new moon(暮光之城-新月英文版)-第15部分

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torture　of　loss。　But　there　was　
no　pain；　none　at　all。　
In　the　instant　that　I　heard　his　voice；　everything　was　very　clear。　Like　my　head　
had　suddenly　surfaced　out　
of　some　dark　pool。　I　was　more　aware　of　everything—sight；　sound；　the　feel　of　
the　cold　air　that　I　hadn't　
noticed　was　blowing　sharply　against　my　face；　the　smells　ing　from　the　open　
bar　door。　
I　looked　around　myself　in　shock。　
〃Go　back　to　Jessica；〃　the　lovely　voice　ordered；　still　angry。　〃You　promised—
nothing　stupid。〃　
I　was　alone。　Jessica　stood　a　few　feet　from　me；　staring　at　me　with　frightened　
eyes。　Against　the　wall；　the　
strangers　watched；　confused；　wondering　what　I　was　doing；　standing　there　
motionless　in　the　middle　of　the　
street。　
I　shook　my　head；　trying　to　understand。　I　knew　he　wasn't　there；　and　yet；　he　
felt　improbably　close；　close　
for　the　first　time　since　since　the　end。　The　anger　in　his　voice　was　concern；　
the　same　anger　that　was　once　
very　familiar—something　I　hadn't　heard　in　what　felt　like　a　lifetime。　
〃Keep　your　promise。〃　The　voice　was　slipping　away；　as　if　the　volume　was　being　
turned　down　on　a　radio。　
I　began　to　suspect　that　I　was　having　some　kind　of　hallucination。　Triggered；　no　
doubt；　by　the　
memory—the　deja　vu；　the　strange　familiarity　of　the　situation。　
I　ran　through　the　possibilities　quickly　in　my　head。　
Option　one：　I　was　crazy。　That　was　the　layman's　term　for　people　who　heard　
voices　in　their　heads。　
Possible。　
Option　two：　My　subconscious　mind　was　giving　me　what　it　thought　I　wanted。　This　
was　wish　fulfillment—a　
momentary　relief　from　pain　by　embracing　the　incorrect　idea　that　he　cared　
whether　I　lived　or　died。　
Projecting　what　he　would　have　said　if　A）　he　were　here；　and　B）　he　would　be　in　
any　way　bothered　by　
something　bad　happening　to　me。　
Probable。　
I　could　see　no　option　three；　so　I　hoped　it　was　the　second　option　and　this　was　
just　my　subconscious　
running　amuck；　rather　than　something　I　would　need　to　be　hospitalized　for。　
My　reaction　was　hardly　sane；　though—I　was　grateful。　The　sound　of　his　voice　
was　something　that　I'd　
feared　I　was　losing；　and　so；　more　than　anything　else；　I　felt　overwhelming　
gratitude　that　my　unconscious　
mind　had　held　onto　that　sound　better　than　my　conscious　one　had。　
I　was　not　allowed　to　think　of　him。　That　was　something　I　tried　to　be　very　
strict　about。　Of　course　I　slipped；　
I　was　only　human。　But　I　was　getting　better；　and　so　the　pain　was　something　I　
could　avoid　for　days　at　a　
time　now。　The　tradeoff　was　the　never…ending　numbness。　Between　pain　and　
nothing；　I'd　chosen　nothing。　
I　waited　for　the　pain　now。　I　was　not　numb—my　senses　felt　unusually　intense　
after　so　many　months　of　the　
haze—but　the　normal　pain　held　off。　The　only　ache　was　the　disappointment　that　
his　voice　was　fading。　
There　was　a　second　of　choice。　
The　wise　thing　would　be　to　run　away　from　this　potentially　destructive—and　
certainly　mentally　
unstable—development。　It　would　be　stupid　to　encourage　hallucinations。　
But　his　voice　was　fading。　
I　took　another　step　forward；　testing。　
〃Bella；　turn　around；〃　he　growled。　
I　sighed　in　relief。　The　anger　was　what　I　wanted　to　hear—false；　fabricated　
evidence　that　he　cared；　a　
dubious　gift　from　my　subconscious。　
Very　few　seconds　had　passed　while　I　sorted　this　all　out。　My　little　audience　
watched；　curious。　It　probably　
looked　like　I　was　just　dithering　over　whether　or　not　I　was　going　to　approach　
them。　How　could　they　guess　
that　I　was　standing　there　enjoying　an　unexpected　moment　of　insanity？　
〃Hi；〃　one　of　the　men　called；　his　tone　both　confident　and　a　bit　sarcastic。　He　
was　fair…skinned　and　
fair…haired；　and　he　stood　with　the　assurance　of　someone　who　thought　of　himself　
as　quite　good…looking。　I　
couldn't　tell　whether　he　was　or　not。　I　was　prejudiced。　
The　voice　in　my　head　answered　with　an　exquisite　snarl。　I　smiled；　and　the　
confident　man　seemed　to　take　
that　as　encouragement。　
〃Can　I　help　you　with　something？　You　look　lost。〃　He　grinned　and　winked。　
I　stepped　carefully　over　the　gutter；　running　with　water　that　was　black　in　the　
darkness。　
〃No。　I'm　not　lost。〃　
Now　that　I　was　closer—and　my　eyes　felt　oddly　in　focus—I　analyzed　the　short；　
dark　man's　face。　It　was　
not　familiar　in　any　way。　I　suffered　a　curious　sensation　of　disappointment　that　
this　was　not　the　terrible　man　
who　had　tried　to　hurt　me　almost　a　year　ago。　
The　voice　in　my　head　was　quiet　now。　
The　short　man　noticed　my　stare。　〃Can　I　buy　you　a　drink？〃　he　offered；　nervous；　
seeming　flattered　that　I'd　
singled　him　out　to　stare　at。　
〃I'm　too　young；〃　I　answered　automatically。　
He　was　baffled—wondering　why　I　had　approached　them。　I　felt　pelled　to　
explain。　
〃From　across　the　street；　you　looked　like　someone　I　knew。　Sorry；　my　mistake。〃　
The　threat　that　had　pulled　me　across　the　street　had　evaporated。　These　were　not　
the　dangerous　men　I　
remembered。　They　were　probably　nice　guys。　Safe。　I　lost　interest。　
〃That's　okay；〃　the　confident　blonde　said。　〃Stay　and　hang　out　with　us。〃　
〃Thanks；　but　I　can't。〃　Jessica　was　hesitating　in　the　middle　of　the　street；　her　
eyes　wide　with　outrage　and　
betrayal。　
〃Oh；　just　a　few　minutes。〃　
I　shook　my　head；　and　turned　to　rejoin　Jessica。　
〃Let's　go　eat；〃　I　suggested；　barely　glancing　at　her。　Though　I　appeared　to　be；　
for　the　moment；　freed　of　the　
zombie　abstraction；　I　was　just　as　distant。　My　mind　was　preoccupied。　The　safe；　
numb　deadness　did　not　
e　back；　and　I　got　more　anxious　with　every　minute　that　passed　without　its　
return。　
〃What　were　you　thinking？〃　Jessica　snapped。　〃You　don't　know　them—they　could　
have　been　
psychopaths！〃　
I　shrugged；　wishing　she　would　let　it　go。　〃I　just　thought　I　knew　the　one　guy。〃　
〃You　are　so　odd；　Bella　Swan。　I　feel　like　I　don't　know　who　you　are。〃　
〃Sorry。〃　I　didn't　know　what　else　to　say　to　that。　
We　walked　to　McDonald's　in　silence。　I'd　bet　that　she　was　wishing　we'd　taken　
her　car　instead　of　walking　
the　short　distance　from　the　theater；　so　that　she　could　use　the　drive…through。　
She　was　just　as　anxious　now　
for　this　evening　to　be　over　as　I　had　been　from　the　beginning。　
I　tried　to　start　a　conversation　a　few　times　while　we　ate；　but　Jessica　was　not　
cooperative。　I　must　have　
really　offended　her。　
When　we　go　back　in　the　car；　she　tuned　the　stereo　back　to　her　favorite　station　
and　turned　the　volume　too　
loud　to　allow　easy　conversation。　
I　didn't　have　to　struggle　as　hard　as　usual　to　ignore　the　music。　Even　though　my　
mind；　for　once；　was　not　
carefully　numb　and　empty；　I　had　too　much　to　think　about　to　hear　the　lyrics。　
I　waited　for　the　numbness　to　return；　or　the　pain。　Because　the　pain　must　be　
ing。　I'd　broken　my　
personal　rules。　Instead　of　shying　away　from　the　memories；　I'd　walked　forward　
and　greeted　them。　I'd　
heard　his　voice；　so　clearly；　in　my　head。　That　was　going　to　cost　me；　I　was　sure　
of　it。　Especially　if　I　couldn't　
reclaim　the　haze　to　protect　myself。　I　felt　too　alert；　and　that　frightened　me。　
But　relief　was　still　the　strongest　emotion　in　my　body—relief　that　came　from　
the　very　core　of　my　being。　
As　much　as　I　struggled　not　to　think　of　him；　I　did　not　struggle　to　forget。　I　
worried—late　in　the　night；　when　
the　exhaustion　of　sleep　deprivation　broke　down　my　defenses—that　it　was　all　
slipping　away。　That　my　
mind　was　a　sieve；　and　I　would　someday　not　be　able　to　remember　the　precise　
color　of　his　eyes；　the　feel　of　
his　cool　skin；　or　the　texture　of　his　voice。　I　could　not　think　of　them；　but　I　
must　remember　them。　
Because　there　was　just　one　thing　that　I　had　to　believe　to　be　able　to　live—I　
had　to　know　that　he　existed。　
That　was　all。　Everything　else　I　could　endure。　So　long　as　he　existed。　
That's　why　I　was　more　trapped　in　Forks　than　I　ever　had　been　before；　why　I'd　
fought　with　Charlie　when　
he　suggested　a　change。　Honestly；　it　shouldn't　matter；　no　one　was　ever　ing　
back　here。　
But　if　I　were　to　go　to　Jacksonville；　or　anywhere　else　bright　and　unfamiliar；　
how　could　I　be　sure　he　was　
real？　In　a　place　where　I　could　never　imagine　him；　the　conviction　might　fade　
and　that　I　could　not　live　
through。　
Forbidden　to　remember；　terrified　to　forget；　it　was　a　hard　line　to　walk。　
I　was　surprised　when　Jessica　stopped　the　car　in　front　of　my　house。　The　ride　
had　not　taken　long；　but；　
short　as　it　seemed；　I　wouldn't　have　thought　that　Jessica　could　go　that　long　
without　speaking。　
〃Thanks　for　going　out　with　me；　Jess；〃　I　said　as　I　opened　my　door。　〃That　was
fun。〃　I　hoped　that　fun　was　
the　appropriate　word。　
〃Sure；〃　she　muttered。　
〃I'm　sorry　about　after　the　movie。〃　
〃Whatever；　Bella。〃　She　glared　out　the　windshield　instead　of　looking　at　me。　She　
seemed　to　be　growing　
angrier　rather　than　getting　over　it。　
〃See　you　Monday？〃　
〃Yeah。　Bye。〃　
I　gave　up　and　shut　the　door。　She　drove　away；　still　without　looking　at　me。　
I'd　forgotten　her　by　the　time　I　was　inside。　
Charlie　was　waiting　for　me　in　the　middle　of　the　hall；　his　arms　folded　tight　
over　his　chest　with　his　hands　
balled　into　fists。　
〃Hey；　Dad；〃　I　said　absentmindedly　as　I　ducked　around　Charlie；　heading　for　the　
stairs。　I'd　been　thinking　
about　him　for　too　long；　and　I　wanted　to　be　upstairs　before　it　caught　up　with　
me。　
〃Where　have　you　been？〃　Charlie　demanded。　
I　looked　at　my　dad；　surprised。　〃I　went　to　a　movie　in　Port　Angeles　with　
Jessica。　Like　I　told　you　this　
morning。〃　
〃Humph；〃　he　grunted。　
〃Is　that　okay？〃　
He　studied　my　face；　his　eyes　widening　as　if　he　saw　something　unexpected。　
〃Yeah；　that's　fine。　Did　you　
havefun？〃　
〃Sure；〃　I　said。　〃We　watched　zombies　eat　people。　It　was　great。〃　
His　eyes　narrowed。　
〃'Night；　Dad。〃　
He　let　me　pass。　I　hurried　to　my　room。　
I　lay　in　my　bed　a　few　minutes　later；　resigned　as　the　pain　finally　made　its　
appearance。　
It　was　a　crippling　thing；　this　sensation　that　a　huge　hole　had　been　punched　
through　my　chest；　excising　my　
most　vital　organs　and　leaving　ragged；　unhealed　gashes　around　the　edges　that　
continued　to　throb　and　
bleed　despite　the　passage　of　time。　Rationally；　I　knew　my　lungs　must　still　be　
intact；　yet　I　gasped　for　air　and　
my　head　spun　like　my　efforts　yielded　me　nothing。　My　heart　must　have　been　
beating；　too；　but　I　couldn't　
hear　the　sound　of　my　pulse　in　my　ears；　my　hands　felt　blue　with　cold。　I　curled　
inward；　hugging　my　ribs　to　
hold　myself　together。　I　scrambled　for　my　numbness；　my　denial；　but　it　evaded