[科幻]宿主-第81部分

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　I　held　my　breath　again；　biting　my　lip　until　it　bled。　The　physical　pain　didn’t　distract　me　as　much　as　I　
wished　it　would。

　It　was　silent　outside　the　hole；　and　then　silent　inside；　too；　as　I　turned　blue。　I　listened　intently；　concentrating　
only　on　what　I　could　hear。　I　wouldn’t　think。　There　was　no　sound。

　I　was　twisted　into　the　most　impossible　position。　My　head　was　the　lowest　point；　the　right　side　of　my　face　
pressed　against　the　rough　rock　floor。　My　shoulders　were　slanted　around　a　crumpled　box　edge；　the　right　
higher　than　the　left。　My　hips　angled　the　opposite　way；　with　my　left　calf　pressed　to　the　ceiling。　Fighting　
with　the　boxes　had　left　bruises—I　could　feel　them　forming。　I　knew　I　would　have　to　find　some　way　to　
explain　to　Ian　and　Jamie　that　I　had　done　this　to　myself；　but　how？　What　should　I　say？　How　could　I　tell　
them　that　Jared　had　kissed　me　as　a　test；　like　giving　a　lab　rat　a　jolt　of　electricity　to　observe　its　reaction？

　And　how　long　was　I　supposed　to　hold　this　position？　I　didn’t　want　to　make　any　noise；　but　it　felt　like　my　
spine　was　going　to　snap　in　a　minute。　The　pain　got　more　difficult　to　bear　every　second。　I　wouldn’t　be　able　
to　bear　it　in　silence　for　long。　Already；　a　whimper　was　rising　in　my　throat。

　Melanie　had　nothing　to　say　to　me。　She　was　quietly　working　through　her　own　relief　and　fury。　Jared　had　
spoken　to　her；　finally　recognized　her　existence。　He　had　told　her　he　loved　her。　But　he　had　kissed　me。　She　
was　trying　to　convince　herself　that　there　was　no　reason　to　be　wounded　by　this；　trying　to　believe　all　the　
solid　reasons　why　this　wasn’t　what　it　felt　like。　Trying；　but　not　yet　succeeding。　I　could　hear　all　this；　but　it　
was　directed　internally。　She　wasn’t　speaking　to　me—in　the　juvenile；　petty　sense　of　the　phrase。　I　was　
getting　the　cold　shoulder。

　I　felt　an　unfamiliar　anger　toward　her。　Not　like　the　beginning；　when　I　feared　her　and　wished　for　her　
eradication　from　my　mind。　No；　I　felt　my　own　sense　of　betrayal　now。　How　could　she　be　angry　withme　for　
what　had　happened？　How　did　that　make　sense？　How　was　it　my　fault　that　I’d　fallen　in　love　because　of　the　

　

　Tears；　much　weaker　than　the　others；　flowed　down　my　cheeks　in　silence。　Her　hostility　toward　me　
simmered　in　my　mind。

　Abruptly；　the　pain　in　my　bruised；　twisted　back　was　too　much。　The　straw　on　the　camel。

　“Ung；”　I　grunted；　pushing　against　stone　and　cardboard　as　I　shoved　myself　backward。

　I　didn’t　care　about　the　noise　anymore；　I　just　wanted　out。　I　swore　to　myself　that　I　would　never　cross　the　
threshold　of　this　wretched　pit　again—death　first。　Literally。

　It　was　harder　to　worm　out　than　it　had　been　to　dive　in。　I　wiggled　and　squirmed　around　until　I　felt　like　I　
was　making　things　worse；　bending　myself　into　the　shape　of　a　lopsided　pretzel。　I　started　to　cry　again；　like　
a　child；　afraid　that　I　would　never　get　free。

　Melanie　sighed。Hook　your　foot　around　the　edge　of　the　mouth　and　pull　yourself　out；　she　suggested。

　I　ignored　her；　struggling　to　work　my　torso　around　a　particularly　pointy　corner。　It　jabbed　me　just　under　
the　ribs。

　Don’t　be　petty；she　grumbled。

　That’s　rich；　ing　from　you。

　I　know。She　hesitated；　then　caved。Okay；　sorry。　I　am。　Look；　I’m　human。　It’s　hard　to　be　fair　
sometimes。　Wedon’t　always　feel　the　right　thing；　do　the　right　thing。　The　resentment　was　still　there；　
but　she　was　trying　to　forgive　and　forget　that　I’d　just　made　out　with　her　true　love—that’s　the　way　she　
thought　of　it；　at　least。

　I　hooked　my　foot　around　the　edge　and　yanked。　My　knee　hit　the　floor；　and　I　used　that　leverage　to　lift　my　
ribs　off　the　point。　It　was　easier　then　to　get　my　other　foot　out　and　yank　again。　Finally；　my　hands　found　the　
floor　and　I　shoved　my　way　through；　a　breech　birth；　falling　onto　the　dark　green　mat。　I　lay　there　for　a　
moment；　facedown；　breathing。　I　was　sure　at　this　point　that　Jared　was　long　gone；　but　I　didn’t　make　certain　
of　that　right　away。　I　just　breathed　in　and　out　until　I　felt　prepared　to　lift　my　head。

　I　was　alone。　I　tried　to　hold　on　to　the　relief　and　forget　the　sorrow　this　fact　engendered。　It　was　better　to　be　
alone。　Less　humiliating。

　I　curled　up　on　the　mat；　pressing　my　face　against　the　musty　fabric。　I　wasn’t　sleepy；　but　I　was　tired。　The　
crushing　weight　of　Jared’s　rejection　was　so　heavy　it　exhausted　me。　I　closed　my　eyes　and　tried　to　think　
about　things　that　wouldn’t　make　my　stinging　eyes　tear　again。　Anything　but　the　appalled　look　on　Jared’s　
face　when　he’d　broken　away　from　me…

　What　was　Jamie　doing　now？　Did　he　know　I　was　here；　or　was　he　looking　for　me？　Ian　would　be　asleep　
for　a　long　time；　he’d　looked　so　exhausted。　Would　Kyle　wake　soon？　Would　he　e　in　search？　Where　
was　Jeb？　I　hadn’t　seen　him　all　day。　Was　Doc　really　drinking　himself　unconscious？　That　seemed　so　unlike　
him…

　I　woke　slowly；　roused　by　my　growling　stomach。　I　lay　quietly　for　a　few　minutes；　trying　to　orient　myself。　

　

　My　stomach　wouldn’t　be　ignored　for　long；　though；　and　I　rolled　up　onto　my　knees。　I　must　have　slept　for　a　
while　to　be　this　hungry—missed　a　meal　or　two。　
I　considered　eating　something　from　the　supply　pile　in　the　hole—after　all；　I’d　already　damaged　pretty　

much　everything；　maybe　destroyed　some。　But　that　only　made　me　feel　guiltier　about　the　idea　of　taking　

more。　I’d　go　scavenge　some　rolls　from　the　kitchen。　
I　was　feeling　a　little　hurt；　on　top　of　all　the　big　hurt；　that　I’d　been　down　here　so　long　without　anyone　
ing　to　look　for　me—what　a　vain　attitude；　why　should　anyone　care　what　happened　to　me？—so　I　was　
relieved　and　appeased　to　find　Jamie　sitting　in　the　doorway　to　the　big　garden；　his　back　turned　on　the　
human　world　behind　him；　unmistakably　waiting　for　me。

　My　eyes　brightened；　and　so　did　his。　He　scrambled　to　his　feet；　relief　washing　over　his　features。　
“You’re　okay；”　he　said；　I　wished　he　were　right。　He　began　to　ramble。　“I　mean；　I　didn’t　think　Jared　was　
lying；　but　he　said　he　thought　you　wanted　to　be　alone；　and　Jeb　said　I　couldn’t　go　check　on　you　and　that　I　

had　to　stay　right　here　where　he　could　see　that　I　wasn’t　sneaking　back　there；　but　even　though　I　didn’t　
think　you　were　hurt　or　anything；　it　was　hard　to　not　know　for　sure；　you　know？”　
“I’m　fine；”　I　told　him。　But　I　held　my　arms　out；　seeking　fort。　He　threw　his　arms　around　my　waist；　and　

I　was　shocked　to　find　that　his　head　could　rest　on　my　shoulder　while　we　stood。　
“Your　eyes　are　red；”　he　whispered。　“Was　he　mean　to　you？”　
“No。”　After　all；　people　weren’t　intentionally　cruel　to　lab　rats—they　were　just　trying　to　get　information。　
“Whatever　you　said　to　him；　I　think　he　believes　us　now。　About　Mel；　I　mean。　How　does　she　feel？”　
“She’s　glad　about　that。”　
He　nodded；　pleased。　“How　about　you？”　
I　hesitated；　looking　for　a　factual　response。　“Telling　the　truth　is　easier　for　me　than　trying　to　hide　it。”　
My　evasion　seemed　to　answer　the　question　enough　to　satisfy　him。　
Behind　him；　the　light　in　the　garden　was　red　and　fading。　The　sun　had　already　set　on　the　desert。　
“I’m　hungry；”　I　told　him；　and　I　pulled　away　from　our　hug。　
“I　knew　you　would　be。　I　saved　you　something　good。”　
I　sighed。　“Bread’s　fine。”　
“Let　it　go；　Wanda。　Ian　says　you’re　too　self…sacrificing　for　your　own　good。”　
I　made　a　face。　
“I　think　he’s　got　a　point；”　Jamie　muttered。　“Even　if　we　all　want　you　here；　you　don’t　belong　until　you　

　

　“I　can’t　ever　belong。　And　nobody　really　wants　me　here；　Jamie。”

　“I　do。”

　I　didn’t　fight　with　him；　but　he　was　wrong。　Not　lying；　because　he　believed　what　he　was　saying。　But　what　

he　really　wanted　was　Melanie。　He　didn’t　separate　us　the　way　he　should。

　Trudy　and　Heidi　were　baking　rolls　in　the　kitchen　and　sharing　a　bright　green；　juicy　apple。　They　took　turns　
taking　bites。

　“It’s　good　to　see　you；　Wanda；”　Trudy　said　sincerely；　covering　her　mouth　while　she　spoke　because　she　
was　still　chewing　her　last　bite。　Heidi　nodded　in　greeting；　her　teeth　sunk　in　the　apple。　Jamie　nudged　me；　
trying　to　be　inconspicuous　about　it—pointing　out　that　people　wanted　me。　He　wasn’t　making　allowances　

for　mon　courtesy。

　“Did　you　save　her　dinner？”　he　asked　eagerly。

　“Yep；”　Trudy　said。　She　bent　down　beside　the　oven　and　came　back　with　a　metal　tray　in　her　hand。　“Kept　

it　warm。　It’s　probably　nasty　and　tough　now；　but　it’s　better　than　the　usual。”

　On　the　tray　was　a　rather　large　piece　of　red　meat。　My　mouth　started　to　water；　even　as　I　rejected　the　
portion　I’d　been　allotted。

　“It’s　too　much。”

　“We　have　to　eat　all　the　perishables　the　first　day；”　Jamie　encouraged　me。　“Everyone　eats　themselves　

sick—it’s　a　tradition。”

　“You　need　the　protein；”　Trudy　added。　“We　were　on　cave　rations　too　long。　I’m　surprised　no　one’s　in　
worse　shape。”

　I　ate　my　protein　while　Jamie　watched　with　hawk…like　attention　as　each　bite　traveled　from　the　tray　to　my　

mouth。　I　ate　it　all　to　please　him；　though　it　made　my　stomach　ache　to　eat　so　much。

　The　kitchen　started　to　fill　up　again　as　I　was　finishing。　A　few　had　apples　in　their　hands—all　sharing　with　
someone　else。　Curious　eyes　examined　the　sore　side　of　my　face。

　“Why’s　everyone　ing　here　now？”　I　muttered　to　Jamie。　It　was　black　outside；　the　dinner　hour　long　

over。

　Jamie　looked　at　me　blankly　for　a　second。　“To　hear　you　teach。”　His　tone　added　the　wordsof　course。

　“Are　you　kidding　me？”

　“I　told　you　nothing’s　changed。”

　I　stared　around　the　narrow　room。　It　wasn’t　a　full　house。　No　Doc　tonight；　and　none　of　the　returned　
raiders；　which　meant　no　Paige；　either。　No　Jeb；　no　Ian；　no　Walter。　A　few　others　missing：　Travis；　Carol；　
Ruth　Ann。　But　more　than　I　would　have　thought；　if　I’d　thought　anyone　would　consider　following　the　

　

　“Can　we　go　back　to　the　Dolphins；　where　we　left　off？”　Wes　asked；　interrupting　my　evaluation　of　the　
room。　I　could　see　that　he’d　taken　it　upon　himself　to　start　the　ball　rolling；　rather　than　that　he　was　vitally　
interested　in　the　kinship　circles　of　an　alien　planet。

　Everyone　looked　at　me　expectantly。　Apparently；　life　was　not　changing　as　much　as　I’d　thought。

　I　took　a　tray　of　rolls　from　Heidi’s　hands　and　turned　to　shove　it　into　the　stone　oven。　I　started　talking　with　
my　back　still　turned。

　“So…　um…　hmm…　the；　uh；　third　set　of　grandparents…　They　traditional