new moon(暮光之城-新月英文版)-第49部分

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a　blurred　wandering　
through　old　memories—blinding　bright　visions　of　the　Phoenix　sun；　my　mother's　
face；　a　ramshackle　tree　
house；　a　faded　quilt；　a　wall　of　mirrors；　a　flame　on　the　black　water　I　forgot　
each　of　them　as　soon　as　the　
picture　changed。　
The　last　picture　was　the　only　one　that　stuck　in　my　head。　It　was　meaningless—
just　a　set　on　a　stage。　A　
balcony　at　night；　a　painted　moon　hanging　in　the　sky。　I　watched　the　girl　in　her　
nightdress　lean　on　the　railing　
and　talk　to　herself。　
Meaningless　but　when　I　slowly　struggled　back　to　consciousness；　Juliet　was　on　
my　mind。　
Jacob　was　still　asleep；　he'd　slumped　down　to　the　floor　and　his　breathing　was　
deep　and　even。　The　house　
was　darker　now　than　before；　it　was　black　outside　the　window。　I　was　stiff；　but　
warm　and　almost　dry。　The　
inside　of　my　throat　burned　with　every　breath　I　took。　
I　was　going　to　have　to　get　up—at　least　to　get　a　drink。　But　my　body　just　
wanted　tc　he　here　limp；　to　never　
move　again。　
Instead　of　moving；　I　thought　about　Juliet　some　more。　
I　wondered　what　she　would　have　done　if　Romeo　had　left　her；　not　because　he　was　
banished；　but　because　
he　lost　interests　What　if　Rosalind　had　given　him　the　time　of　day；　and　he'd　
changed　his　mind？　What　if；　
instead　of　marrying　Juliet；　he'd　just　disappeared？　
I　thought　I　knew　how　Juliet　would　feel。　
She　wouldn't　go　back　to　her　old　life；　not　really。　She　wouldn't　ever　have　moved　
on；　I　was　sure　of　that。　
Even　if　she'd　lived　until　she　was　old　and　gray；　every　time　she　closed　her　
eyes；　it　would　have　been　
Romeo's　face　she　saw　behind　her　lids。　She　would　have　accepted　that；　
eventually。　
I　wondered　if　she　would　have　married　Paris　in　the　end；　just　to　please　her　
parents；　to　keep　the　peace。　No；　
probably　not；　I　decided。　But　then；　the　story　didn't　say　much　about　Paris。　He　
was　just　a　stick　figure—a　
placeholder；　a　threat；　a　deadline　to　force　her　hand。　
What　if　there　were　more　to　Paris？　
What　if　Paris　had　been　Juliet's　friend？　Her　very　best　friend？　What　if　he　was　
the　only　one　she　could　
confide　in　about　the　whole　devastating　thing　with　Romeo？　The　one　person　who　
really　understood　her　and　
made　her　feel　halfway　human　again？　What　if　he　was　patient　and　kind？　What　if　he　
took　care　of　her？　What　
if　Juliet　knew　she　couldn't　survive　without　him？　What　if　he　really　loved　her；　
and　wanted　her　to　be　happy？　
And　what　if　she　loved　Paris？　Not　like　Romeo。　Nothing　like　that；　of　course。　
But　enough　that　she　
wanted　him　to　be　happy；　too？　
Jacob's　slow；　deep　breathing　was　the　only　sound　in　the　room—like　a　lullaby　
hummed　to　a　child；　like　the　
whisper　of　a　rocking　chair；　like　the　ticking　of　an　old　clock　when　you　had　
nowhere　you　needed　to　goIt　
was　the　sound　of　fort。　
If　Romeo　was　really　gone；　never　ing　back；　would　it　have　mattered　whether　or　
not　Juliet　had　taken　
Paris　up　on　his　offer？　Maybe　she　should　have　tried　to　settle　into　the　leftover　
scraps　of　life　that　were　left　
behind。　Maybe　that　would　have　been　as　close　to　happiness　as　she　could　get。　
I　sighed；　and　then　groaned　when　the　sigh　scraped　my　throat。　I　was　reading　too　
much　into　the　story。　
Romeo　wouldn't　change　his　mind。　That's　why　people　still　remembered　his　name；　
always　twined　with　hers：　
Romeo　and　Juliet。　That's　why　it　was　a　good　story。　〃Juliet　gets　dumped　and　ends　
up　with　Paris〃　would　
have　never　been　a　hit。　
I　closed　my　eyes　and　drifted　again；　letting　my　mind　wander　away　from　the　
stupid　play　I　didn't　want　to　
think　about　anymore。　I　thought　about　reality　instead—about　jumping　off　the　
cliff　and　what　a　brainless　
mistake　that　had　been。　And　not　just　the　cliff；　but　the　motorcycles　and　the　
whole　irresponsible　Evel　
Knievel　bit。　What　if　something　bad　happened　to　me？　What　would　that　do　to　
Charlie？　Harry's　heart　
attack　had　pushed　everything　suddenly　into　perspective　for　me。　Perspective　
that　I　didn't　want　to　see；　
because—if　I　admitted　to　the　truth　of　it—it　would　mean　that　I　would　have　to　
change　my　ways。　Could　I　
live　like　that？　
Maybe。　It　wouldn't　be　easy；　in　fact；　it　would　be　downright　miserable　to　give　
up　my　hallucinations　and　try　
to　be　a　grown…up。　But　maybe　I　should　do　it。　And　maybe　I　could。　If　I　had　Jacob。　
I　couldn't　make　that　decision　right　now。　It　hurt　too　much。　I'd　think　about　
something　else。　
Images　from　my　ill…considered　afternoon　stunt　rolled　through　my　head　while　I　
tried　to　e　up　with　
something　pleasant　to　think　about　the　feel　of　the　air　as　I　fell；　the　
blackness　of　the　water；　the　thrashing　of　
the　current　Edward's　face　I　lingered　there　for　a　long　time。　Jacob's　warm　
hands；　trying　to　beat　life　
back　into　me　the　stinging　rain　flung　down　by　the　purple　clouds　the　strange　
fire　on　the　waves　
There　was　something　familiar　about　that　flash　of　color　on　top　of　the　water。　Of　
course　it　couldn't　really　be　
fire—　
My　thoughts　were　interrupted　by　the　sound　of　a　car　squelching　through　the　mud　
on　the　road　outside。　I　
heard　it　stop　in　front　of　the　house；　and　doors　started　opening　and　closing。　I　
thought　about　sitting　up；　and　
then　decided　against　that　idea。　
Billy's　voice　was　easily　identifiable；　but　he　kept　it　uncharacteristically　
low；　so　that　it　was　only　a　gravelly　
grumble。　
The　door　opened；　and　the　light　flicked　on。　I　blinked；　momentarily　blind。　Jake　
startled　awake；　gasping　and　
jumping　to　his　feet。　
〃Sorry；〃　Billy　grunted。　〃Did　we　wake　you？〃　
My　eyes　slowly　focused　on　his　face；　and　then；　as　I　could　read　his　expression；　
they　filled　with　tears。　
〃Oh；　no；　Billy！〃　I　moaned。　
He　nodded　slowly；　his　expression　hard　with　grief。　Jake　hurried　to　his　father　
and　took　one　of　his　hands。　
The　pain　made　his　face　suddenly　childlike—it　looked　odd　on　top　of　the　man's　
body。　
Sam　was　right　behind　Billy；　pushing　his　chair　through　the　door。　His　normal　
posure　was　absent　from　
his　agonized　face。　
〃I'm　so　sorry；〃　I　whispered。　
Billy　nodded。　〃It's　gonna　be　hard　all　around。〃　
〃Where's　Charlie？〃　
〃Your　dad　is　still　at　the　hospital　with　Sue。　There　are　a　lot　of　arrangements　
to　be　made。〃　
I　swallowed　hard。　
〃I'd　better　get　back　there；〃　Sam　mumbled；　and　he　ducked　hastily　out　the　door。　
Billy　pulled　his　hand　away　from　Jacob；　and　then　he　rolled　himself　through　the　
kitchen　toward　his　room。　
Jake　stared　after　him　for　a　minute；　then　came　to　sit　on　the　floor　beside　me　
again。　He　put　his　face　in　his　
hands。　I　rubbed　his　shoulder；　wishing　I　could　think　of　anything　to　say。　
After　a　long　moment；　Jacob　caught　my　hand　and　held　it　to　his　face。　
〃How　are　you　feeling？　Are　you　okay？　I　probably　should　have　taken　you　to　a　
doctor　or　something。〃　He　
sighed。　
〃Don't　worry　about　me；〃　I　croaked。　
He　twisted　his　head　to　look　at　me。　His　eyes　were　rimmed　in　red。　〃You　don't　
look　so　good。〃　
〃I　don't　feel　so　good；　either；　I　guess。〃　
〃I'll　go　get　your　truck　and　then　take　you　home—you　probably　ought　to　be　there　
when　Charlie　gets　back。〃　
〃Right。〃　
I　lay　listlessly　on　the　sofa　while　I　waited　for　him。　Billy　was　silent　in　the　
other　room。　I　felt　like　a　peeping　
torn；　peering　through　the　cracks　at　a　private　sorrow　that　wasn't　mine。　
It　didn't　take　Jake　long。　The　roar　of　my　truck's　engine　broke　the　silence　
before　I　expected　it。　He　helped　
me　up　from　the　couch　without　speaking；　keeping　his　arm　around　my　shoulder　when　
the　cold　air　outside　
made　me　shiver。　He　took　the　driver's　seat　without　asking；　and　then　pulled　me　
next　to　his　side　to　keep　his　
arm　tight　around　me。　I　leaned　my　head　against　his　chest。　
〃How　will　you　get　home？〃　I　asked。　
〃I'm　not　going　home。　We　still　haven't　caught　the　bloodsucker；　remember？〃　
My　next　shudder　had　nothing　to　do　with　cold。　
It　was　a　quiet　ride　after　that。　The　cold　air　had　woken　me　up。　My　mind　was　
alert；　and　it　was　working　very　
hard　and　very　fast。　
What　if？　What　was　the　right　thing　to　do？　
I　couldn't　imagine　my　life　without　Jacob　now—I　cringed　away　from　the　idea　of　
even　trying　to　imagine　
that。　Somehow；　he'd　bee　essential　to　my　survival。　But　to　leave　things　the　
way　they　were　was　that　
cruel；　as　Mike　had　accused？　
I　remembered　wishing　that　Jacob　were　my　brother。　I　realized　now　that　all　I　
really　wanted　was　a　claim　on　
him。　It　didn't　feel　brotherly　when　he　held　me　like　this。　It　just　felt　nice—
warm　and　forting　and　familiar。　
Safe。　Jacob　was　a　safe　harbor。　
I　could　stake　a　claim。　I　had　that　much　within　my　power。　
I'd　have　to　tell　him　everything；　I　knew　that。　It　was　the　only　way　to　be　fair。　
I'd　have　to　explain　it　right；　so　
that　he'd　know　I　wasn't　settling；　that　he　was　much　too　good　for　me。　He　already　
knew　I　was　broken；　that　
part　wouldn't　surprise　him；　but　he'd　need　to　know　the　extent　of　it。　I'd　even　
have　to　admit　that　I　was　
crazy—explain　about　the　voices　I　heard。　He'd　need　to　know　everything　before　
he　made　a　decision。　
But；　even　as　I　recognized　that　necessity；　I　knew　he　would　take　me　in　spite　of　
it　all。　He　wouldn't　even　
pause　to　think　it　through。　
I　would　have　to　mit　to　this—mit　as　much　of　me　as　there　was　left；　every　
one　of　the　broken　
pieces。　It　was　the　only　way　to　be　fair　to　him。　Would　I？　Could　I？　
Would　it　be　so　wrong　to　try　to　make　Jacob　happy？　Even　if　the　love　I　felt　for　
him　was　no　more　than　a　
weak　echo　of　what　I　was　capable　of；　even　if　my　heart　was　far　away；　wandering　
and　grieving　after　my　
fickle　Romeo；　would　it　be　so　very　wrong？　
Jacob　stopped　the　truck　in　front　of　my　dark　house；　cutting　the　engine　so　it　
was　suddenly　silent。　Like　so　
many　other　times；　he　seemed　to　be　in　tune　with　my　thoughts　now。　
He　threw　his　other　arm　around　me；　crushing　me　against　his　cheat；　binding　me　to　
him。　Again；　this　felt　nice。　
Almost　like　being　a　whole　person　again。　
I　thought　he　would　be　thinking　of　Harry；　but　then　he　spoke；　and　his　tone　was　
apologetic。　〃Sorry。　I　
know　you　don't　feel　exactly　the　way　I　do；　Bella。　I　swear　I　don't　mind。　I'm　
just　so　glad　you're　okay　that　I　
could　sing—and　that's　something　no　one　wants　to　hear。〃　He　laughed　his　throaty　
laugh　in　my　ear。　
My　breathing　kicked　up　a　notch；　sanding　the　walls　of　my　throat。　
Wouldn't　Edward；　indifferent　as　he　might　be；　want　me　to　be　as　happy　as　
possible　under　the　
circumstances？　Wouldn't　enough　friendly　emotion　linger　for　him　to　want　that　
much　for　me？　I　thought　he　
would。　He　wouldn't　begrudge　me　this：　giving　just　a　small　bit　of　love　he　didn't　
want　to　my　friend　Jac