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new moon(暮光之城-新月英文版)-第68部分

小说: new moon(暮光之城-新月英文版) 字数: 每页4000字

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I tried to turn my head 
away。 
〃Please don't;〃 I whispered。 
He stopped; his lips just half an inch from mine。 
〃Why not?〃 he demanded。 His breath blew into my face; making my head whirl。 
〃When I wake up〃—He opened his mouth to protest; so I revised—〃okay; forget 
that one—when you 
leave again; it's going to be hard enough without this; too。〃 
He pulled back an inch; to stare at my face。 
〃Yesterday; when I would touch you; you were so hesitant; so careful; and 
yet still the same。 I need to 
know why。 Is it because I'm too late? Because I've hurt you too much? Because 
you have moved on; as 
I meant for you to? That would be quite fair。 I won't contest your decision。 
So don't try to spare my 
feelings; please—just tell me now whether or not you can still love me; after 
everything I've done to you。 
Can you?〃 he whispered。 
〃What kind of an idiotic question is that?〃 
〃Just answer it。 Please。〃 
I stared at him darkly for a long moment。 〃The way I feel about you will never 
change。 Of course I love 
you—and there's nothing you can do about it!〃 
〃That's all I needed to hear。〃 
His mouth was on mine then; and I couldn't fight him。 Not because he was so 
many thousand times 
stronger than me; but because my will crumbled into dust the second our lips 
met。 This kiss was not quite 
as careful as others I remembered; which suited me just fine。 If I was going 
to rip myself up further; I 
might as well get as much in trade as possible。 
So I kissed him back; my heart pounding out a jagged; disjointed rhythm while 
my breathing turned to 
panting and my fingers moved greedily to his face。 I could feel his marble 
body against every line of mine; 
and I was so glad he hadn't listened to me—there was no pain in the world 
that would have justified 
missing this。 His hands memorized my face; the same way mine were tracing his; 
and; in the brief seconds 
when his lips were free; he whispered my name。 
When I was starting to get dizzy; he pulled away; only to lay his ear against 
my heart。 
I lay there; dazed; waiting for my gasping to slow and quiet。 
〃By the way;〃 he said in a casual tone。 〃I'm not leaving you。〃 
I didn't say anything; and he seemed to hear skepticism in my silence。 
He lifted his face to lock my gaze in his。 〃I'm not going anywhere。 Not 
without you;〃 he added more 
seriously。 
〃I only left you in the first place because I wanted you to have a chance at a 
normal; happy; human life。 I 
could see what I was doing to you—keeping you constantly on the edge of 
danger; taking you away 
from the world you belonged in; risking your life every moment I was with you。 
So I had to try。 I had to 
do something; and it seemed like leaving was the only way。 If I hadn't thought 
you would be better off; I 
could have never made myself leave。 I'm much too selfish。 Only you could be 
more important than what I 
wanted what I needed。 What I want and need is to be with you; and I know 
I'll never be strong 
enough to leave again。 I have too many excuses to stay—thank heaven for that! 
It seems you can't be 
safe; no matter how many miles I put between us。〃 
〃Don't promise me anything;〃 I whispered。 If I let myself hope; and it came to 
nothing that would kill 
me。 Where all those merciless vampires had not been able to finish me off; 
hope would do the job。 
Anger glinted metallic in his black eyes。 〃You think I'm lying to you now?〃 
〃No—not lying。〃 I shook my head; trying to think it through coherently。 To 
examine the hypothesis that 
he did love me; while staying objective; clinical; so I wouldn't fall into the 
trap of hoping。 〃You could 
mean it now。 But what about tomorrow; when you think about all the reasons 
you left in the first 
place? Or next month; when Jasper takes a snap at me?〃 
He flinched。 
I thought back over those last days of my life before he left me; tried to see 
them through the filter of 
what he was telling me now。 From that perspective; imagining that he'd left me 
while loving me; left me 
for me; his brooding and cold silences took on a different meaning。 〃It isn't 
as if you hadn't thought the 
first decision through; is it?〃 I guessed。 〃You'll end up doing what you think 
is right。〃 
〃I'm not as strong as you give me credit for;〃 he said。 〃Right and wrong have 
ceased to mean much to 
me; I was ing back anyway。 Before Rosalie told me the news; I was already 
past trying to live 
through one week at a time; or even one day。 I was fighting to make it through 
a single hour。 It was only 
a matter of time—and not much of it—before I showed up at your window and 
begged you to take me 
back。 I'd be happy to beg now; if you'd like that。〃 
I grimaced。 〃Be serious; please。〃 
〃Oh; I am;〃 he insisted; glaring now。 〃Will you please try to hear what I'm 
telling you? Will you let me 
attempt to explain what you mean to me?〃 
He waited; studying my face as he spoke to make sure I was really listening。 
〃Before you; Bella; my life was like a moonless night。 Very dark; but there 
were stars—points of light 
and reason And then you shot across my sky like a meteor。 Suddenly 
everything was on fire; there 
was brilliancy; there was beauty。 When you were gone; when the meteor had 
fallen over the horizon; 
everything went black。 Nothing had changed; but my eyes were blinded by the 
light。 I couldn't see the 
stars anymore。 And there was no more reason for anything。〃 
I wanted to believe him。 But this was my life without him that he was 
describing; not the other way 
around。 
〃Your eyes will adjust;〃 I mumbled。 
〃That's just the problem—they can't。〃 
〃What about your distractions?〃 
He laughed without a trace of humor。 〃Just part of the lie; love。 There was no 
distraction from the the 
agony。 My heart hasn't beat in almost ninety years; but this was different。 It 
was like my heart was 
gone—like I was hollow。 Like I'd left everything that was inside me here with 
you。〃 
〃That's funny;〃 I muttered。 
He arched one perfect eyebrow。 〃Funny? 〃 
〃I meant strange—I thought it was just me。 Lots of pieces of me went missing; 
too。 I haven't been able to 
really breathe in so long。〃 I filled my lungs; luxuriating in the sensation。 
〃And my heart。 That was definitely 
lost。〃 
He closed his eyes and laid his ear over my heart again。 I let my cheek press 
against his hair; felt the 
texture of it on my skin; smelled the delicious scent of him。 
〃Tracking wasn't a distraction then?〃 I asked; curious; and also needing to 
distract myself。 I was very 
much in danger of hoping。 I wouldn't be able to stop myself for long。 My heart 
throbbed; singing in my 
chest。 
〃No。〃 He sighed。 〃That was never a distraction。 It was an obligation。〃 
〃What does that mean?〃 
〃It means that; even though I never expected any danger from Victoria; I 
wasn't going to let her get away 
with Well; like I said; I was horrible at it。 I traced her as far as Texas; 
but then I followed a false lead 
down to Brazil—and really she came here。〃 He groaned。 〃I wasn't even on the 
right continent! And all the 
while; worse than my worst fears—〃 
〃You were hunting Victoria?〃 I half…shrieked as soon as I could find my voice; 
shooting through two 
octaves。 
Charlie's distant snores stuttered; and then picked up a regular rhythm again。 
〃Not well;〃 Edward answered; studying my outraged expression with a confused 
look。 〃But I'll do better 
this time。 She won't be tainting perfectly good air by breathing in and out 
for much longer。〃 
〃That is out of the question;〃 I managed to choke out。 Insanity。 Even if he 
had Emmett or Jasper help 
him。 Even if he had Emmett and Jasper help。 It was worse than my other 
imaginings: Jacob Black 
standing across a small space from Victoria's vicious and feline figure。 I 
couldn't bear to picture Edward 
there; even though he was so much more durable than my half…human best friend。 
〃It's too late for her。 I might have let the other time slide; but not now; 
not after—〃 
I interrupted him again; trying to sound calm。 〃Didn't you just promise that 
you weren't going to leave?〃 I 
asked; fighting the words as I said them; nor letting them plant themselves in 
my heart。 〃That isn't exactly 
patible with an extended tracking expedition; is it?〃 
He frowned。 A snarl began to build low in his chest。 〃I will keep my promise; 
Bella。 But Victoria〃—the 
snarl became more pronounced—〃is going to die。 Soon。〃 
〃Let's not be hasty;〃 I said; trying to hide my panic。 〃Maybe she's not ing 
back。 Jake's pack probably 
scared her off。 There's really no reason to go looking for her。 Besides; I've 
got bigger problems than 
Victoria。〃 
Edward's eyes narrowed; but he nodded。 〃It's true。 The werewolves are a 
problem。〃 
I snorted。 〃I wasn't talking about Jacob。 My problems are a lot worse that a 
handful of adolescent 
wolves getting themselves into trouble。〃 
Edward looked as if he were about to say something; and then thought better of 
it。 His teeth clicked 
together; and he spoke through them。 〃Really?〃 he asked。 〃Then what would be 
your greatest problem? 
That would make Victoria's returning for you seem like such an inconsequential 
matter in parison?〃 
〃How about the second greatest?〃 I hedged。 
〃All right;〃 he agreed; suspicious。 
I paused。 I wasn't sure I could say the name。 〃There are others who are ing 
to look for me;〃 I 
reminded him in a subdued whisper。 
He sighed; but the reaction was not as strong as I would have imagined after 
his response to Victoria。 
〃The Volturi are only the second greatest?〃 
〃You don't seem that upset about it;〃 I noted。 
〃Well; we have plenty of time to think it through。 Time means something very 
different to them than it 
does to you; or even me。 They count years the way you count days。 I wouldn't 
be surprised if you were 
thirty before you crossed their minds again;〃 he added lightly。 
Horror washed through me。 
Thirty。 
So his promises meant nothing; in the end。 If I were going to turn thirty 
someday; then he couldn't be 
planning on staying long。 The harsh pain of this knowledge made me realize 
that I'd already begun to 
hope; without giving myself permission to do 5。0。 
〃You don't have to be afraid;

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