middle。
I　did　terrible　deeds　with　that　gun。　Once　even；　unable　to　find　any　other　game；　I　shot　a　missel…thrush　on　its　nest；　a　crime　that　has　haunted　me　ever　since。　Also　I　poached　a　cock…pheasant；　shooting　it　on　the　wing　through　a　thick　oak　tree　so　that　it　fell　into　a　pool；　whence　it　was　retrieved　with　difficulty。　Also　I　killed　a　farmer’s　best…laying　duck。　It　was　in　the　moat　of　the　Castle　Plantation；　where　I　concluded　no　respectable　tame　duck　would　be；　and　there　it　died；　with　results　almost　as　painful　to　me　as　to　the　duck；　which　was　demonstrated　to　have　about　a　dozen　eggs　inside　it。
Generally　there　was　a　horse　or　two　at　Bradenham　on　which　we　boys　could　hunt。　One　was　a　mare　called　Rebecca；　a　very　smart　animal　that　belonged　more　or　less　to　my　brother　Bazett；　which　I　overrode　or　lamed　following　the　hounds；　a　crime　whereof　I　heard　plenty　afterwards。　The　mount　that　most　often　fell　to　my　lot；　however；　was　a　flea…bitten　old　grey　called　Body…Snatcher；　because　of　a　string…halt　so　pronounced　that；　when　he　came　out　of　the　stable　he　almost　hit　his　hoof　against　his　stomach。　As　a　matter　of　fact　I　discovered　afterwards　from　some　dealer　that　Body…Snatcher　had　in　his　youth　been　a　two…hundred…guinea　horse。　Meeting　with　some　accident；　he　was　sold　and　put　into　a　trap；　which　he　upset；　killing　one　of　the　occupants；　and　finally　was　purchased　by　my　father　for　15　pounds。　But　when　he　warmed　to　his　work　and　the　hounds　were　in　full　cry；　with　a　light　weight　like　myself　upon　his　back；　there　was　scarcely　a　horse　in　the　county　that　could　touch　him　over　a　stiff　fence。　What　his　end　was　I　cannot　remember。　Sometimes　also　my　father　rode；　though　not　in　later　years。　I　recall　riding　with　him　down　some　lane　out　Swaffham　way。　Suddenly　he　turned　to　me　and　said；　“When　I　am　dead；　boy；　you　will　remember　these　rides　with　me。”　And　so　I　have。
After　my　time　at　Mr。　Graham’s；　of　whom　I　have　spoken；　came　to　an　end；　how　or　when　I　do　not　know；　the　question　arose　as　to　where　I　should　be　sent　to　school。　All　my　five　elder　brothers；　except　Jack　the　sailor；　had　the　advantage　of　a　public　school　education。　William　and　Bazett　went　to　Winchester；　and　afterwards　to　Oxford　and　Cambridge　respectively；　Alfred　to　Haileybury；　Andrew　to　Westminster；　and　subsequently　my　younger　brother　Arthur　to　Shrewsbury　and　Cambridge。　When　it　came　to　my　turn；　however；　funds　were　running　short；　which　is　scarcely　to　be　wondered　at；　as　my　father　has　told　me　that　about　this　time　the　family　bills　for　education　came　to　1200　pounds　a　year。　Also；　as　I　was　supposed　to　be　not　very　bright；　I　dare　say　it　was　thought　that　to　send　me　to　a　public　school　would　be　to　waste　money。　So　it　was　decreed　that　I　should　go　to　the　Grammar　School　at　Ipswich；　which　had　the　advantages　of　being　cheap　and　near　at　hand。
Never　shall　I　forget　my　arrival　at　that　educational　establishment；　to　which　my　father　conducted　me。　We　travelled　via　Norwich；　where　he　bought　me　a　hat。　For　some　reason　best　known　to　himself；　the　head…gear　which　he　selected　was　such　as　is　generally　worn　by　a　curate；　being　of　the　ordinary　clerical　black　felt　and　shape。　In　this　weird　head…dress